As I begin this process of building faith in myself - increasing my self-esteem, realizing my own high amount of potential, I realize that this starts in a very basic way. The basics of loving yourself.
I touched on this in the previous entry, but now I feel it's important to delve a little deeper because it encompasses more than just the idea of loving oneself. There are many people who think they've got the love figured out and maybe they have got the right kind of love for themselves.
The love I speak of is a multipurpose, multidimensional love.
When I decided that it was of utmost importance to learn to love myself, I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that. Where does one begin after years - decades - of hating oneself? Well, I began with a very simple idea.
My body. I have never, ever liked my body. I've always been overweight and hated it. And no matter what I had done in the past, I never liked it and nothing was ever good enough. After I had my daughter, I gave it a seriously great effort after I had reached my all time big-ness of 265 pounds and couldn't hardly move. I worked hard and lost a lot of that weight. Some of that weight has come back and I'm still unhappy.
I figure this is the perfect place to start. My body is...ME! And if I'm unhappy with my body, how can I really be any good to the rest of myself? So I started working out again, after a long absence of working out and I'm finding that it not only hurts in that really really great way, but it is enlightening. It's so incredibly energizing as well! I feel like when I start to sweat profusely, I'm sweating out negativity that's been simmering inside of me. Okay, maybe that part is a little silly, but hey, I love it! And I love it in a way I have never loved working out before. This time its because it's not just about getting a hot body but it's about loving myself - my temple! I want to make this body work for me in every way you can think - I want to project the happiness that is building within me and I want to be able to move in the ways I want to move. I want my skin to glow and my hair to shine!
As I have begun working out, my self-confidence has grown tremendously as well. I'm a slow runner right now, and I can't get very far, but I'm running further than I had a week ago! And metaphorically speaking, I'm running away from Old Self and running towards New Self. Thats a helpful way to look at it too!
So as I begin to learn to love myself, I will continue with the most basic thing I know how to show myself love - by taking care of my temple. Clean things up, get the junk out. Get things moving again!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
I wanted...a cigarette.
I wanted a cigarette in the worst way last night. The beautiful inhale...the curled smoke on the exhale...the instant gratification feeling of relaxation....it'd been 2.5 days since my last cigarette.
I blame the movie. My mother and I saw "The King's Speech" and they smoked a lot in the movie. Now granted, that was just how it was back then, but man, I wanted a smoke. I left the theater thinking, turn right - gas station and an $8.50 pack of my favorite cigarettes. Turn left, get in car, go home, GO TO BED.
I had to remind myself that I wasn't quitting because it was expensive to smoke, though it is, I was quitting because my body is MINE and I need to protect it. And that brings in the entire reason I'm building this blog. I say building, because it's more than just writing random thoughts - it's bringing together all of the things in my life that I want to improve. And believe me, there are a lot.
But - I am only one woman and I only have the moment I am living in and the future to look forward to.
I skipped the cigarette because I KNEW I wanted to run when I got up in the morning and having that cigarette would make it much more difficult. I was thinking about the future, rather than thinking about the stress in the past that would make me want to have that cigarette.
Aside from the obvious right-thing-to-do, I was able to get up and run more than ever...a whopping .85 miles. This is no small task for someone carrying the extra weight of a 5 year old kid and muscles almost atrophied from my recently sedentary lifestyle.
This is my first post. I've been on the fence about this for awhile - I want to blog. I want to get my thoughts out. Journaling doesn't do it for me. And there have been many, many things that have happened over the last year that have gotten me to this point. Perhaps subsequent entries will reveal the challenges I've overcome, but for now, I'm going to keep it simple.
I woke up a few weeks ago and realized that I was unhappy with everyone in my life. I hated everyone. And the more I tried to stop hating, the harder it became. And then I realized, it's not THEM I hate...it's ME that I hate. And when I was able to look inward, I saw that I hated my body, my ideas, my intelligence....that I was so imperfect that how could ANYONE possibly love me? After a wonderful weekend with someone I love, and coming home and returning to the self-hatred, I KNEW I had to do something. I needed to have a love affair with myself.
It's not about buying myself stuff...it's not about a gallon of chocolate ice cream...it's about perfecting my temple, opening my mind and respecting myself, learning to fully love myself, inspite of the setbacks and whatnot and to keep my eyes looking towards the future, rather than lingering in the past.
I've sent my link to only a few people right now because, well, I'm not sure how this is going to go and I'm not sure who I want to know everything. But, just like anything, I need to start somewhere.
Thanks for reading!
I blame the movie. My mother and I saw "The King's Speech" and they smoked a lot in the movie. Now granted, that was just how it was back then, but man, I wanted a smoke. I left the theater thinking, turn right - gas station and an $8.50 pack of my favorite cigarettes. Turn left, get in car, go home, GO TO BED.
I had to remind myself that I wasn't quitting because it was expensive to smoke, though it is, I was quitting because my body is MINE and I need to protect it. And that brings in the entire reason I'm building this blog. I say building, because it's more than just writing random thoughts - it's bringing together all of the things in my life that I want to improve. And believe me, there are a lot.
But - I am only one woman and I only have the moment I am living in and the future to look forward to.
I skipped the cigarette because I KNEW I wanted to run when I got up in the morning and having that cigarette would make it much more difficult. I was thinking about the future, rather than thinking about the stress in the past that would make me want to have that cigarette.
Aside from the obvious right-thing-to-do, I was able to get up and run more than ever...a whopping .85 miles. This is no small task for someone carrying the extra weight of a 5 year old kid and muscles almost atrophied from my recently sedentary lifestyle.
This is my first post. I've been on the fence about this for awhile - I want to blog. I want to get my thoughts out. Journaling doesn't do it for me. And there have been many, many things that have happened over the last year that have gotten me to this point. Perhaps subsequent entries will reveal the challenges I've overcome, but for now, I'm going to keep it simple.
I woke up a few weeks ago and realized that I was unhappy with everyone in my life. I hated everyone. And the more I tried to stop hating, the harder it became. And then I realized, it's not THEM I hate...it's ME that I hate. And when I was able to look inward, I saw that I hated my body, my ideas, my intelligence....that I was so imperfect that how could ANYONE possibly love me? After a wonderful weekend with someone I love, and coming home and returning to the self-hatred, I KNEW I had to do something. I needed to have a love affair with myself.
It's not about buying myself stuff...it's not about a gallon of chocolate ice cream...it's about perfecting my temple, opening my mind and respecting myself, learning to fully love myself, inspite of the setbacks and whatnot and to keep my eyes looking towards the future, rather than lingering in the past.
I've sent my link to only a few people right now because, well, I'm not sure how this is going to go and I'm not sure who I want to know everything. But, just like anything, I need to start somewhere.
Thanks for reading!
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