Solstice

The Solstice holiday is just a day away and to me this marks the beginning of the dawn into the new year. I say this because after Solstice, the days begin to get lighter and longer and there seems to be a feeling of growth and renewal.

I've wrapped up my semester; it's been a difficult journey - this semester. But I survived and I kicked some ass while I did it. I am proud of my grades, of my academic relationships, and I am still in love with the program I chose so hesitantly. I look back at when I was contemplating this program and all of the various comments from people about whether or not I should do this. Well, I can say, with utmost confidence, that I have gone into the correct field for me. And yes, law school is in my future. FUTURE.

The majority of my blog entries focus on moving forward and dealing with various issues. But with the year wrapping up, I can't help but reflect on this past year. I don't know what I can offer you but I do want to share that this has been the most powerful year of my life. It has changed me for the better and I have finally found my feet to stand on and be proud of who I am.

A year or two ago, you could not compare me to who I am today; we are two different people. It's almost like my true self became awakened and I can see reality in a brighter light. My own personal struggles with depression remain, but with an entirely new attitude; it's like being on a train going through a tunnel - it's dark and blah for the time being but you automatically know that it doesn't last forever. And so even in my darkest moments, the glimmer of hope shines through, reminding me that it's only temporary.

A year or two ago, I was a squashed up wall flower type; I merely wanted to please anyone whom I could please. I still enjoy making people happy but there is a new genuineness to it. I am also very interested in pleasing myself; waking up to my true self has taught me that I am as important as anyone else on this planet and deserve my own respect. It's easy enough to know and say that but until you actually feel it, this kind of thorough self-love, it evades you as something wanting. But if you have faith that you deserve your own love, it will come to you. Maybe you already know this as well, but when you feel that incredible self-love, you also somehow amp up the quality of love you have for others.


I hope that you, readers, have enjoyed my blog entries this past year and I hope that some of my reflections have assisted you in your own personal growth. I know that sharing some of my thoughts has helped me out, personally, and I hope that the New Year will bring on new spiritual and emotional challenges which will ultimately bring me to a new height of self-love and awareness.

Peace to you all and I hope the Solstice brings you a happy new dawn and a merry Christmas!

Depression

Depression is one of the worst situations a person can find themselves in. It's silent...it can creep up on you and you don't realize you're in the throes of a depression until that morning when you just can't get out of bed...or a coworker says something and you just can handle it...depression.

I make no bones about my own battles with this horrible disease. In fact, the last few weeks I've been stuck in my own glut of depression and I feel like I'm trying to claw my way up and out of it and I'm finding very little relief. Normally I don't write about stuff that is this personal, but I feel it is important and relevant.

I don't believe there is a single person who doesn't experience some kind of depression at least once in their lives. Most people handle it just fine and get through it. There are plenty of resources out there but what do you do when you're a person, like myself, who is constantly battling cycles of depression?

There isn't much, except to just get through each day as it comes at you and hold on to hope that eventually it will get better.

I feel often, when things get like this, that I'm literally fighting form my life. And what sucks about this is if I had a bloody gunshot wound or was battling cancer or something, people would jump up to help me; however, I have to keep silent about it. I mean, I don't have to, but I do because I feel the thing that many feel - embarrassed, ashamed, foolish, whiny, etc. I want to tell people that I feel awful and the only thing that would really help right now (aside from chocolate) is a big hug and someone to just sit there and commiserate with me. But I don't do that, personally, because I don't want to bring others down. And most are shocked when I tell them that I'm depressed - "I had no idea; you seem so normal." Well, I hide it well as do most depressives.

So how do you get through it...again...and again...and again...well, personally, I focus on my daughter. I focus on her and how I can be a better mom and how I have to be a better mom for her. I have also explained to her that when the depression hits, that I'm "sick" - I don't want her to be confused or think that it's her fault.

Secondly, I do not try to supplement my feelings with superficial fulfillment; I do not splurge on clothes I think will make me feel better. I do not engage in activities that can ultimately be harmful. I do not drink (I honestly don't recall the last time I had a drink! I think I might have had a beer at the beginning of October...but don't hold me to that). I instead have incorporated light therapy into my morning schedule. I have also (with the assistance of friends) researched supplements that can help (namely fish oil, vitamin B12 and magnesium). I also force myself to work out even though I really, really don't want to. But I know that when I get to about three minutes into my workout, I'm off and I feel good. I've also made drastic changes in my diet, returning to veganism.

But the most important thing I have incorporated into my life is the fact that I know things suck right now but they will get better. This will not last forever. It will happen again, yes, but I have the strength to get through it. This is the most important thing to remember in trying to get through this.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
     -Emily Dickinson

This poem came to me while watching "A Wrinkle in Time" with my daughter; I liked a quote and when I looked it up it turned out to be an Emily Dickinson poem. Love!

I also love a particular song that I just came across a few days ago. To me, it's like that big hug that I so desperately need:

If you have depression issues, don't think you are alone; you are not. Remember that many around you are depressed for whatever reason - and we all struggle with it at some point in time. If you need, you can email me (not that I'm an expert or anything). Don't be ashamed.

Practice

I'm about to state the obvious, but I think it's important. At least, it's important to me.

I feel as though I have filled up my emotional tool box and I have everything I (think I) need to really move forward in life. In fact, I haven't felt this good in a long time, if ever. I finally feel as though I'm living my life by my terms and enjoying it.

