I am no expert at love and I will never pretend to be. But I know a few basic things about love and who I love. I love my family, number one, especially my daughter. They are my lifeblood and the people I can also fall to when my life isn't going so well.
There are some friends of mine whom I love. Again - they are folks in my life that I know I can count on when things get tough. They are important to me whether they realize it or not.
But this isn't really about how to love people - we all love someone (unless you're a true psychopath but that's a whole area of psychology that I have neither the time nor the will to explore). But do the people we love KNOW that we love them? Do they KNOW how important it is when they call, just to see how you are doing? Do we take the time to say things like "hey, you're really great and I love you." Not because they just did something remarkable for us or because we want something from them...but just because we love them? I try to let my daughter know, everyday, that I love her. I especially tell her this when she's hopping out of the car for school: "I love you Sweetie...have a wonderful and fun day!"
I know what I feel like when someone says they love me. I feel LOVED. But sometimes I think I disregard or forget to let people know that I love them.
This weekend I shared a conversation with a friend who I don't get to speak with very often. He's working and he works an odd job but he is an important person in my life who helped me to first open my eyes to....MYSELF...and to begin this long and difficult journey of self-love. I love him. Romantically? Nah...well, I mean, I could, but I love him deeply in a way that doesn't require romantic love. The love for him I share (and he says that it's mutual) isn't the kind of love that needs constant contact. We are always there for each other. The love we share isn't selfish - we want the other one to be happy, no matter how that happiness occurs. I realize that I should open up my heart and love more people like that - that selfless, unconditional love. But it's the kind of love that takes time to grow; time, respect, support, and life.
How much do you love? How much do you share your love with others? Do you let people know what they mean to you? How do you feel when someone says they love you - and would you care to share that feeling with others? Do you reflect on love - who you love and who you'd like to love?
Wow, how many times can I say love? Seriously though, love is the thing, you know!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
All the Perceptions in the World...and Only One Matters
My head finally feels normal after four days of a dull and lingering migraine. Stress related, so the doctor says. I finally feel like myself again and I am looking forward to a long and sweaty workout tomorrow morning. This is, of course, assuming that I still feel this good tomorrow morning. I do not like being out of commission like this.
I've been finding lots of bits of myself all over the place - figuratively, of course. As I continue to find these bits of myself, I am finding it interesting to see who is interested in helping me pick up these bits (I refuse to call them pieces...that seems degrading). There are days when I don't feel good - I don't feel happy. But I am able to mostly cope with the crap that comes down the pike. But then, don't we all have horrible days? Days when things just don't seem quite right?
So what is the high standard that others have for us? When we, especially the ones who have "issues", don't perform perfectly on a given day, we have failed to meet the expectations that seem higher than perhaps, others. But why is there any pressure to perform for others at all? Shouldn't we be the only ones, personally, that we hold ourselves accountable to?
Yes. Of course we should. There are typical patterns of human behavior, but patterns are patterns and that doesn't make them the standard. In terms of human emotion, there is no wrong or right way to act. The only right thing to do is to be honest with yourself and the only wrong way to be is to pretend that something is different than what it actually is.
I should also note that in adhering to this way of thinking - the whole cliche "be honest to yourself" thing - it's important to apply this to other people. When people don't behave in a way that you believe is correct you have to really stand back and see if it really matters. If someone doesn't behave in a situation the way that you would, does that necessarily make them wrong? Or just...different?
Lets not be hypocrites here. How many times have you reacted to a situation that wasn't "normal"? Have you been judged for behaving/reacting in the wrong way? I know this is true about you - everyone fails to perform the way they "should"...and that's completely NORMAL. The trick is not to judge when others don't perform the way you want them to.
It's just a reminder - no one is or ever will be perfect. But that doesn't make anyone less or more than another person. We are herd like animals...we act very similarly to one another...but not always.
I've been finding lots of bits of myself all over the place - figuratively, of course. As I continue to find these bits of myself, I am finding it interesting to see who is interested in helping me pick up these bits (I refuse to call them pieces...that seems degrading). There are days when I don't feel good - I don't feel happy. But I am able to mostly cope with the crap that comes down the pike. But then, don't we all have horrible days? Days when things just don't seem quite right?
