Depression is one of the worst situations a person can find themselves in. It's silent...it can creep up on you and you don't realize you're in the throes of a depression until that morning when you just can't get out of bed...or a coworker says something and you just can handle it...depression.
I make no bones about my own battles with this horrible disease. In fact, the last few weeks I've been stuck in my own glut of depression and I feel like I'm trying to claw my way up and out of it and I'm finding very little relief. Normally I don't write about stuff that is this personal, but I feel it is important and relevant.
I don't believe there is a single person who doesn't experience some kind of depression at least once in their lives. Most people handle it just fine and get through it. There are plenty of resources out there but what do you do when you're a person, like myself, who is constantly battling cycles of depression?
There isn't much, except to just get through each day as it comes at you and hold on to hope that eventually it will get better.
I feel often, when things get like this, that I'm literally fighting form my life. And what sucks about this is if I had a bloody gunshot wound or was battling cancer or something, people would jump up to help me; however, I have to keep silent about it. I mean, I don't have to, but I do because I feel the thing that many feel - embarrassed, ashamed, foolish, whiny, etc. I want to tell people that I feel awful and the only thing that would really help right now (aside from chocolate) is a big hug and someone to just sit there and commiserate with me. But I don't do that, personally, because I don't want to bring others down. And most are shocked when I tell them that I'm depressed - "I had no idea; you seem so normal." Well, I hide it well as do most depressives.
So how do you get through it...again...and again...and again...well, personally, I focus on my daughter. I focus on her and how I can be a better mom and how I have to be a better mom for her. I have also explained to her that when the depression hits, that I'm "sick" - I don't want her to be confused or think that it's her fault.
Secondly, I do not try to supplement my feelings with superficial fulfillment; I do not splurge on clothes I think will make me feel better. I do not engage in activities that can ultimately be harmful. I do not drink (I honestly don't recall the last time I had a drink! I think I might have had a beer at the beginning of October...but don't hold me to that). I instead have incorporated light therapy into my morning schedule. I have also (with the assistance of friends) researched supplements that can help (namely fish oil, vitamin B12 and magnesium). I also force myself to work out even though I really, really don't want to. But I know that when I get to about three minutes into my workout, I'm off and I feel good. I've also made drastic changes in my diet, returning to veganism.
But the most important thing I have incorporated into my life is the fact that I know things suck right now but they will get better. This will not last forever. It will happen again, yes, but I have the strength to get through it. This is the most important thing to remember in trying to get through this.
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
-Emily Dickinson
This poem came to me while watching "A Wrinkle in Time" with my daughter; I liked a quote and when I looked it up it turned out to be an Emily Dickinson poem. Love!
I also love a particular song that I just came across a few days ago. To me, it's like that big hug that I so desperately need:
If you have depression issues, don't think you are alone; you are not. Remember that many around you are depressed for whatever reason - and we all struggle with it at some point in time. If you need, you can email me (not that I'm an expert or anything). Don't be ashamed.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Practice
I'm about to state the obvious, but I think it's important. At least, it's important to me.
I feel as though I have filled up my emotional tool box and I have everything I (think I) need to really move forward in life. In fact, I haven't felt this good in a long time, if ever. I finally feel as though I'm living my life by my terms and enjoying it.
What I think is important, however, is to take a mindful approach to problems and to practice holding back your emotional output. I think that this is a personality thing; some people don't get ruffled - I do. This is an area I have to practice. While I know that no one purposely tries to upset me, I still get upset! I don't like feeling upset, but it happens. The mindful approach is to breathe deeply and realize that the anger (or whatever emotion I'm feeling) doesn't come from them, but it comes from how I allow myself to react.
I'm far from perfect. No one is perfect, duh. But simply being aware of this helps me keep things in perspective. I had some unfortunate encounters last week and I am not proud of how I reacted.
How I reacted was part of this insane thought that I would get something from someone. I won't - people cannot perform the way we want them to. In hindsight, if I had thought of that, then I wouldn't have gotten so upset. I'm not going to beat myself up over this incident, but the hindsight is important -- knowing that my desire to "get something" from this person was flawed in so many ways and knowing that I need to absorb the emotional reaction before actually reacting...helps. I feel empowered for when this encounter happens again (because it will).
Taking the time to understand all this emotional stuff has been so helpful. I feel as though patience is growing within me...that the care and concern and awareness I have towards my own emotional well-being is developing...and I feel as though the relationships I have with people, however few, are becoming stronger and more intimate. I like all of these things.