What I think is important, however, is to take a mindful approach to problems and to practice holding back your emotional output. I think that this is a personality thing; some people don't get ruffled - I do. This is an area I have to practice. While I know that no one purposely tries to upset me, I still get upset! I don't like feeling upset, but it happens. The mindful approach is to breathe deeply and realize that the anger (or whatever emotion I'm feeling) doesn't come from them, but it comes from how I allow myself to react.

I'm far from perfect. No one is perfect, duh. But simply being aware of this helps me keep things in perspective. I had some unfortunate encounters last week and I am not proud of how I reacted.

How I reacted was part of this insane thought that I would get something from someone. I won't - people cannot perform the way we want them to. In hindsight, if I had thought of that, then I wouldn't have gotten so upset. I'm not going to beat myself up over this incident, but the hindsight is important -- knowing that my desire to "get something" from this person was flawed in so many ways and knowing that I need to absorb the emotional reaction before actually reacting...helps. I feel empowered for when this encounter happens again (because it will).

Taking the time to understand all this emotional stuff has been so helpful. I feel as though patience is growing within me...that the care and concern and awareness I have towards my own emotional well-being is developing...and I feel as though the relationships I have with people, however few, are becoming stronger and more intimate. I like all of these things.

It is good to reflect on this stuff...but it's even more important to take a practice approach. How can one talk about all this and not practice it? Time to put my stuff into practice....

I've been excited about an epiphany I had several weeks ago. I've been wanting to write it in this blog, but I've had a difficult time figuring out exactly how to write what I'm feeling and what I've discovered. I'll give it a whirl and see if I am able to communicate my theories.

I have always struggled with my desire to receive validation from others, especially men. I'll admit it - it's a problem. I have held myself to perceived expectations from others and it has hurt me many times to see that even when I believe I have achieved these self-imposed expectations, I do not get the "reaction" from the other person that I somehow feel I am entitled to. So I walk away, with my ego feeling bruised.

In the last year, I have learned to recognize when I am reaching for external sources of validation. Instead, I have looked to myself for validation. Are my grades good enough for me? Do I look good enough according to my own standards? Am I a good enough mom according to what I feel? This worked for awhile but then I realized that I had expectations that I could not reach every time. I felt like a failure again.

I started to examine this, especially before and after meditation. I pondered why I was feeling like a failure in nearly all aspects of my life, even though I know full well that I am not. How can I rid myself of feeling miserable?

Two terms came up; validation and expectations. These are two very harmful terms if not used properly. They go hand-in-hand; if you expect validation, it is based on achieving some kind of expectation - the recognition of success in some form or another.

There are external expectations - things you're supposed to do at work, how you are supposed to behave in public; you work hard and get that promotion and raise...you help an elderly person cross the street and feel good as he or she thanks you...those are normal forms of validation for your expectation.

Then there are internal expectations - these can be harmful. Western psychology has taught us to "self-talk" ourselves into feeling good. That sometimes works and sometimes it works well for some people. You know the "I'm smart enough, I'm good enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!" type of talk. I have discovered that when you stand in front of the mirror and try to tell yourself you look good, you are setting an expectation of yourself to say that you look good - and you know, maybe you don't look good! Maybe you drank too much the night before or you're sick or something and you just do not feel that you look good. If you try to tell yourself that you look good when you don't, you're setting up an expectation to feel a way that you cannot and therefore, you have failed yourself. You walk away feeling even worse than you look!

I proposed to remove all feelings of expectations and all forms of validation. When those feelings of expectations are removed from every fiber of your soul, you can find peace. I developed a physical exercise to help visual this.

Stand up with your hands raised over your head, fingertips touching. Feel the pressure outside of your arm-circle...imagine those are the expectations of external sources - parents, employers, teachers, etc...then visualize the space inside your arms as the "reactions" to those expectations...feelings of accomplishment AND failure. You can feel the pull of gravity after awhile...and you realize you cannot take on the responsibility of those external expectations for too long or else your arms will ache and you will collapse.
Next place your hands on your head. The same weight on your arms...visualize that those are your own expectations - the self-talk stuff; and the smaller space in your arms still hold the feelings...personal feelings of failure and accomplishment. There is less space to feel negativity, but there still is space. And since your head is supporting the weight of your arms, you can hold this longer. You will still tire after awhile and you'll have to bring your arms down, succumbing to gravity.
Lastly, bring your arms down and hug yourself. Yes, I know this sounds kind of cheesy. When you hug yourself, you can hold onto yourself indefinitely. You have removed the pressures of expectations and validation. You have eliminated the space within yourself to feel good or bad about what you may or may not have done. Those emotions are, figuratively speaking, empty. You have reached your true self...you have reached peace..your emotions are calm and you can recognize the most basic needs. You are able to acknowledge that you feel something and it's based on nothing except the moment.

It's almost a feeling of nirvana. It is wonderful. It is wonderful because it is nothing. And the nothing is everything. Your needs become primary and they have nothing attached to them. They are simply needs that need to be met...there is no failure and no accomplishment.


My friend, I hope you can experience this at sometime in your life. It is a beautiful feeling. Emotional stress is all gone...and you just are. Good luck.

Ego

This blog has been developing in my brain space for awhile now. It has taken more time than usual to put this one together and I do not intend on taking this blog as lightly as I have in the past.

