I believe in karma. I don't know when I started believing in it but it seemed to make sense to me and so I thought that I should try to live in a way where I wouldn't acquire bad karma. For the most part, I have been a good person but I am not going to try to convince anyone that my life has been saintly; a year ago, I think I was the craziest I have ever been. I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself. I was angry and full of rage and pretty much seething. I used this blog to help get some of it out.
It occurred to me awhile back, maybe sometime in the fall (I'm not quite sure and I don't think it matters), that I was running in circles with my desire to "get better." I hadn't really put forth the effort to make significant changes. I was, as they say, doing the same things, expecting different results. That is, in the AA world, the definitely of insanity.
So I stopped. I retreated. I pulled into myself and focused on myself and a lot of that involved learning how to forgive myself for the things I had done to myself and others. I sat, for many months, thinking about what I needed to do, seeking out resources, trying very hard to move forward.
Forgiveness. It's a concept that we're all "familiar" with. I think, though, that we're raised in this world to just automatically give forgiveness when maybe we're not ready to do so. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I think (every time I say "I think", I feel like I should say - "and this is only my opinion") that it is better to wait and thoroughly process the hurt you've incurred and to let that hurt fall away and then forgive thereby forgiving in a very genuine way rather than to just think that the act of forgiveness will automatically make the hurt go away.
We all hurt. We hurt each other. We hurt ourselves. It's human nature. Look at the things that are happening all over the world; however, we have the option, as individuals, of whether or not we're going to make "hurt" part of our daily routine, whether that be hurting ourselves or someone else.
With forgiving someone also comes the allowance to trust that person. When you forgive that person, you are allowing yourself to trust them again, even if just a little bit. And from that little bit, you can let it grow into something more.
Oh, life is a funny thing. It's constantly changing; it's sometimes difficult to live in the moment and not in the past; we carry guilt in a basket on our heads and it fills up...becomes heavy. If we don't empty it from time to time, it will prevent us from moving forward; it's too much. We cannot carry the past; we can only reflect upon it and take the good and prevent the bad from happening again. It's a concept that I have personally struggled with for awhile. But I'm getting there...everyday is a change for something good to happen and to do something good for someone else. Everyday is brand new and full of hope. Every single day and every single moment. Be well friends.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Strength from Within
I have noticed that in the last few months (or year, really, if you think about it), there has been a shift in the people who are in my life. As I change (for the better), I find that some people are loving the change and are completely along for the ride. Others, well, aren't digging it so much. Most of them quietly fade into the background and there are no bad feelings. At least, I don't really feel badly. Life changes; people come and go and that is the natural way of things.
On the other hand, I have noticed in this last year that I have also experienced some negative episodes between myself and others. Well, I should say that it's been more like as I have slowly and quietly moved away from relationships that I feel aren't very beneficial to me or the other person, there has been some backlash.
I am definitely not going to get into specifics, but yesterday was one of those challenging days where I had to decide whether or not I was going to believe the hurtful things that a person was saying to me, about me. Things that really have no real value; low-blows, so to speak.
It was up to me. It was up to me to decide whether or not to believe any of the things he said. Would I allow this person who is obviously coming from a place of hurt, determine my value of self? Was I going to believe him when I told me I'm ugly and unworthy, stupid and so forth? Would I let this person, furious with my decision to "go solo" and expand my life beyond him, change the positive energy I have within me?
If you know me, I think you already know what the answer is. Of course I'm not going to let him determine how I feel about myself. Not even for one moment. A year ago, I don't know if I could have said the same. A year ago I probably would be so upset and so broken apart because of something that someone else said, therefore seeking external validation, feeding (or not feeding) the ego...but now? No.
Can you say the same for yourself? Can you look at yourself in the mirror all while arrows of hate are being shot at you and still remain strong and determined that you are beautiful in exactly who you are? If you can't, it's time to scale back the life for a bit and strengthen what is in the works to being strengthened. You might consider those who you spend time with - are they full of anger and negativity and therefore affecting you?
You know, something that this person said to me was that I was the most self-centered person he'd ever met. Obviously it was an angry statement but it got me thinking. Where is the center of your world? Why, it's right within you! You are the center of the world - of your world. You are, in fact, the center-of-self...therefore, self centered. Of course that's not what he meant, but if you aren't in charge and focused on the improvement of yourself and your world, then what are you?
