My thoughts lately have been going in three major directions. I've been wondering how they tie into each other and it seems as though, as many things tend to, it all leads back to self.
I've been contemplating the idea of being friends with the self. It doesn't seem like much of a concept, but really, as a basic way of looking at it, you are with yourself - forever. So you'd better learn to like and love yourself, in yourself, by yourself. I'll come back around to this in a moment.
Friends with others. Have you examined your friendships lately? I know that's been a huge thing for me and I have noticed that since I have started this whole entire self-exploration, my friendships have changed. I have watched some folks fade away and new people have come around. I can't say whether or not it's just a change in the tides because that's just life or if, perchance, that the person I am becoming requires relationships of a different nature. I think, honestly, it's a combination of the two.
So those are two of three items that have been floating around in my brain soup. They are important because if the third item plays a huge role in how you are friends with yourself and friends with others. Everyone has probably heard of this word...this concept; but do we really know what it means?
Integrity. I thought about integrity the last few days because I was wondering if a recent action had fallen into the category of what could be considered lacking integrity. But then I realized it wasn't something that I could judge. It's not an action that belongs to me so therefore, I cannot let that action effect me in any real way.
But lets look at the word. Integrity has several different meanings (I looked) but in essence, it means "to be whole - to be undivided." This applies to the self when we look at self-integrity. To have self-integrity means to honest with ourselves...completely and undeniably honest with ourselves and our actions. It is also an agreement to yourself that your values, goals and actions are aligned correctly and work in harmony. When you are able to see the truth of yourself and become honest about your values, you can realize your goals and put into play the actions you need to accomplish them.
Another item that seems to stand out when it comes to self-integrity is the absence of fear. That means shedding the negative talk; the "I can't" "I shouldn't" and so forth. When you veer off the path of self-integrity, you will hear a little voice telling you so...that is, if you have the confidence to live your life with integrity. You will be reminded of what you're doing, why you're doing it, and the things you need to do to accomplish it. Whatever it is. As I mentioned before, it is important to be friends with yourself and to love yourself; it is difficult to love someone outside of yourself that you cannot trust or that you fear or that you look down upon because they fear so greatly, so do not apply those types of qualities to yourself. Carry integrity within yourself.
Integrity becomes important when it comes to our friendships because of two things; we have to have self-integrity because it's an important part of our own self-esteem. If we can prove to ourselves that we ARE capable of following through with our values and goals and we do it fairly well, measuring up to our OWN standards and not others, then we can move on to the next goal.
If we can provide integrity to our friendships, then we become a steadfast fixture to others. We become a dependable person to others. This can be tricky though - we have to "do things" for others because it benefits ourselves as well - not just to please others. So that is important to keep in mind. We have to do things for others that we will somehow benefit.
So it's kind of a triad - integrity, friendships with others, friendships with self. I think it starts with having a full understanding of integrity. Then it must be applied to our interpersonal relationship and sustained by completing goals, however big or small those goals are - as long as those goals are aligned with our long term dreams and our values. Thirdly, we can apply integrity to our friendships, providing stability and dependability which will, in turn, benefit ourselves.
The perk from all this integrity talk is simple; with integrity, the quality of our relationships, internal and external, will improve immensely. Practice integrity and start with the self.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Faith
Last night I had a conversation with someone whom I thought had a great deal of compassion for people. We discussed fuel technology (not that I know a great deal about this). It even became a topic of discussion because I'm very interested in steering my career towards intellectual property law, including patents. I have a firm belief that the way the law is set up now is very anti-productive towards creating a better life and home for us all and that we need to rethink our patent laws. In particular, I believe that many fuel-saving measures are tied up in expensive patents that oil companies bought from their inventors. I feel that I would like to help overcome some of these crippling laws in order to benefit society.
The conversation took an interesting turn - this lady told me that people wouldn't change even if they were presented a proper argument on how fuel savings would help the environment. Then, of course, I told her that people are concerned with money and money equals gas and the less gas they use, the more dollar they get. It's simple math, really. She stifled the conversation with a simple "I don't have faith in people. They won't do that." And when I attempted to counterpoint, she turned her body away from me and said "I've been around a lot longer than you; I know - you don't." And she walked away.
