Reminiscing

Reminiscing. I did some of that this weekend.

I love cleaning and discovering things from the past; old letters, photos, etc. I like to reread them and remember that even on my darkest days when I'm putting out phone calls and reaching out because the loneliness is overwhelming, I am not alone and that I am loved.

My mother recently brought me a box of mine that I had started in high school; it contained my various high school dance corsages, notes I thought were important (you know, those notes we passed to each other in the hallways...from friends and boyfriends - you Andrew, I saved your notes!) and fortunately I found a note from my grandfather. That especially struck a chord with me. The summer he had passed away, I had the opportunity to visit him while he was ill down in Arkansas; I didn't go - I was "too busy." He died before I had a chance to go. I will always regret that choice and now I make it a priority to visit ill relatives. I realize I should spend more time with them while they're healthy, but we all have our lives and some days they are just too insane to think much further outside of our own little system.

I like looking around my office and seeing various items like my college graduation honor chords...and I found my actual diploma! Going on this reminiscing thing, I decided to clean out my CD collection. The majority of my music is on my itunes but I refuse to get rid of some of my CDs. Some of them are genuine collector's items (like my Archers of Loaf albums - I couldn't find one of them on ebay, so we know it's legit, right?) I also found all of my Modest Mouse CDs. I had stopped listening to them awhile ago because I was disappointed at the turn they took; in my opinion, they had sold out. Regardless of whether or not they had (and everyone has a right to do what they believe is best for themselves or in this case, for their band), the albums I have are freakin' ridiculously awesome and I have been enjoying listening to them.

I also went browsing with my friend on Saturday and she found a Rod Stewart album which was particularly important in high school - I remember numerous basement dance parties in which we'd alternate with "If You Think I'm Sexy" with various Modest Mouse music, Jets to Brazil, etc. So it was an incredible walk down memory lane this weekend - it was pretty great!

What I am reflecting on the most, though, is the way people change. This includes my own change. But mostly I have been reflecting at how friends of mine and I were and how we are now. Some have changed and others have not. Some have done some amazing things with their lives and some are, well...no comment. And of course, this is all opinion.

What I think is important to note here, is that regardless of the oh-so-accurate measuring stick of Tessa, regardless of what I think is "success", if people in my life are happy doing whatever they are doing, then, in my opinion, they are successful.

Sometimes I look at my life and all I can see are the flaws. But then I reflect on my past and I see that, you know, I'm doing okay. My life is a-okay. Sometimes, though, I'd give anything to be back in that living room in Milwaukee, hanging with friends, being ridiculous and acting like idiots.

For a long time, I have thought that indulging myself in my history and enjoying the things I enjoyed way-back-in-the-day was a sign of immaturity and so therefore, I couldn't allow it. Well, after a weekend of some deep contemplation, I have realized that, just like everything, it is perfectly okay to act like an idiot, even here, in my 30th year of life, as long as the responsibilities of adult life have been met.

I don't know the exact message I am trying to get across in this particular blog. I guess I have just been spending time considering how to enjoy life a little more. How to laugh more, how to have more fun, how to stop being so annoyed at nearly everything...maybe acting like that 20 year old girl a little more every once in awhile isn't such a horrible thing!