I struggle with my own brand of emotional masochism. I am not unique in this sense; everyone has self doubts and for a great majority of people we question those doubts about ourselves until we forget who we are. I have to state though, that this isn't all encompassing in our lives; some areas we feel solid about and other areas we question over and over again. For most, a healthy dose of questioning and self doubt leads us to find the esteem we need to do whatever it is we are doing. For instance, I was speaking with a friend of mine the other day about her new job. She insinuated that there was some self doubt going on but not necessarily about her job; just life in general. I advised her that if she continues on to do the job she was hired to do because they know she can do it, she will build that confidence which will bleed into other areas of her life that may be manifesting the self doubt she has about her job. The confidence will come in time.

In working on this blog, I discovered something very simple yet very important. I have discovered the relevance of ego in our journey to build self confidence. Maybe I'm the only idiot who wasn't aware of this until just now, but it seems to be a bit of a breakthrough.

Ego is the thing we seek to have validated -- it is the part of us which is most fragile and seemingly most important. That is because we depend on outside sources to feed and validate our ego rather than looking inward and seeking the validity of our true self. When the ego isn't validated, we lose our confidence.

I theorize that in adult life the ego is something that should not be controlling. However, in childhood, ego is very important. We are unsure of who we are on a day to day basis. We don't know our personalities, we don't know our strengths and weaknesses and so we look to those who are the most influential in our lives to help us discover who we are. In this sense, we are feeding the ego; the ego's growth is dependent on validation from external sources.

If we are told, as children, that we are loved regardless of what we do...if we are encouraged to explore and expand our horizons, to receive support in building relationships with our peers, and given the freedom to fail and still be loved for our failings, then the ego, I theorize, will morph into a healthy and self assured young adult.

In our adulthood, we are bombarded with what we should and should not be like and the challenge to be okay in our own skins in spite of the social pressures can be unforgiving some days. Too fat, too ugly, not smart enough, job isn't good enough, bad spouse, no kids, too many kids, and so on. If we do not have self-assurance, we can question every tiny detail of every day causing the most painful anxiety and stress which is completely unnecessary. If we are raised in an environment of love, acceptance, understanding, flexible boundaries, and an appreciation of our weaknesses as well as our strengths, we can carry this with us into adulthood and mostly stand up to the pressures.

If our childhood is tainted with conditional love, unusually high expectations, being ignored or invalidated, then we will continue to seek outside resources to validate who we are. Being validated by our parents (or parental figures) is part of receiving love as a child. When this is absent, then the idea of love is absent and as an adult, we have perhaps, dysfunctional views on love and acceptance.

So this is back to ego. I theorize that ego is, under the best circumstances, limited to childhood and should fade away with the onset of adulthood. Because it is so fragile and dependent on external sources, it is not something that should be permanent. Nothing that is fragile like this should be permanent or influential.

Now then, for those of us, the vast majority, who weren't raised in the ideal way, will have trouble accepting that external sources do not have to make us who we are. We see these artificial people all the time! And sometimes in the most deceiving of ways! A high powered attorney, successful in every way, may be suffering from the worst ego...so on the surface the attorney may be clever, intelligent, powerful and so on, but it is all fragile and it is all prone to collapse given the right destruction of validation. Take on the other hand, a flashy celebrity born with a silver spoon (golden?) in their mouth. They may give all the appearance of one being entirely dependent on the paparazzi to relay who they are to the world. But in all actuality, perhaps they face those cameras and gossip rags because they don't feel as though they have a thing in the world to lose...perhaps they wear the glitz because they like to. So on. I think you get the idea. The true self shows itself in the most interesting of ways.

So the true self - what IS the true self? The true self is empty, free of all worries and concerns, lacking in concerns of projecting an acceptable image. The true self, true beauty, is unaware of itself.

I have been measuring a lot lately, as I have been attempting to build myself up from inside rather than seeking outside validation. Outside validation is easy - "hey, do you think I'm smart?" What friend of yourself is going to say no? "Do you think I'm pretty?" Any boyfriend/spouse with a knack of common sense will say yes. But can you ask yourself if you are smart enough....for yourself? Are you pretty enough....for yourself? And do these things matter...do these things make you compete against yourself? And then, for what? To stroke your ego? Or can you seek satisfaction in who you are, exactly as you are right now?

Working towards improving yourself is perfectly acceptable. But to do so at the expense of yourself, your sanity, the care and support and love you give others...that is you giving into ego.

No one is perfect; we can only accept our downfalls and work towards having a fulfilling life which expands beyond our egos limitations and works in many, many colorful and productive directions. We can break the ego and shatter it...it is merely fragile and since it depends on reinforcement from others, my personal simple task is to stop seeking reinforcement from others, thereby limiting the influence of the ego which can and will harm my self-confidence.

Reminiscing

Reminiscing. I did some of that this weekend.

I love cleaning and discovering things from the past; old letters, photos, etc. I like to reread them and remember that even on my darkest days when I'm putting out phone calls and reaching out because the loneliness is overwhelming, I am not alone and that I am loved.

My mother recently brought me a box of mine that I had started in high school; it contained my various high school dance corsages, notes I thought were important (you know, those notes we passed to each other in the hallways...from friends and boyfriends - you Andrew, I saved your notes!) and fortunately I found a note from my grandfather. That especially struck a chord with me. The summer he had passed away, I had the opportunity to visit him while he was ill down in Arkansas; I didn't go - I was "too busy." He died before I had a chance to go. I will always regret that choice and now I make it a priority to visit ill relatives. I realize I should spend more time with them while they're healthy, but we all have our lives and some days they are just too insane to think much further outside of our own little system.