So what is the high standard that others have for us? When we, especially the ones who have "issues", don't perform perfectly on a given day, we have failed to meet the expectations that seem higher than perhaps, others. But why is there any pressure to perform for others at all? Shouldn't we be the only ones, personally, that we hold ourselves accountable to?
Yes. Of course we should. There are typical patterns of human behavior, but patterns are patterns and that doesn't make them the standard. In terms of human emotion, there is no wrong or right way to act. The only right thing to do is to be honest with yourself and the only wrong way to be is to pretend that something is different than what it actually is.
I should also note that in adhering to this way of thinking - the whole cliche "be honest to yourself" thing - it's important to apply this to other people. When people don't behave in a way that you believe is correct you have to really stand back and see if it really matters. If someone doesn't behave in a situation the way that you would, does that necessarily make them wrong? Or just...different?
Lets not be hypocrites here. How many times have you reacted to a situation that wasn't "normal"? Have you been judged for behaving/reacting in the wrong way? I know this is true about you - everyone fails to perform the way they "should"...and that's completely NORMAL. The trick is not to judge when others don't perform the way you want them to.
It's just a reminder - no one is or ever will be perfect. But that doesn't make anyone less or more than another person. We are herd like animals...we act very similarly to one another...but not always.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Can I Check My Baggage Please?
The long-outdated term that sticks around like dog poop on your shoe cropped up in my life the other day. "Baggage." As in - I have too much baggage.
I find the term "baggage" to be very offensive and I strongly feel that anyone who adheres to the concept of baggage is really quite lacking in maturity.
"Baggage" defined: 1. Painful memories, mistrust and hurt carried around from past sexual or emotional rejection; 2. An excuse commonly used by Peter Pans (?) other immature men to avoid commitment yet maintain a sexual relationship. (I used the Urban Dictionary definition because I find it as humorous as the subject itself).
A positive way to turn this around is to look at "baggage" as life experiences rather than something negative. Everyone has had things come up in life that they have to struggle through. I feel strongly that it's these events that make us stronger and they make us who we are. When the extremely painful or difficult stuff pops up, the "baggage" is the inability to deal with it properly. It's not what happened to you - it's how you handle it.
The problem is - if you don't have this "baggage", then what kind of person are you really? Either you're in denial of what you have to deal with, making you even more dangerous than a person who is willing to admit that they have baggage, or you haven't had much of a life to live. In other words - you haven't been willing to take risks and put yourself out there; what kind of person are you really? I'm not trying to say that everyone has to turn themselves into "damaged goods" in order to be interesting, but as my favorite Chinese quote says "smooth seas do not a sailor make."
Much like Urban Dictionary - I do believe that declaring that someone has too much baggage is a fast cop out and a weak rejection. Probably from someone who isn't capable of dealing with their issues in a positive manner.
Do I have baggage? Ohhhh yeah baby, I DO have baggage! But it's all that stuff from the past that makes me appreciate each and everyday...I very much find joy in life on the up days and there is always light around the edges of the dark days.
I find the term "baggage" to be very offensive and I strongly feel that anyone who adheres to the concept of baggage is really quite lacking in maturity.
"Baggage" defined: 1. Painful memories, mistrust and hurt carried around from past sexual or emotional rejection; 2. An excuse commonly used by Peter Pans (?) other immature men to avoid commitment yet maintain a sexual relationship. (I used the Urban Dictionary definition because I find it as humorous as the subject itself).
A positive way to turn this around is to look at "baggage" as life experiences rather than something negative. Everyone has had things come up in life that they have to struggle through. I feel strongly that it's these events that make us stronger and they make us who we are. When the extremely painful or difficult stuff pops up, the "baggage" is the inability to deal with it properly. It's not what happened to you - it's how you handle it.
The problem is - if you don't have this "baggage", then what kind of person are you really? Either you're in denial of what you have to deal with, making you even more dangerous than a person who is willing to admit that they have baggage, or you haven't had much of a life to live. In other words - you haven't been willing to take risks and put yourself out there; what kind of person are you really? I'm not trying to say that everyone has to turn themselves into "damaged goods" in order to be interesting, but as my favorite Chinese quote says "smooth seas do not a sailor make."
Much like Urban Dictionary - I do believe that declaring that someone has too much baggage is a fast cop out and a weak rejection. Probably from someone who isn't capable of dealing with their issues in a positive manner.