Now, this whole conversation has bothered me all day. I feel very strongly that if you don't have faith in people, then what is the point of doing anything for anyone else, except for your own selfish needs? This makes me wonder about what kind of woman she really is - actually, perhaps, quite selfish. There really was no point in arguing with someone who had that ignorant of a viewpoint and couldn't consider another view. You meet up with brick-wall type people all the time and the only thing you can do is bow out gracefully and move along.
I find it interesting that my topic on faith comes on the heels of what has been a very rough week. Sick daughter, missing work and classes, hoping to god that I don't get sick too! And, well, I've rolled with it, all this week, most entirely by myself, except for last night when my father relieved me of my duties for a few hours.
I woke up feeling quite sorry for myself - how I hate that I'm not married - how so many other people have it so much easier than I do - why don't people see that I'm working hard? Why can't someone give me a nod?
I thought and thought about this issue and realized that I cannot rely on other people for my well-being. It is the faith within myself that I have to stand by - whether that's in the intellectual property law area or the faith in myself of being a good mom, despite the circumstances. Well, I survived the week, in tact, barely, and I see the strength I have within me. I have a renewed sense of faith in myself, in all that I do. I don't have to draw comparisons to other people to see that I'm a strong person - my goals are slowly being met and I think that while this is a very personal entry, it's very relevant. Finding strength within yourself and then having the courage to embrace that strength...and following up with having faith in your strength and courage....allows you to move forward.
Onward and Upward! (Have I already used that?)
The conversation took an interesting turn - this lady told me that people wouldn't change even if they were presented a proper argument on how fuel savings would help the environment. Then, of course, I told her that people are concerned with money and money equals gas and the less gas they use, the more dollar they get. It's simple math, really. She stifled the conversation with a simple "I don't have faith in people. They won't do that." And when I attempted to counterpoint, she turned her body away from me and said "I've been around a lot longer than you; I know - you don't." And she walked away.
Now, this whole conversation has bothered me all day. I feel very strongly that if you don't have faith in people, then what is the point of doing anything for anyone else, except for your own selfish needs? This makes me wonder about what kind of woman she really is - actually, perhaps, quite selfish. There really was no point in arguing with someone who had that ignorant of a viewpoint and couldn't consider another view. You meet up with brick-wall type people all the time and the only thing you can do is bow out gracefully and move along.
I find it interesting that my topic on faith comes on the heels of what has been a very rough week. Sick daughter, missing work and classes, hoping to god that I don't get sick too! And, well, I've rolled with it, all this week, most entirely by myself, except for last night when my father relieved me of my duties for a few hours.
I woke up feeling quite sorry for myself - how I hate that I'm not married - how so many other people have it so much easier than I do - why don't people see that I'm working hard? Why can't someone give me a nod?
I thought and thought about this issue and realized that I cannot rely on other people for my well-being. It is the faith within myself that I have to stand by - whether that's in the intellectual property law area or the faith in myself of being a good mom, despite the circumstances. Well, I survived the week, in tact, barely, and I see the strength I have within me. I have a renewed sense of faith in myself, in all that I do. I don't have to draw comparisons to other people to see that I'm a strong person - my goals are slowly being met and I think that while this is a very personal entry, it's very relevant. Finding strength within yourself and then having the courage to embrace that strength...and following up with having faith in your strength and courage....allows you to move forward.
Onward and Upward! (Have I already used that?)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Water for the Soul
You know what? I love this weird brand of hip-hop/surf/reggae music, namely The Dirty Heads. And thanks to Pandora, I'm discovering all these new bands...like "Slightly Stoopid." It just makes me want to move my body.
Speaking of moving the body, I'm entering into week four of a rigorous and continuous workout and I cannot express to you how fantastic I feel. I haven't seen major changes in my actual physical appearance, but the mental improvement is worth the sweat and cramps and occasional pain (that's what ice is for, right?).
The item on my mind recently has been jealousy. All self-improvement items aside, I will be the first to admit that I am a jealous person. It's part of that whole being-insecure thing. However, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on this particular downfall of mine and have come to realize a few things.
Jealousy is one of the most destructive emotions that can occur within a relationship. Jealousy is also one of the most unfounded emotions that we possess as humans. Taken apart, jealousy breaks down into a couple of subtopics:
-Self-Esteem - this seems to be the root of all negativity. Anger, frustration, and jealousy.
-Fear - fear of the unknown.
