I have been learning recently, about the idea of compassion. All of my preconceived notions have been flying out the door. In a sense, I thought that compassion meant to "feel sorry for someone." I'm starting to understand that this is not the case.
On Friday evening I met with an important person in the area who leads the Buddhist community. I learned much from him but what I learned the most is that I have already learned a lot, on my own. I seem to have picked up the beginning bits and pieces of theories and thought processes that can help me redirect negativity.
The lesson I walked away from though, the most, is the idea of showing compassion to yourself. How does one do that? Well, I'm certainly no expert but showing compassion for myself combined with acknowledging my emotions and realizing they are valid, has helped tremendously.
The whole idea is to pay attention to how you are feeling, exactly when you are feeling it. In today's society, we are taught to ignore our feelings, to "get over it", etc. This is unhelpful when trying to move forward in life. Instead, I have learned, it is important to realize that we feel the way we feel. And upon acknowledging our feelings, we cannot expect anyone to give us insight to our own thoughts except ourselves.
I was very disappointed last night regarding a situation. In the past, I would have let my emotions get out of control and I would have let irrationality take control. Instead, I talked to myself (yes, we all talk to ourselves from time to time and I find that through my emotional journey that actually speaking out loud to myself is very helpful. Don't worry, I don't do this in public. I will, however, sing in my car with no reservations). I told myself that I was feeling sad and lonely. I let myself BE sad and lonely. I didn't try to diffuse being sad and lonely by turning on the TV or finding someone to talk to or whatever. I accepted these painful emotions and let them flow over me. Later in the evening, I had been asked by someone if I was upset. I told the truth -- that I was feeling sad and lonely. But what's important to note is that I did not make it this person's issue. I said that they were my feelings to deal with, but that was how I was feeling.
I slept hard last night and I woke up feeling better. It helps that the sun is out. But what's more important is realizing that my sadness and loneliness doesn't have to control my goings-on for today. That was yesterday's bath of emotions. Now I have today. And I will accept when I am happy, exactly in the moment which I am happy. I will accept if I become sad, exactly in the moment that I am sad.
The beginning of true self-compassion lies in the ability to accept your emotions and validate them. We suffer because we are human and we feel things. It is insanity to try to make our feelings go away, no matter how much they may hurt from time to time. We must also find joy in our good times as well and embrace the happiness we feel. But being human, we are in a constant state of flux and there is no way, emotionally, that we will always be. Be compassionate towards yourself and understand the ebb and flow and accept all of it -- the good and the bad. Remember, even in the darkest bad moments, the light we see is knowing that badness isn't stagnant -- it'll pass, as these things always tend to pass. Breathe.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Quiet
This past weekend has been one of learning on a much deeper level than I ever expected to achieve. I have somehow accepted quiet into my being and I'm finding it a very relieving state of existence.
I have been studying a number of things lately, primarily Buddhism. What it is bringing to me is a sense of inner peace that I don't know I have ever seen within myself. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. That's the surprising part - a sort of thing like this, you expect it to take slow effect and to make its way in eventually.
Something happened this past weekend. I won't go into the details because the details are unimportant. I knew I would be running into a person that I have hurt a lot in the past (and who, in turn, has hurt me a lot as well). Knowing myself well enough, I assumed to feel anger, hurt, betrayal, frustration - all the usual elements of my emotions towards this person. Instead, on seeing him, I felt a wave of compassion. My immediate wants were not there; I expected to see him and be angry - I expected to want to say horrible things (knowing this, I had prepared myself to combat those feelings and NOT say or do harmful things; it was never my intention). Instead, I felt a strong, overwhelming urge to hug him and to simply be next to him. It was a confusing moment and it left me feeling very strange.
The event where I was when I saw this man...it was a place special to him. I knew that if I stayed, I ran the risk of reverting to my old self that would cause harm (either to myself or him). This new feeling compelled me to move forward and away from his enjoyable experience. I spoke to him, wished him well, and declined an invitation to stay. I explained that it would be better for me to be alone and that I wanted him to enjoy his time with his friends without the complications that might arise from me being there. We hugged and I walked away.
