Ego

This blog has been developing in my brain space for awhile now. It has taken more time than usual to put this one together and I do not intend on taking this blog as lightly as I have in the past.

I struggle with my own brand of emotional masochism. I am not unique in this sense; everyone has self doubts and for a great majority of people we question those doubts about ourselves until we forget who we are. I have to state though, that this isn't all encompassing in our lives; some areas we feel solid about and other areas we question over and over again. For most, a healthy dose of questioning and self doubt leads us to find the esteem we need to do whatever it is we are doing. For instance, I was speaking with a friend of mine the other day about her new job. She insinuated that there was some self doubt going on but not necessarily about her job; just life in general. I advised her that if she continues on to do the job she was hired to do because they know she can do it, she will build that confidence which will bleed into other areas of her life that may be manifesting the self doubt she has about her job. The confidence will come in time.

In working on this blog, I discovered something very simple yet very important. I have discovered the relevance of ego in our journey to build self confidence. Maybe I'm the only idiot who wasn't aware of this until just now, but it seems to be a bit of a breakthrough.

Ego is the thing we seek to have validated -- it is the part of us which is most fragile and seemingly most important. That is because we depend on outside sources to feed and validate our ego rather than looking inward and seeking the validity of our true self. When the ego isn't validated, we lose our confidence.

I theorize that in adult life the ego is something that should not be controlling. However, in childhood, ego is very important. We are unsure of who we are on a day to day basis. We don't know our personalities, we don't know our strengths and weaknesses and so we look to those who are the most influential in our lives to help us discover who we are. In this sense, we are feeding the ego; the ego's growth is dependent on validation from external sources.

If we are told, as children, that we are loved regardless of what we do...if we are encouraged to explore and expand our horizons, to receive support in building relationships with our peers, and given the freedom to fail and still be loved for our failings, then the ego, I theorize, will morph into a healthy and self assured young adult.

In our adulthood, we are bombarded with what we should and should not be like and the challenge to be okay in our own skins in spite of the social pressures can be unforgiving some days. Too fat, too ugly, not smart enough, job isn't good enough, bad spouse, no kids, too many kids, and so on. If we do not have self-assurance, we can question every tiny detail of every day causing the most painful anxiety and stress which is completely unnecessary. If we are raised in an environment of love, acceptance, understanding, flexible boundaries, and an appreciation of our weaknesses as well as our strengths, we can carry this with us into adulthood and mostly stand up to the pressures.

If our childhood is tainted with conditional love, unusually high expectations, being ignored or invalidated, then we will continue to seek outside resources to validate who we are. Being validated by our parents (or parental figures) is part of receiving love as a child. When this is absent, then the idea of love is absent and as an adult, we have perhaps, dysfunctional views on love and acceptance.

So this is back to ego. I theorize that ego is, under the best circumstances, limited to childhood and should fade away with the onset of adulthood. Because it is so fragile and dependent on external sources, it is not something that should be permanent. Nothing that is fragile like this should be permanent or influential.

Now then, for those of us, the vast majority, who weren't raised in the ideal way, will have trouble accepting that external sources do not have to make us who we are. We see these artificial people all the time! And sometimes in the most deceiving of ways! A high powered attorney, successful in every way, may be suffering from the worst ego...so on the surface the attorney may be clever, intelligent, powerful and so on, but it is all fragile and it is all prone to collapse given the right destruction of validation. Take on the other hand, a flashy celebrity born with a silver spoon (golden?) in their mouth. They may give all the appearance of one being entirely dependent on the paparazzi to relay who they are to the world. But in all actuality, perhaps they face those cameras and gossip rags because they don't feel as though they have a thing in the world to lose...perhaps they wear the glitz because they like to. So on. I think you get the idea. The true self shows itself in the most interesting of ways.

So the true self - what IS the true self? The true self is empty, free of all worries and concerns, lacking in concerns of projecting an acceptable image. The true self, true beauty, is unaware of itself.