Self-esteem is a constant struggle for me. However, now that I've been working on only accepting my own approval and not the approval of others, my self-esteem has soared. Like I've been saying for awhile, you are the only person you are with for your entire life and if you're not happy with what you've got, change it. Most of us tend to steer clear of really crappy people but it's our own crappiness that we have to worry about. It's simple, but difficult. But every little push - the self-affirmations, the workouts, the self-awknowledgement of accomplishments - gets you over that hill and onto greener pastures.
Fear is also based off of low self-esteem (in my opinion). Low self-esteem breeds a lack of confidence. If you have a lack of confidence, you probably fear failing in some fashion or another.
Fear in terms of jealousy isn't necessarily about failing, but rather, the fear of the unknown. There are occasions when jealousy comes merely from the IDEA of what COULD happen, especially with lovers. "He's spending time with her - he probably likes her more than me - he's going to break up with me for her - she's going to get him, not me - I'm a failure." When you really pull that apart, what is really going on?
1) He's spending time with her - yeah, he probably enjoys her company. She has something to offer him. What it is exactly - doesn't matter.
2) He probably likes her more than me - what are the grounds for this? Do you think she's more attractive than you? Smarter maybe? What exactly? And what IS the consequence for him liking her more than you? Will you die? Will you incur and illness? Probably not.
3) She's going to get him, not me - She could. And then what? You move on. You'll eventually find a new partner that thinks more of you than he ever did. And then you look back and think, "what the hell was I thinking? I settled for that?"
4) I'm a failure - why? What makes you a failure? Because two people engage in a stimulating situation of some kind or another? That doesn't make YOU a failure - it just makes you different. You have to value your own hobbies, priorities, etc, especially when they don't necessarily vibe with your partners. You cannot de-value then to try to maintain some sort of false sense of control. All you end up doing is losing control and making yourself miserable.
I get jealous, sure. I'm sure that I have made others jealous. Such is life. But it's healthy to step back and take it apart, just like I said, and that helps dissipate the frustration that jealousy breeds.
Speaking of moving the body, I'm entering into week four of a rigorous and continuous workout and I cannot express to you how fantastic I feel. I haven't seen major changes in my actual physical appearance, but the mental improvement is worth the sweat and cramps and occasional pain (that's what ice is for, right?).
The item on my mind recently has been jealousy. All self-improvement items aside, I will be the first to admit that I am a jealous person. It's part of that whole being-insecure thing. However, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on this particular downfall of mine and have come to realize a few things.
Jealousy is one of the most destructive emotions that can occur within a relationship. Jealousy is also one of the most unfounded emotions that we possess as humans. Taken apart, jealousy breaks down into a couple of subtopics:
-Self-Esteem - this seems to be the root of all negativity. Anger, frustration, and jealousy.
-Fear - fear of the unknown.
Self-esteem is a constant struggle for me. However, now that I've been working on only accepting my own approval and not the approval of others, my self-esteem has soared. Like I've been saying for awhile, you are the only person you are with for your entire life and if you're not happy with what you've got, change it. Most of us tend to steer clear of really crappy people but it's our own crappiness that we have to worry about. It's simple, but difficult. But every little push - the self-affirmations, the workouts, the self-awknowledgement of accomplishments - gets you over that hill and onto greener pastures.
Fear is also based off of low self-esteem (in my opinion). Low self-esteem breeds a lack of confidence. If you have a lack of confidence, you probably fear failing in some fashion or another.
Fear in terms of jealousy isn't necessarily about failing, but rather, the fear of the unknown. There are occasions when jealousy comes merely from the IDEA of what COULD happen, especially with lovers. "He's spending time with her - he probably likes her more than me - he's going to break up with me for her - she's going to get him, not me - I'm a failure." When you really pull that apart, what is really going on?
1) He's spending time with her - yeah, he probably enjoys her company. She has something to offer him. What it is exactly - doesn't matter.
2) He probably likes her more than me - what are the grounds for this? Do you think she's more attractive than you? Smarter maybe? What exactly? And what IS the consequence for him liking her more than you? Will you die? Will you incur and illness? Probably not.
3) She's going to get him, not me - She could. And then what? You move on. You'll eventually find a new partner that thinks more of you than he ever did. And then you look back and think, "what the hell was I thinking? I settled for that?"
4) I'm a failure - why? What makes you a failure? Because two people engage in a stimulating situation of some kind or another? That doesn't make YOU a failure - it just makes you different. You have to value your own hobbies, priorities, etc, especially when they don't necessarily vibe with your partners. You cannot de-value then to try to maintain some sort of false sense of control. All you end up doing is losing control and making yourself miserable.