It is good to reflect on this stuff...but it's even more important to take a practice approach. How can one talk about all this and not practice it? Time to put my stuff into practice....
I feel as though I have filled up my emotional tool box and I have everything I (think I) need to really move forward in life. In fact, I haven't felt this good in a long time, if ever. I finally feel as though I'm living my life by my terms and enjoying it.
What I think is important, however, is to take a mindful approach to problems and to practice holding back your emotional output. I think that this is a personality thing; some people don't get ruffled - I do. This is an area I have to practice. While I know that no one purposely tries to upset me, I still get upset! I don't like feeling upset, but it happens. The mindful approach is to breathe deeply and realize that the anger (or whatever emotion I'm feeling) doesn't come from them, but it comes from how I allow myself to react.
I'm far from perfect. No one is perfect, duh. But simply being aware of this helps me keep things in perspective. I had some unfortunate encounters last week and I am not proud of how I reacted.
How I reacted was part of this insane thought that I would get something from someone. I won't - people cannot perform the way we want them to. In hindsight, if I had thought of that, then I wouldn't have gotten so upset. I'm not going to beat myself up over this incident, but the hindsight is important -- knowing that my desire to "get something" from this person was flawed in so many ways and knowing that I need to absorb the emotional reaction before actually reacting...helps. I feel empowered for when this encounter happens again (because it will).
Taking the time to understand all this emotional stuff has been so helpful. I feel as though patience is growing within me...that the care and concern and awareness I have towards my own emotional well-being is developing...and I feel as though the relationships I have with people, however few, are becoming stronger and more intimate. I like all of these things.
It is good to reflect on this stuff...but it's even more important to take a practice approach. How can one talk about all this and not practice it? Time to put my stuff into practice....
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I've been excited about an epiphany I had several weeks ago. I've been wanting to write it in this blog, but I've had a difficult time figuring out exactly how to write what I'm feeling and what I've discovered. I'll give it a whirl and see if I am able to communicate my theories.
I have always struggled with my desire to receive validation from others, especially men. I'll admit it - it's a problem. I have held myself to perceived expectations from others and it has hurt me many times to see that even when I believe I have achieved these self-imposed expectations, I do not get the "reaction" from the other person that I somehow feel I am entitled to. So I walk away, with my ego feeling bruised.
In the last year, I have learned to recognize when I am reaching for external sources of validation. Instead, I have looked to myself for validation. Are my grades good enough for me? Do I look good enough according to my own standards? Am I a good enough mom according to what I feel? This worked for awhile but then I realized that I had expectations that I could not reach every time. I felt like a failure again.
I started to examine this, especially before and after meditation. I pondered why I was feeling like a failure in nearly all aspects of my life, even though I know full well that I am not. How can I rid myself of feeling miserable?
Two terms came up; validation and expectations. These are two very harmful terms if not used properly. They go hand-in-hand; if you expect validation, it is based on achieving some kind of expectation - the recognition of success in some form or another.
There are external expectations - things you're supposed to do at work, how you are supposed to behave in public; you work hard and get that promotion and raise...you help an elderly person cross the street and feel good as he or she thanks you...those are normal forms of validation for your expectation.
Then there are internal expectations - these can be harmful. Western psychology has taught us to "self-talk" ourselves into feeling good. That sometimes works and sometimes it works well for some people. You know the "I'm smart enough, I'm good enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!" type of talk. I have discovered that when you stand in front of the mirror and try to tell yourself you look good, you are setting an expectation of yourself to say that you look good - and you know, maybe you don't look good! Maybe you drank too much the night before or you're sick or something and you just do not feel that you look good. If you try to tell yourself that you look good when you don't, you're setting up an expectation to feel a way that you cannot and therefore, you have failed yourself. You walk away feeling even worse than you look!
I proposed to remove all feelings of expectations and all forms of validation. When those feelings of expectations are removed from every fiber of your soul, you can find peace. I developed a physical exercise to help visual this.
Stand up with your hands raised over your head, fingertips touching. Feel the pressure outside of your arm-circle...imagine those are the expectations of external sources - parents, employers, teachers, etc...then visualize the space inside your arms as the "reactions" to those expectations...feelings of accomplishment AND failure. You can feel the pull of gravity after awhile...and you realize you cannot take on the responsibility of those external expectations for too long or else your arms will ache and you will collapse.
Next place your hands on your head. The same weight on your arms...visualize that those are your own expectations - the self-talk stuff; and the smaller space in your arms still hold the feelings...personal feelings of failure and accomplishment. There is less space to feel negativity, but there still is space. And since your head is supporting the weight of your arms, you can hold this longer. You will still tire after awhile and you'll have to bring your arms down, succumbing to gravity.