I like looking around my office and seeing various items like my college graduation honor chords...and I found my actual diploma! Going on this reminiscing thing, I decided to clean out my CD collection. The majority of my music is on my itunes but I refuse to get rid of some of my CDs. Some of them are genuine collector's items (like my Archers of Loaf albums - I couldn't find one of them on ebay, so we know it's legit, right?) I also found all of my Modest Mouse CDs. I had stopped listening to them awhile ago because I was disappointed at the turn they took; in my opinion, they had sold out. Regardless of whether or not they had (and everyone has a right to do what they believe is best for themselves or in this case, for their band), the albums I have are freakin' ridiculously awesome and I have been enjoying listening to them.

I also went browsing with my friend on Saturday and she found a Rod Stewart album which was particularly important in high school - I remember numerous basement dance parties in which we'd alternate with "If You Think I'm Sexy" with various Modest Mouse music, Jets to Brazil, etc. So it was an incredible walk down memory lane this weekend - it was pretty great!

What I am reflecting on the most, though, is the way people change. This includes my own change. But mostly I have been reflecting at how friends of mine and I were and how we are now. Some have changed and others have not. Some have done some amazing things with their lives and some are, well...no comment. And of course, this is all opinion.

What I think is important to note here, is that regardless of the oh-so-accurate measuring stick of Tessa, regardless of what I think is "success", if people in my life are happy doing whatever they are doing, then, in my opinion, they are successful.

Sometimes I look at my life and all I can see are the flaws. But then I reflect on my past and I see that, you know, I'm doing okay. My life is a-okay. Sometimes, though, I'd give anything to be back in that living room in Milwaukee, hanging with friends, being ridiculous and acting like idiots.

For a long time, I have thought that indulging myself in my history and enjoying the things I enjoyed way-back-in-the-day was a sign of immaturity and so therefore, I couldn't allow it. Well, after a weekend of some deep contemplation, I have realized that, just like everything, it is perfectly okay to act like an idiot, even here, in my 30th year of life, as long as the responsibilities of adult life have been met.

I don't know the exact message I am trying to get across in this particular blog. I guess I have just been spending time considering how to enjoy life a little more. How to laugh more, how to have more fun, how to stop being so annoyed at nearly everything...maybe acting like that 20 year old girl a little more every once in awhile isn't such a horrible thing!

Death

Ahhh the ever unapproachable subject!  Death!  I personally have no problem with this topic and in fact, I enjoy discussion the various philosophies relating to death and whatnot.  I suppose this stems from working in funeral service for a collective three years.  In fact, I'd still be working in funeral service had it not been for the crazy hours and the enormous amount of schooling I'd have to complete.  It's actually how I got into law; I was preparing for mortuary school and I had to take a business law class.  I absolutely fell in love with law!  And now, between my studies and working at a law firm, I love it!  I am right where I need to be! 

But back to the subject at hand.  I bring up this topic because I think it is very relevant in learning how to appreciate and enjoy life to its fullest. 

Awhile ago, while suffering a serious bout of depression, as I'm apt to do, I made an agreement with myself regarding how I was going to live my life.  After I made the agreement, my entire perspective on life changed.  I don't want to go into the details of that agreement, as it's very personal, but when it boils down to it, I agreed to face my death and to embrace it. 

Since then, knowing that the end will come someday, my entire perspective has changed.  I feel like, now, more than ever, I am able to live fully, inside each day, without any reservation.  When I gave myself permission to understand that I will die someday and that while it's not only inevitable, it's perfectly okay.  I have accepted my death. 

In our society, I think a lot of us ignore death, avoid it, try to figure out how to escape it, etc.  I personally think that's why we still embalm the deceased and put them on display; to show they aren't dead but that they are "sleeping."  "Oh look, Grandma looks so peaceful, like she's sleeping."  Well, listen up - she's not sleeping.  You've got a corpse there and without dangerous embalming practices which inflict risk upon the funeral director embalming the deceased, you'd have a health hazard if "left" too long. 

This desire to avoid/ignore death comes from our mostly Christian society (and other religious groups who have higher powers) which explains life in linear terms.  You are born, you live, and then, The End, you die.  (And go to heaven or hell, depending).  In most cases, The End of something is related to negative feelings (although The End of this semester couldn't come fast enough for me...holy buckets!) and therefore, we try to avoid The End.  When we close our eyes to something, we can't see it and like a child, if we can't see it, then it's not there, right? 

I theorize that when you open your eyes to death as a permanent and unavoidable event in your life, you open your eyes up to other things.  You open your eyes and mind to a more rich and fulfilling life.  When death loses its taboo status, a person gains the control of a beautiful life.  The richness of relationships grows, the appreciation of your job and how you conduct yourself, the appreciation of the things like you like and love becomes more important.  Death loses it's control...as you gain your happiness.

A Choice

A few days ago, something very unfortunate happened.  I was put into a situation that, by no fault of my own, violated my HIPAA rights.  I am not going to get into the details of it and I'm certainly not going to go into details about what happened.