There is nothing more important than taking care of yourself. It is highly important to make sure you are blooming from within before you can reach out and share your positive energy with others. So it's important to reflect on the anger that others might reflect on to you and decide, honestly and genuinely, that it is not something that you are going to let into the center of your Self. Life is all about a series of endless decisions...make some good decisions today!
On the other hand, I have noticed in this last year that I have also experienced some negative episodes between myself and others. Well, I should say that it's been more like as I have slowly and quietly moved away from relationships that I feel aren't very beneficial to me or the other person, there has been some backlash.
I am definitely not going to get into specifics, but yesterday was one of those challenging days where I had to decide whether or not I was going to believe the hurtful things that a person was saying to me, about me. Things that really have no real value; low-blows, so to speak.
It was up to me. It was up to me to decide whether or not to believe any of the things he said. Would I allow this person who is obviously coming from a place of hurt, determine my value of self? Was I going to believe him when I told me I'm ugly and unworthy, stupid and so forth? Would I let this person, furious with my decision to "go solo" and expand my life beyond him, change the positive energy I have within me?
If you know me, I think you already know what the answer is. Of course I'm not going to let him determine how I feel about myself. Not even for one moment. A year ago, I don't know if I could have said the same. A year ago I probably would be so upset and so broken apart because of something that someone else said, therefore seeking external validation, feeding (or not feeding) the ego...but now? No.
Can you say the same for yourself? Can you look at yourself in the mirror all while arrows of hate are being shot at you and still remain strong and determined that you are beautiful in exactly who you are? If you can't, it's time to scale back the life for a bit and strengthen what is in the works to being strengthened. You might consider those who you spend time with - are they full of anger and negativity and therefore affecting you?
You know, something that this person said to me was that I was the most self-centered person he'd ever met. Obviously it was an angry statement but it got me thinking. Where is the center of your world? Why, it's right within you! You are the center of the world - of your world. You are, in fact, the center-of-self...therefore, self centered. Of course that's not what he meant, but if you aren't in charge and focused on the improvement of yourself and your world, then what are you?
There is nothing more important than taking care of yourself. It is highly important to make sure you are blooming from within before you can reach out and share your positive energy with others. So it's important to reflect on the anger that others might reflect on to you and decide, honestly and genuinely, that it is not something that you are going to let into the center of your Self. Life is all about a series of endless decisions...make some good decisions today!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Oh, What a World We Live In
There have been quite a few topics on my mind as of late, but this particular issue has come to the forefront of what I need to get "out of my system."
I cannot stand to follow the news. I cannot stand to have conversations with people who are drowning in negativity. I cannot stand to be stuck in the gray and black hues of an oppressive life.
Anyone who has known me for a decent chunk of time knows that I have struggled with my own brand of depression and anxiety; it has been through meditation and Buddhism that I feel as though I am finally budding and blooming into a healthy and wonderful adult; that's the whole point of this blog - I want to share some of it with others and hope they may experience even a small amount of what I have been blessed with over the last year, even through the down parts.
I have been catching stories in the news lately about various acts of slaughter, violence and so forth. I know that people who aren't involved with these violent acts are finding themselves angry and frustrated that this is and has been happening in our society. This behavior is simply senseless.
Unfortunately, the individual has a difficult time stopping mass murder and whatnot. This is where a new theory comes into play. It starts with the Buddhist meditation practice of Loving Kindness. If you practice meditation or are considering it, this practice is an excellent one as you are focusing positive energy onto someone else. However, that's not quite what I'm driving at.
Making a change in the world, i.e., removing the violence, begins with the small acts amongst each other. It begins with smiles and "good mornings" and polite manners of holding doors open. How do you feel when a stranger performs some small act of kindness towards you? I know for me it usually brightens my day and gives me something pleasant to reflect on later in the day.
I am not suggesting we stop our lives just to take up the practice of helping strangers thereby neglecting our usual duties. I am merely suggesting that while we perform our usual duties, we incorporate these small acts of generosity and kindness. The theory is that these small acts will create a ripple effect and help disarm the negativity that surrounds us leading to acts of violence. Forgive the cliche, but smiles are contagious.
If you, as an individual, carry around anger and frustration, what message are you sending off? Yes, there are terrible things happening in the world, but there are good things happening too. You can't march off to Syria and stop the slaughter that is happening there but you can express your love of life and your love for the lives of others (even Syrians) by acting in kindness - others will begin to act in kindness and create a collective; the message send through this behavior will be louder and stronger than any sense of frustration.
