End of a Chapter

This is my last post in this blog.

Yep, my last post.

The entire idea of my blog was to process some struggles and to share the solutions with others who may have the same struggles. We are all people and we all have challenges; no one's challenge is better or worse than anyone else's. We all have a universal struggle to get through life and have some fun along the way.

The last two years have been incredible. I have gone through a huge transition. Without spelling out each and every critical event leading up to this point, the most important thing is, is that I genuinely like myself.

For someone who has always suffered (and still does, to some extent and in some specific areas, but that is human nature) from self-esteem issues, to become in tune with my own wants and needs, respecting my feelings and standing up for myself, I have finally gained the confidence I need to enjoy my life thoroughly.

This blog has served its purpose. I won't delete it; I might have to review it in the future. But at this point, I'm ready to move forward and simply enjoy all the simple things.

Please stay tuned for a new blog; I love writing - it's a great hobby to have. And if I know your address, you'll probably get a card or two (or ten) in the mail as hand writing letters has also become a great hobby.

I hope you have benefited from this blog as it was intended. I wish you all the very best with your lives; they are all beautiful and unique. 

Spring Hath Sprung!

This has been a spring of awakening!

It's been awhile since I've written because I've been busy wrapping up the semester (and my degree!) and I was unfortunately hit with a very icky bout of bronchitis. But now I feel like the pieces of me are being put back together.

The warmer weather has encouraged my daughter and I to head out each evening and walk. We've chosen a trail along a river and it's 45 minutes of chatting, observing, inhaling (I love the smell!), and giggling. There is a rule that I am not allowed to bring my cell phone along; I am perfectly okay with this. We have been watching a little swampy spot, waiting for the frogs to come out...and there is a shoe tree that we always look for. It's a simple activity that relaxes us every time we go out there. I love it. So does she.

This past winter, I really "hermatized" myself. I was so depressed and stressed out over my academics and changes going on in my life that it had gotten to the point where I really only wanted to be around a few people. I didn't want to puke my depression out over everyone. I knew things had to change and that I was the one responsible for it. I reinvigorated my meditation practices and started working out again. And then, fortunately, something clicked in my head and all the happiness and joy that my depression had been holding back like a dam came spilling forward, filling me up with optimism. But what it filled me up with the most was confidence.

I went out a few weeks ago, shortly after the dam breaking, and enjoyed the  company of those who I hadn't seen in ages. I missed them! I have thusly been enjoying the friends whom I had stayed away from.

I think that's important though. I spent time, isolating myself, because I was tired of myself. And I knew that anyone who I let in was going to get an earful about whatever was hurting me. And I know that people experience stress when you linger on a negative emotion. There were a few people who I wanted to stay in touch with and I am incredibly grateful that they stuck around, even though there were so many conversations where all I could do was focus on my anger and misery. I'm sure I was trying and difficult. There was one particular moment when I realized that I was the only one hanging on to that misery and that it was my responsibility to get it together.

And I did. I did it all over my mala beads...I meditated and wrote and blossomed.

It was good to check out for awhile...it was good to focus on my own needs for a bit...and when you do that, you can come back stronger and better...a whole person rather than fragments. And you can rejoin friends and make new ones...fill your life up with positive things and become happy in a very simple way.

Be happy - happy spring!

Value of Yourself

If you know me personally, you'll know that I have been working hard over the last two years to earn another degree; this time in paralegal studies. Things are winding down, wrapping up, and I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life.

I have started to have free time. Legitimate free time. I have been able to call on friends to make plans and I've had time to go out and about. It's amazing as I have been so swamped with things and when I'm not swamped I'm exhausted and so I haven't really gone out much. At all. In fact, I think that my personal isolation has caused some damage to some connections but I have learned to appreciate those who have hung in there for me.

So as this new chapter begins, I realize there are choices to be made. Not bad or good, just choices. In particular, I have thought about making positive choices for myself instead of clinging to bad choices from my past. You see, I woke up one day (metaphor) and felt like I deserved the wealth of good choices. In essence, my confidence had blossomed.

Taking the reigns of your own life and realizing that you're worth all the goodness and beauty that exists is something that I (as well as others who struggle with self-esteem issues) was startled to have found. In fact, it came as such a shock that it has thrown me off balance. And I mean this only in a good way.

So as I wind down the intensity of my education and move forward into the next phase, I have made the decision to leave behind all the mistakes, taking only the lessons as I am a good enough person to not have to carry the weight of the past. And in moving forward, I realize that I am entitled to the profits of good choices; it's amazing how when we do not have self-confidence, we can make bad choices and we do not believe we are able to access what is good in life. But in realizing self-worth, we start to value ourselves. It's such a wonderful thing, honestly.