The issue of this blog is that I had a choice to make.  Because of the HIPAA violation this person inflicted on me, by pure human error, I could in essence, have him lose his job.  I thought long and hard about whether or not to file a claim with HIPAA folk, but after a long talk with him, I am sure that something like this will never happen again.  I'm sure his mistake has him rattled to the core and not just because I sternly expressed my opinion.  No, rather, human mistakes...human errors...need to happen so that we can make improvements in our lives.

I have decided that the error is not going to ruin anyone's life and so who am I to potentially ruin someone else's life?  Do I trust him fully anymore?  Nah, not really.  Do I think he has the potential to regain that trust?  Yes, absolutely.  Plus there's always the concept of perpetuating negativity; if I reported him, then here we go, into an investigation and stress and cost and whatever...and for what?  To prove something we know?  That he simply made a mistake?  No, that is not an example of living life fully and with forgiveness, compassion, and constant learning.

It has happened and it is gone.  It is time to show more compassion and forgiveness in this world.

Crazy, Dirty Boys

Yesterday I was having a conversation with someone regarding the current dating pool in the western Wisconsin area.  I shared a recent "bad dating" experience and she shared hers.  Our comparison of the two dates spurred the desire to write this blog. 

She dated a crazy guy; I dated a dirty guy.  So, of the two, (which seem to be the only available men out there right now), which would you choose?  The guy lacking hygiene or the guy who is off his rocker? 

I should probably explain a little bit.  It will help you make your decision. 

The gentleman I had gone on a date with wasn't, you know, Pig-pen dirty.  There was no halo of bugs floating around him and while I didn't care for the smell of his soap, there was the smell of soap present, so that's a win.  What I didn't care for was the slightly stained t-shirt and when he brought me to his house, it was filthy.  I knew going in that he'd been remodeling, but it was filthy.  Beyond the usual dust and clutter from home remodeling.  I won't say much more than that...but needless to say, I didn't want to touch anything (let alone him) or sit down.

So while having my usual morning coffee at a local coffee joint, I got into a discussion regarding the aforementioned "dirty guy."  The woman said "well, at least he wasn't crazy!  I dated a guy who was crazy and didn't take any meds for it...really!" 

I need to make a sidenote here.  Given the fact that I am *technically* crazy, I can understand where this dude is coming from.  I will say, however, that everyone has a responsibility to take care of themselves.  If you didn't know me, you wouldn't know that I am *crazy* as I take care of my mental health quite well.  Moving on....

She explained that he was bipolar and he didn't take any meds due to his lack of insurance.  He'd call her and say things like "I'm gonna kill myself if you leave me..." and whatnot, therefore making his problems her responsibility.  Who knows what else he was doing! 

So that leaves the question - if you HAD to choose between the two, the dirty guy or the crazy guy, which would you choose?  I'd really like to know. I know which one I'd choose but I'll save that decision and theory for after I perhaps get some feedback....so tell me...

Dirty or Crazy?

A Revisit

I think I have discussed the whole idea of self esteem in the past but a few interesting things have happened over the past few weeks that I feel important and relevant to my personal growth and self acceptance and whatnot. 

I have, for quite some time, been told that my expectations of other people are "too high."  You know, they might be.  But when I reflect on what I think is appropriate, what I want, and how I want to live life, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be allowed to think and feel the way I do.  When I am asked to lower my expectations, I see what happens - what the new expectation is - and I do not like the results.  I feel as though I am not being respected; that what is important to me isn't important at all or perhaps that it's not worthy.

Through this all, though, I have learned that my expectations are not too high but that I have expected too much from the wrong people.  I have also learned that my life is good and worthy and excellent and I should enjoy it exactly the way it is.  I should be proud of the things I have accomplished and the direction I am headed; my expectations are not too high, they never have been, but the secret to this mystery is that I haven't, until now, had the confidence to stand by what I believe in.

The whole idea of a "high expectation" is clearly displayed in my dating life.  I have had the opportunity to go out with several seemingly decent guys.  They have good jobs, they own their homes, are educated, etc.  But when it comes down to it, there are telling signs that I am simply not comfortable with.  Example: the other night, I had a date.  I knew that we were going on a dinner cruise on the Mississippi.  I asked specifically what kind of dress was expected; I was told that it wasn't anything more formal.  I explained to the gentleman what I would be wearing; a nice shirt or sweater and some nice jeans and whatnot.  For the date, I wore a cozy black sweater, did my hair up nicely, makeup, etc.  I looked nice.  I felt good.  I did NOT feel good when my date showed up in a slightly stained tshirt and ill-fitting jeans.  I did NOT feel god when my date belched.  And there were other things. 

I asked myself if I was being shallow and the more I thought about it the more I realized that no, in fact, I am not being shallow.  If this guy feels that this is appropriate attire for one of the first dates, during the phase where we're still trying to impress each other, etc, I do not want to know what the future holds.  In relationships, we always put our best foot forward for the first couple of months; we're still trying to sell the deal, right?  I don't want to feel like I am the type of girl who would go for someone with that kind of standard for himself.  Is that his best foot forward?  No thanks!

I have worked hard on my self esteem and what I do and don't deserve and I deserve to be with a gentleman who is as excited to be involved with me and therefore motivated to put his best foot forward, as do I, during the early courtship phase of a relationship.  I also feel as though the man I'll end up with will have excellent self esteem where he feels it necessary to dress appropriately for things like dinner cruises and will hide his belches and whatnots.  This man will take pride in his life in all aspects and that will reflect in his smile, his appearance, his conversation. 