I get jealous, sure. I'm sure that I have made others jealous. Such is life. But it's healthy to step back and take it apart, just like I said, and that helps dissipate the frustration that jealousy breeds.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Bad Behavior
This past weekend has been both awesome and...well...interesting.
A dear friend of mine came in to visit me and we spent the afternoon talking about recent events in our lives and then we sat around, drinking beers, and reminiscing. It was a great time. It made me realize that I love exactly where I am in life...that the past was what it was...and most importantly, I have an excellent future ahead of me.
After my friend left, I decided to spend some time with some other friends. Everything was going well until, well, I had drank too much and my mind started to spin out of control. When I woke up, Sunday morning, I wasn't sure what all had been said or what all I had done, but I felt very ashamed of myself. I know that a wonderful day and evening with friends had turned into a negative night, with the right amount of alcohol.
I don't like the negative things that came out of my mouth, especially because they involved events that were in the past. As I have said before, it's important to compartmentalize the past, experience the emotion of it, and put it away in order to remain in the present. I let the past eat me alive on Saturday night. I know, obviously, one of the best things I can do for myself right now, is to put away the drinks. I have too much internal work to bother with drinking - it's just not a good idea. (And the calories are counterproductive to my workouts!)
Today, as I spent some more time reflecting on it, I realized a few more things. Well, one thing in particular, and that is that my behavior, though it was mostly internal, was rotten. It was an outpouring of my old self, the one who still lingers, even though I work on shedding the old stuff everyday, and that old self behaved very, very badly to the new self.
I realize where I am going in life and I have never felt more proud of my accomplishments and my direction; I feel confident everyday. But how can I continue to improve when I engage in such bad behavior? When the good-self is present, the good-self would never accept the behavior that the bad-self displayed on Saturday night. That is behavior that is outdated for the the person that I am becoming. There is no room in my life for that kind of negativity and it is behavior that makes only for steps backwards.
However, in all of this - all of the things that happened on Saturday night - there is no way that my determination could have grown to its current strength if I hadn't experienced such a set back. It is through our relapses, in our most weak moments, that we can be honest with ourselves and tell ourselves what we truly want and how we truly want to be.
It is when the bad-self, showing itself fully, comes forth so that we can extract it from who we are.
From this point onward, we must accept that from time to time, the bad-self will come out again as we deal with our anger issues. And as we deal with them, more and more of the bad-self will disappear and disintegrate. We are merely humans and can only take on one item at a time and through this process there is much self-forgiveness to perform as well - forgiveness for this moment of weakness.
A dear friend of mine came in to visit me and we spent the afternoon talking about recent events in our lives and then we sat around, drinking beers, and reminiscing. It was a great time. It made me realize that I love exactly where I am in life...that the past was what it was...and most importantly, I have an excellent future ahead of me.
After my friend left, I decided to spend some time with some other friends. Everything was going well until, well, I had drank too much and my mind started to spin out of control. When I woke up, Sunday morning, I wasn't sure what all had been said or what all I had done, but I felt very ashamed of myself. I know that a wonderful day and evening with friends had turned into a negative night, with the right amount of alcohol.
I don't like the negative things that came out of my mouth, especially because they involved events that were in the past. As I have said before, it's important to compartmentalize the past, experience the emotion of it, and put it away in order to remain in the present. I let the past eat me alive on Saturday night. I know, obviously, one of the best things I can do for myself right now, is to put away the drinks. I have too much internal work to bother with drinking - it's just not a good idea. (And the calories are counterproductive to my workouts!)
Today, as I spent some more time reflecting on it, I realized a few more things. Well, one thing in particular, and that is that my behavior, though it was mostly internal, was rotten. It was an outpouring of my old self, the one who still lingers, even though I work on shedding the old stuff everyday, and that old self behaved very, very badly to the new self.
I realize where I am going in life and I have never felt more proud of my accomplishments and my direction; I feel confident everyday. But how can I continue to improve when I engage in such bad behavior? When the good-self is present, the good-self would never accept the behavior that the bad-self displayed on Saturday night. That is behavior that is outdated for the the person that I am becoming. There is no room in my life for that kind of negativity and it is behavior that makes only for steps backwards.