Last night, my daughter and I were bored. We had completed our homework, we had cleaned up the kitchen and whatnot and we were just not interested in anything around the house. It dawned on me that this is some of the free time I am starting to have and this is an opportunity to make a memory and enjoy life. So we hopped in the car and drove down to a particular path along the river and spent nearly an hour just exploring, walking, giggling, joking, and enjoying the sweet smell in the air and the freedom of a beautiful Monday night.

Such a good life; it's such a good life!

Put Some Trust Out There

Good morning. I haven't written in awhile because I have been quietly observing interactions between people. You know, sometimes I feel like I'm the one being observed in a fish bowl and other times I feel like I'm observing people in a fish bowl. I guess it depends on how I'm feeling.

What I've learned recently is a serious lack of trust between people. You know, we're only people and we all make mistakes. And unless someone is truly evil (which is so rare it shouldn't be taken into consideration), why not try to take what a person says at face value?

I'm talking about trust here. We don't have to put all our trust and faith into one person that maybe we don't really know that well. But instead of completely blowing someone off and ignoring them, what about putting a little faith in them? What about putting a little faith in a stranger? Giving someone the benefit of the doubt opens up new channels of communication as well as potentially new awesome relationships.

I view the inner workings of myself as a house; I have the power to control who comes in and out of my house. In the past, as we all have, I have had some people come into my "house" and trash it. I kick them out and look at the mess they left. As I put lamps upright and vacuum the rugs in my "house", I tell myself "I am never going to let that happen again!" Well, lately I have begun to think that is not a good way to live.

I have had some guests in my "house" that have made some serious messes, I mean, you know, like crapped on the carpets kind of messes. But there is nothing stopping me from throwing out the "rugs" and getting something new. (Please hang on to this metaphor for a bit yet). I can clean up things and make them nice again; I don't have to live in a mess. I can trust MYSELF to keep my "house" tidy again.

All that being said (did you like my metaphor?), I shouldn't lock people out. I should welcome them in and offer them tea or hot chocolate or something. Let them take a seat in my "house." When they start to act up, instead of letting them wreak havoc all over my new carpets and beautiful furniture, I kindly escort them out. It's as simple as that.

Recognizing those who effect my inner workings in a negative way (trash my house), I have started to notice that those who I let in are of a better "type" than before. But all those connections, new, old, and revamped, require trust. Trust more, be suspicious less but be aware of someone who maybe isn't "quite right" for you and your life. Don't be afraid to kindly escort them out the "door."

I bring up trust because I see that our politicians don't trust each other, we can't trust them...we are losing trust and faith in each other. We help each other out less, we don't hold doors for each other. We don't smile at each other and say good morning.

So, clean your "house", invite someone in. Smile at someone walking on the street and if you have the chance, say good morning. I go to the post office every day for work and I try to say good morning to everyone as we come and go. It's a great way to kick off the day and start to help others put trust in others that we are GOOD people. Think about it....

Stress! Ahhhh!

The last few months, I have been under a tremendous amount of stress. And now, recently, the stress seems to have come to a head, or rather, the manifestation of stress has come to a head...in the form of pimples, all over my face. (I'm 30 years old; why am I still breaking out? Shouldn't this have passed years ago?). Fortunately, I have a simple remedy to cure the little jerks; lemon juice and baking powder. It works quite well and is an inexpensive and quick fix.

I started thinking about the source of the stress. It has also shown up by way of poor sleep, a constant feeling of anxiousness, lack of concentration, and a general feeling of discomfort. Prior to the recent onset of the actual stress symptoms, life had been going quite well. However, when I get stressed, I return to some of the not-so-great habits I have developed over the years as unhealthy ways to cope with my stress.

Having identified the source of the stress (senioritis! job search! apartment search! life search!), I can effectively counter these symptoms. The general practice of meditation and leaving room in my life, each day, for some simple quiet time (quiet when I'm washing dishes, getting ready for work, etc...just briefs moments when I am not bombarded with noise), letting myself go to bed earlier and just let my mind slowly unravel in the comfort of my sheets...PLEASURE READING! And just in general, allowing myself the freedom and liberty to enjoy life.

When I go through these stressful periods in my life (as we all do) we tend to get hyperfocused on what NEEDS to be done, not thinking that taking care of ourselves in such simple ways is a necessity. Well, folks, in order to combat the negative effects of all this stress, taking bits of time to do the simplest mindfulness exercises is what will save us from poor sleep, lack of concentration, and, if you're like me, breakouts all over your face!