Maybe I'm just dreaming of this to happen someday, someday people will love each other again and express this through the small acts. It's part of my life to love, listen, and care...I hope you consider the same. Don't get frustrated at what you can't control; instead, work on what you can control, in your own little life through your own little actions, and be proud of what you can accomplish for others in a single day. Because, friends, that's all we have - today.
I cannot stand to follow the news. I cannot stand to have conversations with people who are drowning in negativity. I cannot stand to be stuck in the gray and black hues of an oppressive life.
Anyone who has known me for a decent chunk of time knows that I have struggled with my own brand of depression and anxiety; it has been through meditation and Buddhism that I feel as though I am finally budding and blooming into a healthy and wonderful adult; that's the whole point of this blog - I want to share some of it with others and hope they may experience even a small amount of what I have been blessed with over the last year, even through the down parts.
I have been catching stories in the news lately about various acts of slaughter, violence and so forth. I know that people who aren't involved with these violent acts are finding themselves angry and frustrated that this is and has been happening in our society. This behavior is simply senseless.
Unfortunately, the individual has a difficult time stopping mass murder and whatnot. This is where a new theory comes into play. It starts with the Buddhist meditation practice of Loving Kindness. If you practice meditation or are considering it, this practice is an excellent one as you are focusing positive energy onto someone else. However, that's not quite what I'm driving at.
Making a change in the world, i.e., removing the violence, begins with the small acts amongst each other. It begins with smiles and "good mornings" and polite manners of holding doors open. How do you feel when a stranger performs some small act of kindness towards you? I know for me it usually brightens my day and gives me something pleasant to reflect on later in the day.
I am not suggesting we stop our lives just to take up the practice of helping strangers thereby neglecting our usual duties. I am merely suggesting that while we perform our usual duties, we incorporate these small acts of generosity and kindness. The theory is that these small acts will create a ripple effect and help disarm the negativity that surrounds us leading to acts of violence. Forgive the cliche, but smiles are contagious.
If you, as an individual, carry around anger and frustration, what message are you sending off? Yes, there are terrible things happening in the world, but there are good things happening too. You can't march off to Syria and stop the slaughter that is happening there but you can express your love of life and your love for the lives of others (even Syrians) by acting in kindness - others will begin to act in kindness and create a collective; the message send through this behavior will be louder and stronger than any sense of frustration.
Maybe I'm just dreaming of this to happen someday, someday people will love each other again and express this through the small acts. It's part of my life to love, listen, and care...I hope you consider the same. Don't get frustrated at what you can't control; instead, work on what you can control, in your own little life through your own little actions, and be proud of what you can accomplish for others in a single day. Because, friends, that's all we have - today.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
My Painting!
Years ago, I was introduced to using art as a way to relieve my anger and stress, my sadness and despair and all those other emotions that sometimes our hearts simply cannot hold. I found my old portfolio with my oil pastel works from a period of time that still means a whole lot to me. What's wonderful is that if you put the oil pastel works in the order that they were created, in a relatively short amount of time (about 4 days) and if you can take into consideration what was going on, you can see a true transformation. I love those works.
I have picked up my brush here and there over the years but haven't been able to define a direction to take my artistic desire to. Well, when I came across these old works, I became inspired again and when taking in the lessons I have learned, I was able to start, complete, and love my most recent work.
It combines art, my travel history (in particular to Australia), and a dedication to a particular type of style. Sure, the thing isn't much to look at but to me, it reflects a new stage of my emotional growth in which I am particularly proud of. The process of the painting required an immense amount of concentration and dedication. It would have been easier to just quit, but I wanted to prove to myself that I could complete it...and I did. And now a whole new world has been reopened.
Most of my friends these days don't realize that once upon a time, art was my escape. I wasn't too bad at it either, but life got in the way and I put my creations aside. I feel alive again, knowing that art is coming back to me.
It's a great relief to have another outlet. Or, rather, to have returned to an outlet. Paint!
I have picked up my brush here and there over the years but haven't been able to define a direction to take my artistic desire to. Well, when I came across these old works, I became inspired again and when taking in the lessons I have learned, I was able to start, complete, and love my most recent work.
It combines art, my travel history (in particular to Australia), and a dedication to a particular type of style. Sure, the thing isn't much to look at but to me, it reflects a new stage of my emotional growth in which I am particularly proud of. The process of the painting required an immense amount of concentration and dedication. It would have been easier to just quit, but I wanted to prove to myself that I could complete it...and I did. And now a whole new world has been reopened.