However, in all of this - all of the things that happened on Saturday night - there is no way that my determination could have grown to its current strength if I hadn't experienced such a set back. It is through our relapses, in our most weak moments, that we can be honest with ourselves and tell ourselves what we truly want and how we truly want to be.
It is when the bad-self, showing itself fully, comes forth so that we can extract it from who we are.
From this point onward, we must accept that from time to time, the bad-self will come out again as we deal with our anger issues. And as we deal with them, more and more of the bad-self will disappear and disintegrate. We are merely humans and can only take on one item at a time and through this process there is much self-forgiveness to perform as well - forgiveness for this moment of weakness.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Staying in the Past
Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the idea of moving forward. There are so many good things out there for us and so many of us deny them or think that we're not good enough for them. But honestly, who is to make that judgment call?
I can't really make this very flowery, but it boils down to the fact that if we hang on to the past, we cannot move forward. The past is a serious weight that doesn't allow for growth, if it is mishandled.
My past - all the wrongs inflicted on me; all the regrets - every mistake. Oh man, for years I hung on to that and some days I can't not think about that stuff. But the trick is to compartmentalize it. To take it out when it's bothering you, let yourself feel it for a set amount of time and then "put it away" in order to move on to more important things, things that help you move forward.
It's perfectly acceptable to reflect on the past, after all, those experiences are what makes you YOU. You cannot change that. But it's how you reflect on them that makes the difference. Looking at something with a "poor me for having that happened to me" is going to be much less successful than "oh man, that happened to me, but I don't have to let it happen again" attitude. Relive, reflect, release.
I had a conversation recently with someone whom I love very much but afterwards, I felt icky and angry and all these old emotions. I had wanted a friendship out of him in a way that I just don't think I'll get. The old Tessa emerges, trying to manipulate the situation in order to get what she wants, she fails, and feels angry. The old game, which never works, was played and failed at. Again.
Part of why it didn't work is because the friend also has past-living issues (I think, though I try really hard not to judge - it's just a though calculated based on my reaction and interaction with this person). He expected me to behave in a certain way and boy, I didn't let him down on that. I went to bed upset, BUT full of hope, knowing that today is a new day.
Perhaps I just shouldn't be friends with that person for awhile, if ever. The idea is to move forward. Step by painful step (and they're not all painful) to move forward into blossoming into what I am becoming.
The past - is a ball and chain. And boy did I feel that last night! So, like I said earlier, the situation shall be let go as a bad night - I will not let it effect my day today. If I did, I would be adding another link to my chain.
No one is perfect and change doesn't happen overnight. But being aware makes a huge difference. It helps you move forward.
I can't really make this very flowery, but it boils down to the fact that if we hang on to the past, we cannot move forward. The past is a serious weight that doesn't allow for growth, if it is mishandled.
My past - all the wrongs inflicted on me; all the regrets - every mistake. Oh man, for years I hung on to that and some days I can't not think about that stuff. But the trick is to compartmentalize it. To take it out when it's bothering you, let yourself feel it for a set amount of time and then "put it away" in order to move on to more important things, things that help you move forward.
It's perfectly acceptable to reflect on the past, after all, those experiences are what makes you YOU. You cannot change that. But it's how you reflect on them that makes the difference. Looking at something with a "poor me for having that happened to me" is going to be much less successful than "oh man, that happened to me, but I don't have to let it happen again" attitude. Relive, reflect, release.
I had a conversation recently with someone whom I love very much but afterwards, I felt icky and angry and all these old emotions. I had wanted a friendship out of him in a way that I just don't think I'll get. The old Tessa emerges, trying to manipulate the situation in order to get what she wants, she fails, and feels angry. The old game, which never works, was played and failed at. Again.
Part of why it didn't work is because the friend also has past-living issues (I think, though I try really hard not to judge - it's just a though calculated based on my reaction and interaction with this person). He expected me to behave in a certain way and boy, I didn't let him down on that. I went to bed upset, BUT full of hope, knowing that today is a new day.
Perhaps I just shouldn't be friends with that person for awhile, if ever. The idea is to move forward. Step by painful step (and they're not all painful) to move forward into blossoming into what I am becoming.
The past - is a ball and chain. And boy did I feel that last night! So, like I said earlier, the situation shall be let go as a bad night - I will not let it effect my day today. If I did, I would be adding another link to my chain.
No one is perfect and change doesn't happen overnight. But being aware makes a huge difference. It helps you move forward.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)