Since then, I have felt a sense of serenity. I don't know what could possibly happen from this point and that doesn't really matter. I am existing in the moment and allowing myself to feel emotions without putting them aside, squishing them down, or ignoring them.
In our Western World, we are often told that our feelings are not valid - especially negative feelings. We are taught to "let it go" and "get over it." This is the core problem. We feel what we feel and to try to make things any different than what they are is a lie to ourselves. It is important to acknowledge what we are feeling, exactly when we are feeling it, and realize that it is only the moment that we feel it. It is not all-consuming. It is not defining. It simply is.
I left for home feeling satisfied that I didn't want anything. I felt well, knowing that I was just being in the moment. I felt self-assured that I was finally taking the time to be completely honest with myself and allowing myself to feel whatever it was that I was feeling.
I have no plans for the future, in an emotional sense. I am completely satisfied with just being in the moment. The "want" is gone - at least, today it is. And that is the first step - not pushing through today to get to tomorrow when tomorrow may be taken away from us. The future is always there - it's not going anywhere, but the moment is now and is not to be ignored. When you exist in the moment, I have learned, it seems as though the greed and desire for a better future is gone. The moment is beautiful, just as it is.
I have been studying a number of things lately, primarily Buddhism. What it is bringing to me is a sense of inner peace that I don't know I have ever seen within myself. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. That's the surprising part - a sort of thing like this, you expect it to take slow effect and to make its way in eventually.
Something happened this past weekend. I won't go into the details because the details are unimportant. I knew I would be running into a person that I have hurt a lot in the past (and who, in turn, has hurt me a lot as well). Knowing myself well enough, I assumed to feel anger, hurt, betrayal, frustration - all the usual elements of my emotions towards this person. Instead, on seeing him, I felt a wave of compassion. My immediate wants were not there; I expected to see him and be angry - I expected to want to say horrible things (knowing this, I had prepared myself to combat those feelings and NOT say or do harmful things; it was never my intention). Instead, I felt a strong, overwhelming urge to hug him and to simply be next to him. It was a confusing moment and it left me feeling very strange.
The event where I was when I saw this man...it was a place special to him. I knew that if I stayed, I ran the risk of reverting to my old self that would cause harm (either to myself or him). This new feeling compelled me to move forward and away from his enjoyable experience. I spoke to him, wished him well, and declined an invitation to stay. I explained that it would be better for me to be alone and that I wanted him to enjoy his time with his friends without the complications that might arise from me being there. We hugged and I walked away.
Since then, I have felt a sense of serenity. I don't know what could possibly happen from this point and that doesn't really matter. I am existing in the moment and allowing myself to feel emotions without putting them aside, squishing them down, or ignoring them.
In our Western World, we are often told that our feelings are not valid - especially negative feelings. We are taught to "let it go" and "get over it." This is the core problem. We feel what we feel and to try to make things any different than what they are is a lie to ourselves. It is important to acknowledge what we are feeling, exactly when we are feeling it, and realize that it is only the moment that we feel it. It is not all-consuming. It is not defining. It simply is.
I left for home feeling satisfied that I didn't want anything. I felt well, knowing that I was just being in the moment. I felt self-assured that I was finally taking the time to be completely honest with myself and allowing myself to feel whatever it was that I was feeling.
I have no plans for the future, in an emotional sense. I am completely satisfied with just being in the moment. The "want" is gone - at least, today it is. And that is the first step - not pushing through today to get to tomorrow when tomorrow may be taken away from us. The future is always there - it's not going anywhere, but the moment is now and is not to be ignored. When you exist in the moment, I have learned, it seems as though the greed and desire for a better future is gone. The moment is beautiful, just as it is.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
"It's okay...I'm a recovering Catholic..."