Perhaps my expectations are too high for a lot of people.  But I'd rather adhere to my personal doctrine and be alone than to settle for someone who thinks poorly of himself, thinks poorly of me, doesn't feel the need to make an effort and so on.  I have spent enough time in my young life with people who have poor self-esteem in some way or another and I think that I have settled for this in the past because of my own personal lack of self esteem.  But this is not the case anymore.  I genuinely enjoy my own company.  And I am attractive, smart as a tack (well, I have my moments - ha!), and I'm all the things that I'll allow myself to be - and THAT is hot. 

Autumn and Change

While we're still technically in summer, the weather makes it feel like autumn.  And really, here in Western, slightly north-Western, Wisconsin, we really exist primarily in the winter.  So the summers are short and fall comes quickly.  This is something I truly do not mind; I love fall - it's my favorite season.

I haven't written much lately because well, there has been a lot of change in my life.  Some of it interesting, some bad...but mostly good.  I personally feel as though a veil of fog has been lifting from my eyes and the true colors of people are coming forth.  Both good and bad.

A lot of people are terrified of change...or at the least, very hesitant.  I don't think it's fair to make blanket statements about whether or not I fear change; it definitely depends on the situation.  But this change that is occurring, unintentionally, is the type of change that I can fearlessly embrace. 

I suppose you're wondering "what the hell is she talking about?"  It's an internal change.  There is an acknowledgment of my self-worth that I don't know if I have ever experienced before.  I don't know where this is coming from, but it's good.  I contemplate the why of it and I think it's multiple reasons:
-I love my job.  I don't know if I can say this about jobs I've had in the past, but I love my job.  While I have never been fired, I get bored easily at jobs and often quit before I hit the six month mark.  I'm approaching 1 year at my current job and I am still not bored.  This is an excellent turn of events.  I should also note that some projects I've had at work have lead to some serious confidence-boosting situations; I am able to take great pride in what I do and I have had other people recognize my success!  Great combination!
-I have stopped worrying so much about how others perceive me.  I have begun to take more pride on my personal style and I have quit presenting myself in terms of how I should be according to other people
-Speaking of other people, I have begun to develop the ability to recognize a person's opinion about something I'm doing with my life, consider it, and either dismiss it or accept it, depending on the situation.  This is important because normally I am a people pleaser, even if it hurts me.  But, as vain as it may sound, I'm worried about making 1) myself happy and 2) my daughter happy.  Beyond that, the idea of making other people happy is an impossible task.  You can never ever make everyone happy all the time and it's exhausting to even try.  So the ability to remove myself from this self-imposed responsibility is a major accomplishment.
-This summer I found out that I made the honor roll at my school.  I didn't try that hard - and now I'm able to accept that indeed, I do have a brain in that box attached to my neck.

There are many other little things that have happened this summer, but what it boils down to is the fact that I have been working on my confidence and finally, finally(!) I see myself as what I am - a smart, capable, independent, witty, beautiful woman.  I didn't get to this point because other people built me, but because I built myself.  I only hope that other people I love can see the beauty within themselves and begin their own personal growth...to begin to blossom on their own terms. 

I need to write here more.  I shall do this.  Especially now that the whole lawn-mowing thing isn't so prevalent.

Taking on the World!

It's been far too long since I've last posted.  And I can see what a difference in my life NOT posting does. 

When I choose a topic to write about, I usually let it sit inside my brain for awhile before I write about it.  But today, that's just not the case.  Today has been the culmination of many things that boil down to a simple concept; taking on the world. 

When I say this, I don't mean anything like "lets take on the world and kick some ass!"  I mean...taking on the world as in immersing yourself in the worlds problems and then new personal problems come about. 

Much has been going on for me in my work life and personal life and I have wondered why I have been especially stressed out lately.  It dawned on me as I was roasting up my coffee for tomorrow that I have been feeling stressed out and whatnot because I have been getting myself involved in problems where I simply don't need to be.  So, with that noted, its time to shed some "junk."  Get back to my reality.  Get involved in solving my own problems. 

It doesn't mean that those problems are any less valued than my own -- it's just that it's not my place to become part of the problem.  It's important to hold an objective, outside opinion about anything that doesn't directly effect you.  My cousin gave me a metaphor that I have recently neglected to pay attention to: everyone has a hoola hoop around them and you can only take care of the issues and things going on inside your own personal hoola hoop.  You're not responsible for other people's hoops!  Even now, as I recall this, I can feel the muscles in my back relaxing and maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day.

It's important to give value to other people's problems - don't negate them.  But it doesn't mean that it has to become your problem as well.  Sometimes it's enough to simply be an ear for someone who is dealing with something a little bit more than what they want to handle.  And we often times need an ear to listen to us in dealing with our own issues.  It's give and take.  But it's not perfect - it's a tricky balance, that is, the line between being a supportive listener to becoming involved.

I know that for myself, at least, if I remain involved in the moment, dealing with my own issues as they arise, in a well thought out process, then my stress level remains low.  If I let those problems spin out of control and I begin to take on other problems that aren't mine, the stress level increases dramatically.

So, in simple terms, listen and learn but don't partake.  And don't expect others to partake in your problems either.  You don't solve much by expecting others to solve things for you.  We are individuals in a community and our individuality needs to be respected, most of all by ourselves. 

Friends!