Do I have baggage? Ohhhh yeah baby, I DO have baggage! But it's all that stuff from the past that makes me appreciate each and everyday...I very much find joy in life on the up days and there is always light around the edges of the dark days.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Hey - Bag Lady - Put a Bra On!
I've been battling insomnia for the past week and it's lead me to some pretty interesting nocturnal behaviors. Some...disturbing. Like cereal. I'm not a big cereal eater in the morning, but for some reason, I love having cereal in the middle of the night. It's not very healthy (but who can resist apple cinnamon cheerios at 11 p.m.?). I've also managed to file all the callouses off my feet and I have gone through probably three different colors of nail polish.
This is definitely not ME. I'm the girl who goes to bed at 10 p.m. on the dot and wakes up several minutes before my alarm goes off. I'm completely thrown. Tonight, though, I'm expecting to have a few glasses of wine and if I don't pass out by 11 p.m., I might just go insane.
What I've also been doing during my late night adventures is watching make over shows on television. They're kind of addictive. Like watching a train wreck. You can't help but watch and gawk. People getting some kind of makeover, whether it's in their home or a beauty makeover of some kind or whatever...they start out a total mess and then they wind up some kind of perfect (though there was one episode of "How Do I Look" where the woman looked like a clown when they were done with her. It was astounding).
On the makeover shows, there's inevitably the woman (or man, but they're mostly women) who resists the change. They attempt to justify their pants that are falling apart....their dirty hair...whatever...by standing up for some kind of social injustice ("bras are patriarchal..." sure but your large, swinging breasts in a shirt that doesn't fit you properly is kind of offensive). The first time you see it, you just see that they're attempting to make a statement by how they appear. This goes with how a family's home can look, but dissecting that is more difficult than examining the process of a fashion makeover. And I think that falls into a more serious psychological disorder. I'm speaking of the show "Clean House"...it involves hoarders. That's an entirely different subject.
The woman, looking all kinds of disheveled, is angry that anyone would attempt to make her over. She usually says something negative along the lines of "you're judging me...that's wrong" (I've left the expletives out).
You know what? She's right! We...that is, society...are judging her! We're judging her dirty, messy appearance! No matter what you do, no matter what you think or what you're standing up for - your appearance is important. That's not to say that everyone has to walk around looking like a super model. I believe that you should look like what you stand for, but that doesn't have to come at the cost of a loss of self-respect.
In the makeover shows, I find it interesting that always, ALWAYS, these women, by the end of the episode, all of a sudden see themselves as beautiful. They're standing taller, they glow...and they almost always say "I feel like ME...I feel like I can still stand for what I believe in, but in a more put-together kind of way!"
Looking good is not about fashion labels or heels or a ton of makeup. It's about being confident enough in yourself to project it outwardly. People, especially new people, will judge you on your first appearance. Doesn't matter if you agree with that or not, but they do. So you have to ask yourself - what kind of impression do you want to make? Do you want people to take you seriously for what you believe in...what you stand for? Or do you want to be looked at like another bag lady?
I have a lot of pet peeves in this department (I'm sorry, but the only time you should wear your complete pajamas to the store is if you're half dead and picking up a prescription - pajamas are not acceptable public wear...just sayin'). I could really go on and on. And honestly, it's not about slating people - if you want to sport a mohawk, then sport one....but put it together and wear it proudly (and please, keep some level of cleanliness). If you want to wear Gucci, wear it with a smile. And if you can't outwardly project pride in yourself and what you believe in, it might be time to check yourself - and get it together....build some confidence.
Just sayin'
This is definitely not ME. I'm the girl who goes to bed at 10 p.m. on the dot and wakes up several minutes before my alarm goes off. I'm completely thrown. Tonight, though, I'm expecting to have a few glasses of wine and if I don't pass out by 11 p.m., I might just go insane.
What I've also been doing during my late night adventures is watching make over shows on television. They're kind of addictive. Like watching a train wreck. You can't help but watch and gawk. People getting some kind of makeover, whether it's in their home or a beauty makeover of some kind or whatever...they start out a total mess and then they wind up some kind of perfect (though there was one episode of "How Do I Look" where the woman looked like a clown when they were done with her. It was astounding).