I've always liked that statement: it's okay; I'm a recovering Catholic. If you haven't heard that statement, it refers to the guilt that is inherent in Catholicism. As you may or may not know, guilt is a powerful weapon of control found in not only Catholicism, but in many religions.
A friend of mine was recently dealing with guilt and it got me to thinking. Personally, I often feel guilty, but through the work of cognitive behavioral therapy, I have been able to get rid of most of my guilty feelings. But then, CBT takes a lot of work and I'm not a therapist. I just want to take a few moments in my little blog here to explore what exactly guilt IS.
When we feel guilty, we feel we have let someone else down. What I have learned, however, is that it is mostly important to determine if we have let ourselves down. Awhile back, I had written about integrity and I think that's related. If you set a high standard for yourself and then you fail to meet that standard, guilt may be one of the feelings you have. That is a very core part of guilt; guilt is found with perfectionist type people; when a person like this doesn't do something perfectly, then they feel a total sense of failure and failure leads to feeling guilty.
But when the guilt relates to letting someone else down, it becomes tricky. If you have truly done something wrong towards that other person, then a certain amount of guilty is healthy to associate. But when your life revolves around the guilt that you feel, falsely, then you have a problem. The feelings of guilt are a message from the ethical portion of our brain; guilt will tell us to not do something again because it was wrong in some way. However, when we hyperfocus on the feeling of guilt itself rather than the message it is sending, we can drive ourselves nuts!
Depending on the action which you took that invoked feelings of guilt, the first step is to determine if there is a true reason to feel guilty; that is, what is the message? If you have harmed someone in some way for your own means, then yeah, you probably have a reason to feel guilty, you jerk! If you stole something from someone, or gossiped needlessly, and you feel guilty, then you probably should feel guilty. If you did something to improve your own life that perhaps didn't jive with someone else's life and they are upset, THIS is where you have to examine the guilt. Guilt on this level is usually irrational.
First of all, one person cannot be responsible for another person's feelings. I have learned this one the hard way. I have spent a large amount of energy trying to make other people happy. Especially trying to make those people who really don't care one way or another happy. While parts of me continue to try to make others happy, I am personally trying to redirect this in making people happy while I make MYSELF happy. So now, when I do something that might make someone else uncomfortable, I step back from the situation and question the message of guilt before it actually becomes guilt.
For example, at work yesterday, one of my coworkers asked me if I would run some things to the post office for her. She asked me to do this just fifteen minutes before I was done working and I had scheduled myself to pick my daughter up a few minutes after I was done with work. I told her that I was unable to run that errand today but that tomorrow I would have some flexibility. I felt guilty. I felt that I had done something bad. But then I stepped back from the situation and reminded myself that earlier in the morning, she had asked me when I was working until; I told her three. I also reminded myself that my daughter is more important than pleasing everyone at work. THEN I looked outside and though "I bet she doesn't want to go outside and get in her car because it's pouring out!" I THEN reminded myself that I had told her earlier in the day that I was leaving at three.
I rationalized that her poor planning is not my responsibility - that is to say "I am not responsible for her discomfort or emotions. Therefore, I had done nothing wrong.
Like I mentioned earlier, I do believe that a certain amount of guilt is necessary, but that we should use it as a message device from our ethics. It should not be a controlling agent. So, regardless of whether or not the guilt is justified, it is important to examine the why of the feeling and to disregard the actual basic feeling of guilt. We need to examine whether or not the guilt is justified, why it is, what (if needed) we can do to correct or prevent the situation from happening again and so on. Wallowing in guilt is absolutely unnecessary and useless.
This is one of the trickier emotions, I think, to overcome. But when we can get a handle on it through self-talk and whatnot, we can really reign our lives in and take more control of them. Self-talk is an excellent tool, not just for guilt, but for all emotions. Even the good ones!
A friend of mine was recently dealing with guilt and it got me to thinking. Personally, I often feel guilty, but through the work of cognitive behavioral therapy, I have been able to get rid of most of my guilty feelings. But then, CBT takes a lot of work and I'm not a therapist. I just want to take a few moments in my little blog here to explore what exactly guilt IS.