Lastly, bring your arms down and hug yourself. Yes, I know this sounds kind of cheesy. When you hug yourself, you can hold onto yourself indefinitely. You have removed the pressures of expectations and validation. You have eliminated the space within yourself to feel good or bad about what you may or may not have done. Those emotions are, figuratively speaking, empty. You have reached your true self...you have reached peace..your emotions are calm and you can recognize the most basic needs. You are able to acknowledge that you feel something and it's based on nothing except the moment.
It's almost a feeling of nirvana. It is wonderful. It is wonderful because it is nothing. And the nothing is everything. Your needs become primary and they have nothing attached to them. They are simply needs that need to be met...there is no failure and no accomplishment.
My friend, I hope you can experience this at sometime in your life. It is a beautiful feeling. Emotional stress is all gone...and you just are. Good luck.
I have always struggled with my desire to receive validation from others, especially men. I'll admit it - it's a problem. I have held myself to perceived expectations from others and it has hurt me many times to see that even when I believe I have achieved these self-imposed expectations, I do not get the "reaction" from the other person that I somehow feel I am entitled to. So I walk away, with my ego feeling bruised.
In the last year, I have learned to recognize when I am reaching for external sources of validation. Instead, I have looked to myself for validation. Are my grades good enough for me? Do I look good enough according to my own standards? Am I a good enough mom according to what I feel? This worked for awhile but then I realized that I had expectations that I could not reach every time. I felt like a failure again.
I started to examine this, especially before and after meditation. I pondered why I was feeling like a failure in nearly all aspects of my life, even though I know full well that I am not. How can I rid myself of feeling miserable?
Two terms came up; validation and expectations. These are two very harmful terms if not used properly. They go hand-in-hand; if you expect validation, it is based on achieving some kind of expectation - the recognition of success in some form or another.
There are external expectations - things you're supposed to do at work, how you are supposed to behave in public; you work hard and get that promotion and raise...you help an elderly person cross the street and feel good as he or she thanks you...those are normal forms of validation for your expectation.
Then there are internal expectations - these can be harmful. Western psychology has taught us to "self-talk" ourselves into feeling good. That sometimes works and sometimes it works well for some people. You know the "I'm smart enough, I'm good enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!" type of talk. I have discovered that when you stand in front of the mirror and try to tell yourself you look good, you are setting an expectation of yourself to say that you look good - and you know, maybe you don't look good! Maybe you drank too much the night before or you're sick or something and you just do not feel that you look good. If you try to tell yourself that you look good when you don't, you're setting up an expectation to feel a way that you cannot and therefore, you have failed yourself. You walk away feeling even worse than you look!
I proposed to remove all feelings of expectations and all forms of validation. When those feelings of expectations are removed from every fiber of your soul, you can find peace. I developed a physical exercise to help visual this.
Stand up with your hands raised over your head, fingertips touching. Feel the pressure outside of your arm-circle...imagine those are the expectations of external sources - parents, employers, teachers, etc...then visualize the space inside your arms as the "reactions" to those expectations...feelings of accomplishment AND failure. You can feel the pull of gravity after awhile...and you realize you cannot take on the responsibility of those external expectations for too long or else your arms will ache and you will collapse.
Next place your hands on your head. The same weight on your arms...visualize that those are your own expectations - the self-talk stuff; and the smaller space in your arms still hold the feelings...personal feelings of failure and accomplishment. There is less space to feel negativity, but there still is space. And since your head is supporting the weight of your arms, you can hold this longer. You will still tire after awhile and you'll have to bring your arms down, succumbing to gravity.
Lastly, bring your arms down and hug yourself. Yes, I know this sounds kind of cheesy. When you hug yourself, you can hold onto yourself indefinitely. You have removed the pressures of expectations and validation. You have eliminated the space within yourself to feel good or bad about what you may or may not have done. Those emotions are, figuratively speaking, empty. You have reached your true self...you have reached peace..your emotions are calm and you can recognize the most basic needs. You are able to acknowledge that you feel something and it's based on nothing except the moment.
It's almost a feeling of nirvana. It is wonderful. It is wonderful because it is nothing. And the nothing is everything. Your needs become primary and they have nothing attached to them. They are simply needs that need to be met...there is no failure and no accomplishment.
My friend, I hope you can experience this at sometime in your life. It is a beautiful feeling. Emotional stress is all gone...and you just are. Good luck.
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