Most of my friends these days don't realize that once upon a time, art was my escape. I wasn't too bad at it either, but life got in the way and I put my creations aside. I feel alive again, knowing that art is coming back to me.
It's a great relief to have another outlet. Or, rather, to have returned to an outlet. Paint!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Sometimes Love Means Loving Yourself
I have had the experience recently, of being involved with a man who has treated me far superior to men I have dated in the past. There are, of course, all sorts of nit-picky things that I can and have found wrong with the relationship but those weren't the reasons I decided that I should call it off.
I'm sure I hurt him; knowing that hurts me as well. But what was hurting me even more was watching myself become someone I wasn't happy with. I was losing sight of myself.
I have thought about this for awhile and I realized that despite the positive direction the relationship certainly could have continued to go, I wasn't ready for what was available. Sometimes you have to pay attention to what your soul is telling you.
In all my life, I have put a fairly huge emphasis on being with someone. I was married once, chasing that dream of that kind of life. I remember when I came out of that situation feeling like I had failed my dreams, my family, and myself. I dated here and again, and filled in my time since then with one major relationship. It was after that particular relationship that I realized I needed to step away from that entire scene and focus on someone whom I hadn't spent a great deal of time with; myself.
There is the old adage that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. But what does that really mean? Does it mean spa baths and chocolate...does it mean crying until you've beaten yourself down? It could; I'm not going to try to explain what your love of yourself means for you. But for me, it meant building a solid foundation of myself -- of confidence and pride, a small ego, and goals and dreams that are appropriate for me (and my daughter, in this case). So, last summer, I cut my strings of desire for the perfect relationships (a few hiccups aside; I thought I could transform myself even while being involved with someone, but that turned out to be not true). I set out to figure out who I was, what I can become, and what that entails.
I did it; I began to gain a great deal of self confidence and I was relaxed. Meditation helps a great deal; it helps to recognize your emotions and to give them validity. I spent time alone and I spent time with my daughter and friends. I journaled, wrote in this blog, spent time crying, and spent time feeling myself fill up with joy in a way I hadn't ever felt in my short time on this planet.
So, this past winter, when someone did roll into my life, I thought I was ready. I thought I was solid. It was through this experience I realize that my foundation, while having a great start, isn't complete. Maybe it never will be, but I know that there is work that needs to be done. The bricks need to settle and my focus must stay balanced for awhile before I can even consider having my balance knocked around (which is, inevitably, love).
I know I made the right choice; it was scary and I could have had a wonderful relationship and found contentment on some kind of level, but it's not my time. There would only be broken hearts and ruins after a year or two of it and that is not something I want to return to. And it wouldn't be fair to involve someone else in my own personal construction.
My heart and mind are open but they are not ready. I know I will love again. But this love must come from a solid foundation of who I am. I do not want anyone else seeping into the cracks of me, transforming who I am and distorting my personal vision who I am.
If you find yourself in this position, as many people do, do not be afraid to take yourself away for awhile and focus on your own happiness. Love yourself and every bit of you who are before involving the love for and of someone else.
I'm sure I hurt him; knowing that hurts me as well. But what was hurting me even more was watching myself become someone I wasn't happy with. I was losing sight of myself.
I have thought about this for awhile and I realized that despite the positive direction the relationship certainly could have continued to go, I wasn't ready for what was available. Sometimes you have to pay attention to what your soul is telling you.
In all my life, I have put a fairly huge emphasis on being with someone. I was married once, chasing that dream of that kind of life. I remember when I came out of that situation feeling like I had failed my dreams, my family, and myself. I dated here and again, and filled in my time since then with one major relationship. It was after that particular relationship that I realized I needed to step away from that entire scene and focus on someone whom I hadn't spent a great deal of time with; myself.
There is the old adage that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. But what does that really mean? Does it mean spa baths and chocolate...does it mean crying until you've beaten yourself down? It could; I'm not going to try to explain what your love of yourself means for you. But for me, it meant building a solid foundation of myself -- of confidence and pride, a small ego, and goals and dreams that are appropriate for me (and my daughter, in this case). So, last summer, I cut my strings of desire for the perfect relationships (a few hiccups aside; I thought I could transform myself even while being involved with someone, but that turned out to be not true). I set out to figure out who I was, what I can become, and what that entails.