When we feel guilty, we feel we have let someone else down. What I have learned, however, is that it is mostly important to determine if we have let ourselves down. Awhile back, I had written about integrity and I think that's related. If you set a high standard for yourself and then you fail to meet that standard, guilt may be one of the feelings you have. That is a very core part of guilt; guilt is found with perfectionist type people; when a person like this doesn't do something perfectly, then they feel a total sense of failure and failure leads to feeling guilty.
But when the guilt relates to letting someone else down, it becomes tricky. If you have truly done something wrong towards that other person, then a certain amount of guilty is healthy to associate. But when your life revolves around the guilt that you feel, falsely, then you have a problem. The feelings of guilt are a message from the ethical portion of our brain; guilt will tell us to not do something again because it was wrong in some way. However, when we hyperfocus on the feeling of guilt itself rather than the message it is sending, we can drive ourselves nuts!
Depending on the action which you took that invoked feelings of guilt, the first step is to determine if there is a true reason to feel guilty; that is, what is the message? If you have harmed someone in some way for your own means, then yeah, you probably have a reason to feel guilty, you jerk! If you stole something from someone, or gossiped needlessly, and you feel guilty, then you probably should feel guilty. If you did something to improve your own life that perhaps didn't jive with someone else's life and they are upset, THIS is where you have to examine the guilt. Guilt on this level is usually irrational.
First of all, one person cannot be responsible for another person's feelings. I have learned this one the hard way. I have spent a large amount of energy trying to make other people happy. Especially trying to make those people who really don't care one way or another happy. While parts of me continue to try to make others happy, I am personally trying to redirect this in making people happy while I make MYSELF happy. So now, when I do something that might make someone else uncomfortable, I step back from the situation and question the message of guilt before it actually becomes guilt.
For example, at work yesterday, one of my coworkers asked me if I would run some things to the post office for her. She asked me to do this just fifteen minutes before I was done working and I had scheduled myself to pick my daughter up a few minutes after I was done with work. I told her that I was unable to run that errand today but that tomorrow I would have some flexibility. I felt guilty. I felt that I had done something bad. But then I stepped back from the situation and reminded myself that earlier in the morning, she had asked me when I was working until; I told her three. I also reminded myself that my daughter is more important than pleasing everyone at work. THEN I looked outside and though "I bet she doesn't want to go outside and get in her car because it's pouring out!" I THEN reminded myself that I had told her earlier in the day that I was leaving at three.
I rationalized that her poor planning is not my responsibility - that is to say "I am not responsible for her discomfort or emotions. Therefore, I had done nothing wrong.
Like I mentioned earlier, I do believe that a certain amount of guilt is necessary, but that we should use it as a message device from our ethics. It should not be a controlling agent. So, regardless of whether or not the guilt is justified, it is important to examine the why of the feeling and to disregard the actual basic feeling of guilt. We need to examine whether or not the guilt is justified, why it is, what (if needed) we can do to correct or prevent the situation from happening again and so on. Wallowing in guilt is absolutely unnecessary and useless.
This is one of the trickier emotions, I think, to overcome. But when we can get a handle on it through self-talk and whatnot, we can really reign our lives in and take more control of them. Self-talk is an excellent tool, not just for guilt, but for all emotions. Even the good ones!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Enemies!
The other day, while on a walk, I saw my enemy. My throat began to burn a little bit, my stomach did some flips, and I felt anger well up inside me. This isn't much different than when I have a crush on someone.
Anyway, as I walked away, without incident (not that I thought there would be an incident), I felt slightly enlightened. I recently read an article our reactions to people and situations. Of course I had always been aware of the simple fact that we are, indeed, in charge of our emotions and that how feel feel towards people is of our own doing.