Being able to do these things, despite the stress all around, helps us remain in that balanced place. I like to envision a long line with a circle; the trick is to try to keep the circle in the middle, but that's not always the case. Sometimes it will slide to the left or the right (or up or down) and that's perfectly okay. But it is important to be mindful of the center and slowly coerce our balance circle back to the middle. That is where the simple exercises aforementioned come into play. They help to move us back to the middle in a slow and healthy manner.

I hope all is well; I appreciate my readers and I find it flattering when you do read my blog. Thank you!

Patience and Grace

I'm just going to put it out there; I had a bad week. Nothing extremely bad but one of those weeks that we all have from time to time when we just can't wait for the day to be over and then when you wake up and realize the next day isn't going well either, you can't wait for that day to get over and so on and so forth.

Prior to having this bad week (which I guess you could say it was more mediocre than anything), I was on cloud 9. Things have been clipping along smoothly. I'm nearing the end of the term (and therefore the end of my degree) and so of course, there are many things that need to be completed. The stress levels have been high but then to top on the bad week which was last week, I felt like the whole Universe was against me.

I felt sorry for myself for a bit, whined and admittedly, I cried. But every night, as I climbed into bed, I thought "okay, that day sucked; tomorrow can be better." And yet, day after day, the days didn't seem to improve. It was just crap!

But then the big lesson dawned on me. Yes, I believe in the old cliche that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but that suggests that rare, big challenges will test our strength. What about the little nuisances? What about stubbing your toe, twice in one night? Realizing you don't have enough eggs for breakfast? Forgetting...anything! Day after day after day...the big lesson here isn't that life is cut and dry into great days and awful days, but the entire variety of in between days. It's the mosquitoes of days, not the bears of days...and I think that figuring out how to manage through is the important part.

So what if there is a mosquito in your bedroom...at 2 a.m....and you can't find it? Then what? It's a heck of a lot easier to be terrified of a bear in your bedroom at 2 a.m. - you can see that guy and basically pee your pants of fright (fortunately I haven't been in this kind of predicament). But how do you manage getting some sleep even though that bug is buzzing around your head? Frankly speaking, I wait for it to land and smack it. Done. And I'm done with that metaphor as well.

I think that learning grace and patience are the two newest items I want to tackle. I lack both. I want to obtain the grace so that I may move through these difficult days without creating bigger problems (like stubbing my toe for the third time) and I want to learn patience in order to understand that rough days are inevitable and having patience to get through it makes it a heck of a lot easier.

The lesson, sure, is that if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger, but the bigger lesson is how are you going to manage the challenge? I choose patience and grace. What do you choose?

Pain, Hurt, Forgiveness...

I believe in karma. I don't know when I started believing in it but it seemed to make sense to me and so I thought that I should try to live in a way where I wouldn't acquire bad karma. For the most part, I have been a good person but I am not going to try to convince anyone that my life has been saintly; a year ago, I think I was the craziest I have ever been. I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself. I was angry and full of rage and pretty much seething. I used this blog to help get some of it out.

It occurred to me awhile back, maybe sometime in the fall (I'm not quite sure and I don't think it matters), that I was running in circles with my desire to "get better." I hadn't really put forth the effort to make significant changes. I was, as they say, doing the same things, expecting different results. That is, in the AA world, the definitely of insanity.

So I stopped. I retreated. I pulled into myself and focused on myself and a lot of that involved learning how to forgive myself for the things I had done to myself and others. I sat, for many months, thinking about what I needed to do, seeking out resources, trying very hard to move forward.

Forgiveness. It's a concept that we're all "familiar" with. I think, though, that we're raised in this world to just automatically give forgiveness when maybe we're not ready to do so. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I think (every time I say "I think", I feel like I should say - "and this is only my opinion") that it is better to wait and thoroughly process the hurt you've incurred and to let that hurt fall away and then forgive thereby forgiving in a very genuine way rather than to just think that the act of forgiveness will automatically make the hurt go away.

We all hurt. We hurt each other. We hurt ourselves. It's human nature. Look at the things that are happening all over the world; however, we have the option, as individuals, of whether or not we're going to make "hurt" part of our daily routine, whether that be hurting ourselves or someone else.

With forgiving someone also comes the allowance to trust that person. When you forgive that person, you are allowing yourself to trust them again, even if just a little bit. And from that little bit, you can let it grow into something more.

Oh, life is a funny thing. It's constantly changing; it's sometimes difficult to live in the moment and not in the past; we carry guilt in a basket on our heads and it fills up...becomes heavy. If we don't empty it from time to time, it will prevent us from moving forward; it's too much. We cannot carry the past; we can only reflect upon it and take the good and prevent the bad from happening again. It's a concept that I have personally struggled with for awhile. But I'm getting there...everyday is a change for something good to happen and to do something good for someone else. Everyday is brand new and full of hope. Every single day and every single moment. Be well friends.