I have been measuring a lot lately, as I have been attempting to build myself up from inside rather than seeking outside validation. Outside validation is easy - "hey, do you think I'm smart?" What friend of yourself is going to say no? "Do you think I'm pretty?" Any boyfriend/spouse with a knack of common sense will say yes. But can you ask yourself if you are smart enough....for yourself? Are you pretty enough....for yourself? And do these things matter...do these things make you compete against yourself? And then, for what? To stroke your ego? Or can you seek satisfaction in who you are, exactly as you are right now?

Working towards improving yourself is perfectly acceptable. But to do so at the expense of yourself, your sanity, the care and support and love you give others...that is you giving into ego.

No one is perfect; we can only accept our downfalls and work towards having a fulfilling life which expands beyond our egos limitations and works in many, many colorful and productive directions. We can break the ego and shatter it...it is merely fragile and since it depends on reinforcement from others, my personal simple task is to stop seeking reinforcement from others, thereby limiting the influence of the ego which can and will harm my self-confidence.

Reminiscing

Reminiscing. I did some of that this weekend.

I love cleaning and discovering things from the past; old letters, photos, etc. I like to reread them and remember that even on my darkest days when I'm putting out phone calls and reaching out because the loneliness is overwhelming, I am not alone and that I am loved.

My mother recently brought me a box of mine that I had started in high school; it contained my various high school dance corsages, notes I thought were important (you know, those notes we passed to each other in the hallways...from friends and boyfriends - you Andrew, I saved your notes!) and fortunately I found a note from my grandfather. That especially struck a chord with me. The summer he had passed away, I had the opportunity to visit him while he was ill down in Arkansas; I didn't go - I was "too busy." He died before I had a chance to go. I will always regret that choice and now I make it a priority to visit ill relatives. I realize I should spend more time with them while they're healthy, but we all have our lives and some days they are just too insane to think much further outside of our own little system.

I like looking around my office and seeing various items like my college graduation honor chords...and I found my actual diploma! Going on this reminiscing thing, I decided to clean out my CD collection. The majority of my music is on my itunes but I refuse to get rid of some of my CDs. Some of them are genuine collector's items (like my Archers of Loaf albums - I couldn't find one of them on ebay, so we know it's legit, right?) I also found all of my Modest Mouse CDs. I had stopped listening to them awhile ago because I was disappointed at the turn they took; in my opinion, they had sold out. Regardless of whether or not they had (and everyone has a right to do what they believe is best for themselves or in this case, for their band), the albums I have are freakin' ridiculously awesome and I have been enjoying listening to them.

I also went browsing with my friend on Saturday and she found a Rod Stewart album which was particularly important in high school - I remember numerous basement dance parties in which we'd alternate with "If You Think I'm Sexy" with various Modest Mouse music, Jets to Brazil, etc. So it was an incredible walk down memory lane this weekend - it was pretty great!

What I am reflecting on the most, though, is the way people change. This includes my own change. But mostly I have been reflecting at how friends of mine and I were and how we are now. Some have changed and others have not. Some have done some amazing things with their lives and some are, well...no comment. And of course, this is all opinion.

What I think is important to note here, is that regardless of the oh-so-accurate measuring stick of Tessa, regardless of what I think is "success", if people in my life are happy doing whatever they are doing, then, in my opinion, they are successful.

Sometimes I look at my life and all I can see are the flaws. But then I reflect on my past and I see that, you know, I'm doing okay. My life is a-okay. Sometimes, though, I'd give anything to be back in that living room in Milwaukee, hanging with friends, being ridiculous and acting like idiots.

For a long time, I have thought that indulging myself in my history and enjoying the things I enjoyed way-back-in-the-day was a sign of immaturity and so therefore, I couldn't allow it. Well, after a weekend of some deep contemplation, I have realized that, just like everything, it is perfectly okay to act like an idiot, even here, in my 30th year of life, as long as the responsibilities of adult life have been met.

I don't know the exact message I am trying to get across in this particular blog. I guess I have just been spending time considering how to enjoy life a little more. How to laugh more, how to have more fun, how to stop being so annoyed at nearly everything...maybe acting like that 20 year old girl a little more every once in awhile isn't such a horrible thing!