Since I have been going through an interesting transitional period in my life, encompassing many sects of my life, I get into modes where I am examining these various aspects.  This includes (but is not limited to, as I am still opening my eyes to the many parts of me that I don't know yet or am just getting to know in a new, fresh way) my work life, my family life, and namely, for the sake of this blog, the area of my life which includes my friendships.

I have learned to approach people in an entirely new way.  Prior to the change I was fearful of people, willing to not make contact with a potentially new person because I assumed that I would not live up to some sort of expectation that they had of me.  I have learned and I am beginning to acknowledge that those "expectations" are my own expectations that I am failing of myself - because they are unreasonable expectations.  So, two things - I assume that people have those same high expectations of me, the unreasonable, unmanageable expectations that only lead to disappointment OR I create expectations for other people that are unreasonable and unmanageable...which, in total, leads to my own sabotage of friendships. 

I had many opportunities to make new friends this weekend and I DID.  I stepped out of my usual "they won't like me because of a) b) or c) and instead, I approached people with an open mind that was willing to listen and learn about these new people.  And having the confidence to step out of my usual pattern allowed me to meet and make some new friends.  I know that to most people this will seem silly, but to me, being a person trapped in my own personal hell, I find this liberating.

I have to continue this post by including a little known fact - despite attempts to be friends with people, you do not have to be friends with everyone.  There is a societal expectation to go beyond acquaintances and courtesies and become good friends with everyone you interact with.  (Is there?  Or maybe it's my imagination).  However, once you drop the unreasonable and unmanageable self-expectation of having to be friends with everyone and instead redirect that energy, you can improve upon the friendships you want to pursue.  This is not to say that you need to run around hating people or even being mean; you have manners - use them!  But if someone rubs you the wrong way, you can let that connection go and focus on the folks you do have love for.  And realizing THAT is also very liberating! 

It's been wonderful to take the time to process who I enjoy having in my life, wondering about the possibilities of new people in my life and being perfectly content to let those go whom don't quite flow with my life.  It changes the quality and the depth of friendships in a whole wonderful new way.

Compassion

I have been learning recently, about the idea of compassion.  All of my preconceived notions have been flying out the door.  In a sense, I thought that compassion meant to "feel sorry for someone."  I'm starting to understand that this is not the case.

On Friday evening I met with an important person in the area who leads the Buddhist community.  I learned much from him but what I learned the most is that I have already learned a lot, on my own.  I seem to have picked up the beginning bits and pieces of theories and thought processes that can help me redirect negativity.

The lesson I walked away from though, the most, is the idea of showing compassion to yourself.  How does one do that?  Well, I'm certainly no expert but showing compassion for myself combined with acknowledging my emotions and realizing they are valid, has helped tremendously. 

The whole idea is to pay attention to how you are feeling, exactly when you are feeling it.  In today's society, we are taught to ignore our feelings, to "get over it", etc.  This is unhelpful when trying to move forward in life.  Instead, I have learned, it is important to realize that we feel the way we feel.  And upon acknowledging our feelings, we cannot expect anyone to give us insight to our own thoughts except ourselves. 

I was very disappointed last night regarding a situation.  In the past, I would have let my emotions get out of control and I would have let irrationality take control.  Instead, I talked to myself (yes, we all talk to ourselves from time to time and I find that through my emotional journey that actually speaking out loud to myself is very helpful.  Don't worry, I don't do this in public.  I will, however, sing in my car with no reservations).  I told myself that I was feeling sad and lonely.  I let myself BE sad and lonely.  I didn't try to diffuse being sad and lonely by turning on the TV or finding someone to talk to or whatever.  I accepted these painful emotions and let them flow over me.  Later in the evening, I had been asked by someone if I was upset.  I told the truth -- that I was feeling sad and lonely.  But what's important to note is that I did not make it this person's issue.  I said that they were my feelings to deal with, but that was how I was feeling. 

I slept hard last night and I woke up feeling better.  It helps that the sun is out.  But what's more important is realizing that my sadness and loneliness doesn't have to control my goings-on for today.  That was yesterday's bath of emotions.  Now I have today.  And I will accept when I am happy, exactly in the moment which I am happy.  I will accept if I become sad, exactly in the moment that I am sad. 

The beginning of true self-compassion lies in the ability to accept your emotions and validate them.  We suffer because we are human and we feel things.  It is insanity to try to make our feelings go away, no matter how much they may hurt from time to time.  We must also find joy in our good times as well and embrace the happiness we feel.  But being human, we are in a constant state of flux and there is no way, emotionally, that we will always be.  Be compassionate towards yourself and understand the ebb and flow and accept all of it -- the good and the bad.  Remember, even in the darkest bad moments, the light we see is knowing that badness isn't stagnant -- it'll pass, as these things always tend to pass.  Breathe.

Quiet

This past weekend has been one of learning on a much deeper level than I ever expected to achieve.  I have somehow accepted quiet into my being and I'm finding it a very relieving state of existence.

I have been studying a number of things lately, primarily Buddhism.  What it is bringing to me is a sense of inner peace that I don't know I have ever seen within myself.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That's the surprising part - a sort of thing like this, you expect it to take slow effect and to make its way in eventually.