On the makeover shows, there's inevitably the woman (or man, but they're mostly women) who resists the change. They attempt to justify their pants that are falling apart....their dirty hair...whatever...by standing up for some kind of social injustice ("bras are patriarchal..." sure but your large, swinging breasts in a shirt that doesn't fit you properly is kind of offensive). The first time you see it, you just see that they're attempting to make a statement by how they appear. This goes with how a family's home can look, but dissecting that is more difficult than examining the process of a fashion makeover. And I think that falls into a more serious psychological disorder. I'm speaking of the show "Clean House"...it involves hoarders. That's an entirely different subject.
The woman, looking all kinds of disheveled, is angry that anyone would attempt to make her over. She usually says something negative along the lines of "you're judging me...that's wrong" (I've left the expletives out).
You know what? She's right! We...that is, society...are judging her! We're judging her dirty, messy appearance! No matter what you do, no matter what you think or what you're standing up for - your appearance is important. That's not to say that everyone has to walk around looking like a super model. I believe that you should look like what you stand for, but that doesn't have to come at the cost of a loss of self-respect.
In the makeover shows, I find it interesting that always, ALWAYS, these women, by the end of the episode, all of a sudden see themselves as beautiful. They're standing taller, they glow...and they almost always say "I feel like ME...I feel like I can still stand for what I believe in, but in a more put-together kind of way!"
Looking good is not about fashion labels or heels or a ton of makeup. It's about being confident enough in yourself to project it outwardly. People, especially new people, will judge you on your first appearance. Doesn't matter if you agree with that or not, but they do. So you have to ask yourself - what kind of impression do you want to make? Do you want people to take you seriously for what you believe in...what you stand for? Or do you want to be looked at like another bag lady?
I have a lot of pet peeves in this department (I'm sorry, but the only time you should wear your complete pajamas to the store is if you're half dead and picking up a prescription - pajamas are not acceptable public wear...just sayin'). I could really go on and on. And honestly, it's not about slating people - if you want to sport a mohawk, then sport one....but put it together and wear it proudly (and please, keep some level of cleanliness). If you want to wear Gucci, wear it with a smile. And if you can't outwardly project pride in yourself and what you believe in, it might be time to check yourself - and get it together....build some confidence.
Just sayin'
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Take It....Seriously?
The subject of my current state of mind has come up a lot recently. That is - in my own thought processes. A lot has changed in my life, for the better. I get up, everyday, on time, allowing myself to hit "snooze" only two times. I dress in my workout clothes and turn on the coffee pot that I've set up the night before. One cup of coffee and then I'm off to work out. It's a beautiful morning. I can depend on it; it usually doesn't let me down.
So after a particularly successful run this morning, I'm icing my knee and considering the extreme views on life that I take. I have had the following labels applied to me - and I asked for honesty. I'm in this entire process of stripping myself down to the foundation, finding the cracks, and fixing them. So if the beams are rotted, let me know. The labels include "uptight," "intense," "dramatic," "stressed..." I think you get the point. And the thing is, I can agree with all of those statements. I don't really care for those labels to be applied to me. But at the same time, I am who I am - labels and all.
Labels are an easy thing to stick on a person when you're too lazy to get to know them. The people I asked to "label" me are not lazy. They are dear friends who knew what I was getting at. But if those are the instant labels that OTHER people put on me, without getting to know me, then that is clearly what I'm reflecting from somewhere inside myself, no matter what might be going on for real.
I cannot change how people see me - I know that I can only change myself. But the motives for change have to be genuine. After sometime, I realize that I don't really want to change for anyone except myself. Cliche statement, of course, but it's true. I want to wake up every morning and feel beautiful and charming to myself. I want to wake up and see an intelligent capable woman in the mirror. And frankly speaking, I have begun to see that. And it's awesome.
In this entire process - the relationships I have with people - there seems to be three schools of people in my life. There is a new wave of people I'm attracting and I really like it. Intelligent, capable, witty - and fun! And they stick around long enough to see the value in me. They even see a glimpse of it because I'm learning to project my inner feelings in an outward manner.
Then there are the people who can see the change, minimally, because they don't really care that much (which is fine - I'm not saying that in a negative way - just in the way that they're not very connected in my life. You know, the acquaintances we have). They see the change, from time to time and in some cases, they may end up becoming genuine friends.