I did it; I began to gain a great deal of self confidence and I was relaxed. Meditation helps a great deal; it helps to recognize your emotions and to give them validity. I spent time alone and I spent time with my daughter and friends. I journaled, wrote in this blog, spent time crying, and spent time feeling myself fill up with joy in a way I hadn't ever felt in my short time on this planet.
So, this past winter, when someone did roll into my life, I thought I was ready. I thought I was solid. It was through this experience I realize that my foundation, while having a great start, isn't complete. Maybe it never will be, but I know that there is work that needs to be done. The bricks need to settle and my focus must stay balanced for awhile before I can even consider having my balance knocked around (which is, inevitably, love).
I know I made the right choice; it was scary and I could have had a wonderful relationship and found contentment on some kind of level, but it's not my time. There would only be broken hearts and ruins after a year or two of it and that is not something I want to return to. And it wouldn't be fair to involve someone else in my own personal construction.
My heart and mind are open but they are not ready. I know I will love again. But this love must come from a solid foundation of who I am. I do not want anyone else seeping into the cracks of me, transforming who I am and distorting my personal vision who I am.
If you find yourself in this position, as many people do, do not be afraid to take yourself away for awhile and focus on your own happiness. Love yourself and every bit of you who are before involving the love for and of someone else.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Fresh Start
If you know me personally, you'll know that in a few months I will have completed my program and will be completely available for full-time employment. This is very exciting as I will have the skills (in theory) to have a decent job which should allow me to finally have a comfortable life. I have so say, though, that I sometimes come home and look around and think "gosh, I am so fortunate. I finally have a home that I love coming home to and love being in." So I'm blessed. I worked hard and got to a place, through the assistance of family and friends, where I love my home.
I've been thinking about how when this stress lifts, I'd like to be happier and smile more. I know that sounds weird, but I've always been one of those people that looks perpetually unhappy, regardless of whether or not I am. It's not uncommon for a stranger to tell me to smile or to ask me what's wrong. Well, honey, I haven't known what's "wrong" until recently. There really isn't anything wrong, but I look back on my path and see many mistakes I've made. I also see how some of those mistakes in my behavior and who I am will never shed me and will remain, my rocks of regret, weighing me down.
It has also dawned on me that regardless of who I am now, some of my actions in the past will never be forgiven. Maybe it's in my head but I feel strongly that I've come to a point in my life that requires a fresh start. I cannot expect people to forgive me, but the important thing is to work on forgiving myself. I have come leaps and bounds in that department.
In the last few years I have personally learned so much about myself and found an inner strength I didn't realize I had. I've been meditating on this very thing for awhile now and as much as I enjoy my little home in this little town, I realize that I need to stop existing in this life and find my own life to live. I want to put that smile back on my face everyday...and even though that smile exists right now, I've been damned that I won't ever change. How can one live like that?
So, in accepting this, I realize that the world is my oyster. I can go anywhere and live well. It's a kind of freedom that I wasn't aware I could ever have! Some times, I think, no matter what you do, the very best thing is to take the lessons you've learned, live them, and allow yourself a fresh start. Which is exactly what I'm going to do.
I've been thinking about how when this stress lifts, I'd like to be happier and smile more. I know that sounds weird, but I've always been one of those people that looks perpetually unhappy, regardless of whether or not I am. It's not uncommon for a stranger to tell me to smile or to ask me what's wrong. Well, honey, I haven't known what's "wrong" until recently. There really isn't anything wrong, but I look back on my path and see many mistakes I've made. I also see how some of those mistakes in my behavior and who I am will never shed me and will remain, my rocks of regret, weighing me down.
It has also dawned on me that regardless of who I am now, some of my actions in the past will never be forgiven. Maybe it's in my head but I feel strongly that I've come to a point in my life that requires a fresh start. I cannot expect people to forgive me, but the important thing is to work on forgiving myself. I have come leaps and bounds in that department.
In the last few years I have personally learned so much about myself and found an inner strength I didn't realize I had. I've been meditating on this very thing for awhile now and as much as I enjoy my little home in this little town, I realize that I need to stop existing in this life and find my own life to live. I want to put that smile back on my face everyday...and even though that smile exists right now, I've been damned that I won't ever change. How can one live like that?
So, in accepting this, I realize that the world is my oyster. I can go anywhere and live well. It's a kind of freedom that I wasn't aware I could ever have! Some times, I think, no matter what you do, the very best thing is to take the lessons you've learned, live them, and allow yourself a fresh start. Which is exactly what I'm going to do.
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