I wondered for a moment if she had felt the same way about me - the slight anxiety about the possible confrontation with each other. Since there was zero confrontation, I'm assuming that she either wanted to avoid me as much as I wanted to avoid her or perhaps we're on different pages of thinking when it comes to "enemies."
And that brings up the whole idea behind this post. It could very well be that this is a one-sided enemy situation. I could be the one who just thinks of her as an enemy and perhaps she doesn't think of me as an enemy. If she doesn't think of me as an enemy, then is she an enemy at all? Am I just hanging on to these negative emotions based on passed events - really - for no reason?
Those are the core thoughts. If the cause of the problem is far in the past, then why do I hang on to it? This is entirely within my control, after all. Grudges, jealousy, anger, hurt - as well as happiness, satisfaction, delight, humor - are all emotions that we are entirely in control of. Well, we can be once we learn how to take control of them. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last, to point out that you yourself is entirely in control of your emotions. But then, that's easier said than done.
When there is insecurity, there is a distinct possibility that our emotions rule us. Especially if you're like me, someone who is constantly looking for validation from outside sources rather than myself. (I'm working on that). When you feel things such as jealousy and anger, those emotions stem from feelings of fear and insecurity. But what is there really to feel insecure about?
In a very simplistic way of looking at things, after walking away from her, I realized that she's my enemy, but that's because I'm keeping her my enemy. It doesn't mean I have to be her best friend, but it certainly doesn't mean that I have to feel uncomfortable and irritated when I see her. Those feelings are entirely derived on memories of feeling shafted in the past - which may or may not have been the case - but I'm entirely responsible for hanging on to that negativity and letting it control the situation when I see her.
Fortunately, while nothing is an overnight fix, realizing this and spending time reflecting on it, is helping me to let it go. I don't want enemies at all. I don't want to feel uncomfortable in the presence of anyone. I don't want to go through the motions of avoiding someone. And so....I won't!
Anyway, as I walked away, without incident (not that I thought there would be an incident), I felt slightly enlightened. I recently read an article our reactions to people and situations. Of course I had always been aware of the simple fact that we are, indeed, in charge of our emotions and that how feel feel towards people is of our own doing.
I wondered for a moment if she had felt the same way about me - the slight anxiety about the possible confrontation with each other. Since there was zero confrontation, I'm assuming that she either wanted to avoid me as much as I wanted to avoid her or perhaps we're on different pages of thinking when it comes to "enemies."
And that brings up the whole idea behind this post. It could very well be that this is a one-sided enemy situation. I could be the one who just thinks of her as an enemy and perhaps she doesn't think of me as an enemy. If she doesn't think of me as an enemy, then is she an enemy at all? Am I just hanging on to these negative emotions based on passed events - really - for no reason?
Those are the core thoughts. If the cause of the problem is far in the past, then why do I hang on to it? This is entirely within my control, after all. Grudges, jealousy, anger, hurt - as well as happiness, satisfaction, delight, humor - are all emotions that we are entirely in control of. Well, we can be once we learn how to take control of them. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last, to point out that you yourself is entirely in control of your emotions. But then, that's easier said than done.
When there is insecurity, there is a distinct possibility that our emotions rule us. Especially if you're like me, someone who is constantly looking for validation from outside sources rather than myself. (I'm working on that). When you feel things such as jealousy and anger, those emotions stem from feelings of fear and insecurity. But what is there really to feel insecure about?
In a very simplistic way of looking at things, after walking away from her, I realized that she's my enemy, but that's because I'm keeping her my enemy. It doesn't mean I have to be her best friend, but it certainly doesn't mean that I have to feel uncomfortable and irritated when I see her. Those feelings are entirely derived on memories of feeling shafted in the past - which may or may not have been the case - but I'm entirely responsible for hanging on to that negativity and letting it control the situation when I see her.
Fortunately, while nothing is an overnight fix, realizing this and spending time reflecting on it, is helping me to let it go. I don't want enemies at all. I don't want to feel uncomfortable in the presence of anyone. I don't want to go through the motions of avoiding someone. And so....I won't!
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