The third sort of person in my life is the one who is not willing to allow me to change. There are several of these in my life right now and it's almost like they're poison. But this is not a one-sided thing; I have been the one to set up the failure of me in their eyes. However - if they are incapable of seeing the change within me, or doubting me - then that is their own handicap and there is nothing that I can do to convince them otherwise. In fact, the action of making a verbal declaration of change does nothing to help me change and actually makes me take steps backwards. It's self-defeating.
When you look in the eyes of these people, you realize that, according to them, you will always be "crazy" or "foolish and silly" or some other negative term, no matter how much you've moved forward. And if you keep that person in your life, holding such a negative frame around you, can you actually change? If THAT is who you are, to them, and there is no indication of your change upon them, then you have not changed. You have acknowledged that you're willing to accept those negative labels in your relationship with them.
How important is this person to you? How important are you to yourself in keeping your sanity? How many times will you go around and around with this person who cannot and will not allow you grow as a person, in their idea of you - in a way, they're holding you back. But you're the one sticking around, taking the abuse and the disregard.
You HAVE changed and anyone telling you you have not, is content with how things were "before." It's also an excuse not to develop a deeper relationship with someone.
After many conversations, I realize that in one particular person's eyes, I don't think I will ever be anything more than a crazy girl. It's disappointing, yes, but it's time to move forward. There are labels to me, yes, but I'm peeling them off and I don't need anyone picking those labels up off the ground and sticking them back on me.
So after a particularly successful run this morning, I'm icing my knee and considering the extreme views on life that I take. I have had the following labels applied to me - and I asked for honesty. I'm in this entire process of stripping myself down to the foundation, finding the cracks, and fixing them. So if the beams are rotted, let me know. The labels include "uptight," "intense," "dramatic," "stressed..." I think you get the point. And the thing is, I can agree with all of those statements. I don't really care for those labels to be applied to me. But at the same time, I am who I am - labels and all.
Labels are an easy thing to stick on a person when you're too lazy to get to know them. The people I asked to "label" me are not lazy. They are dear friends who knew what I was getting at. But if those are the instant labels that OTHER people put on me, without getting to know me, then that is clearly what I'm reflecting from somewhere inside myself, no matter what might be going on for real.
I cannot change how people see me - I know that I can only change myself. But the motives for change have to be genuine. After sometime, I realize that I don't really want to change for anyone except myself. Cliche statement, of course, but it's true. I want to wake up every morning and feel beautiful and charming to myself. I want to wake up and see an intelligent capable woman in the mirror. And frankly speaking, I have begun to see that. And it's awesome.
In this entire process - the relationships I have with people - there seems to be three schools of people in my life. There is a new wave of people I'm attracting and I really like it. Intelligent, capable, witty - and fun! And they stick around long enough to see the value in me. They even see a glimpse of it because I'm learning to project my inner feelings in an outward manner.
Then there are the people who can see the change, minimally, because they don't really care that much (which is fine - I'm not saying that in a negative way - just in the way that they're not very connected in my life. You know, the acquaintances we have). They see the change, from time to time and in some cases, they may end up becoming genuine friends.
The third sort of person in my life is the one who is not willing to allow me to change. There are several of these in my life right now and it's almost like they're poison. But this is not a one-sided thing; I have been the one to set up the failure of me in their eyes. However - if they are incapable of seeing the change within me, or doubting me - then that is their own handicap and there is nothing that I can do to convince them otherwise. In fact, the action of making a verbal declaration of change does nothing to help me change and actually makes me take steps backwards. It's self-defeating.
When you look in the eyes of these people, you realize that, according to them, you will always be "crazy" or "foolish and silly" or some other negative term, no matter how much you've moved forward. And if you keep that person in your life, holding such a negative frame around you, can you actually change? If THAT is who you are, to them, and there is no indication of your change upon them, then you have not changed. You have acknowledged that you're willing to accept those negative labels in your relationship with them.
How important is this person to you? How important are you to yourself in keeping your sanity? How many times will you go around and around with this person who cannot and will not allow you grow as a person, in their idea of you - in a way, they're holding you back. But you're the one sticking around, taking the abuse and the disregard.
You HAVE changed and anyone telling you you have not, is content with how things were "before." It's also an excuse not to develop a deeper relationship with someone.
After many conversations, I realize that in one particular person's eyes, I don't think I will ever be anything more than a crazy girl. It's disappointing, yes, but it's time to move forward. There are labels to me, yes, but I'm peeling them off and I don't need anyone picking those labels up off the ground and sticking them back on me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)