Something happened this past weekend.  I won't go into the details because the details are unimportant.  I knew I would be running into a person that I have hurt a lot in the past (and who, in turn, has hurt me a lot as well).  Knowing myself well enough, I assumed to feel anger, hurt, betrayal, frustration - all the usual elements of my emotions towards this person.  Instead, on seeing him, I felt a wave of compassion.  My immediate wants were not there; I expected to see him and be angry - I expected to want to say horrible things (knowing this, I had prepared myself to combat those feelings and NOT say or do harmful things; it was never my intention).  Instead, I felt a strong, overwhelming urge to hug him and to simply be next to him.  It was a confusing moment and it left me feeling very strange. 

The event where I was when I saw this man...it was a place special to him.  I knew that if I stayed, I ran the risk of reverting to my old self that would cause harm (either to myself or him).  This new feeling compelled me to move forward and away from his enjoyable experience.  I spoke to him, wished him well, and declined an invitation to stay.  I explained that it would be better for me to be alone and that I wanted him to enjoy his time with his friends without the complications that might arise from me being there.  We hugged and I walked away.

Since then, I have felt a sense of serenity.  I don't know what could possibly happen from this point and that doesn't really matter.  I am existing in the moment and allowing myself to feel emotions without putting them aside, squishing them down, or ignoring them. 

In our Western World, we are often told that our feelings are not valid - especially negative feelings. We are taught to "let it go" and "get over it."  This is the core problem.  We feel what we feel and to try to make things any different than what they are is a lie to ourselves.  It is important to acknowledge what we are feeling, exactly when we are feeling it, and realize that it is only the moment that we feel it.  It is not all-consuming.  It is not defining.  It simply is.

I left for home feeling satisfied that I didn't want anything.  I felt well, knowing that I was just being in the moment.  I felt self-assured that I was finally taking the time to be completely honest with myself and allowing myself to feel whatever it was that I was feeling.

I have no plans for the future, in an emotional sense.  I am completely satisfied with just being in the moment.  The "want" is gone - at least, today it is.  And that is the first step - not pushing through today to get to tomorrow when tomorrow may be taken away from us.  The future is always there - it's not going anywhere, but the moment is now and is not to be ignored.  When you exist in the moment, I have learned, it seems as though the greed and desire for a better future is gone.  The moment is beautiful, just as it is. 

"It's okay...I'm a recovering Catholic..."

I've always liked that statement: it's okay; I'm a recovering Catholic.  If you haven't heard that statement, it refers to the guilt that is inherent in Catholicism.  As you may or may not know, guilt is a powerful weapon of control found in not only Catholicism, but in many religions.

A friend of mine was recently dealing with guilt and it got me to thinking.  Personally, I often feel guilty, but through the work of cognitive behavioral therapy, I have been able to get rid of most of my guilty feelings.  But then, CBT takes a lot of work and I'm not a therapist.  I just want to take a few moments in my little blog here to explore what exactly guilt IS.

When we feel guilty, we feel we have let someone else down.  What I have learned, however, is that it is mostly important to determine if we have let ourselves down.  Awhile back, I had written about integrity and I think that's related.  If you set a high standard for yourself and then you fail to meet that standard, guilt may be one of the feelings you have.  That is a very core part of guilt; guilt is found with perfectionist type people; when a person like this doesn't do something perfectly, then they feel a total sense of failure and failure leads to feeling guilty. 

But when the guilt relates to letting someone else down, it becomes tricky.  If you have truly done something wrong towards that other person, then a certain amount of guilty is healthy to associate.  But when your life revolves around the guilt that you feel, falsely, then you have a problem.  The feelings of guilt are a message from the ethical portion of our brain; guilt will tell us to not do something again because it was wrong in some way.  However, when we hyperfocus on the feeling of guilt itself rather than the message it is sending, we can drive ourselves nuts!

Depending on the action which you took that invoked feelings of guilt, the first step is to determine if there is a true reason to feel guilty; that is, what is the message?  If you have harmed someone in some way for your own means, then yeah, you probably have a reason to feel guilty, you jerk!  If you stole something from someone, or gossiped needlessly, and you feel guilty, then you probably should feel guilty.  If you did something to improve your own life that perhaps didn't jive with someone else's life and they are upset, THIS is where you have to examine the guilt.  Guilt on this level is usually irrational.

First of all, one person cannot be responsible for another person's feelings.  I have learned this one the hard way.  I have spent a large amount of energy trying to make other people happy.  Especially trying to make those people who really don't care one way or another happy.  While parts of me continue to try to make others happy, I am personally trying to redirect this in making people happy while I make MYSELF happy.  So now, when I do something that might make someone else uncomfortable, I step back from the situation and question the message of guilt before it actually becomes guilt.

For example, at work yesterday, one of my coworkers asked me if I would run some things to the post office for her.  She asked me to do this just fifteen minutes before I was done working and I had scheduled myself to pick my daughter up a few minutes after I was done with work.  I told her that I was unable to run that errand today but that tomorrow I would have some flexibility.  I felt guilty.  I felt that I had done something bad.  But then I stepped back from the situation and reminded myself that earlier in the morning, she had asked me when I was working until; I told her three.  I also reminded myself that my daughter is more important than pleasing everyone at work.  THEN I looked outside and though "I bet she doesn't want to go outside and get in her car because it's pouring out!"  I THEN reminded myself that I had told her earlier in the day that I was leaving at three.

I rationalized that her poor planning is not my responsibility - that is to say "I am not responsible for her discomfort or emotions.  Therefore, I had done nothing wrong.

Like I mentioned earlier, I do believe that a certain amount of guilt is necessary, but that we should use it as a message device from our ethics.  It should not be a controlling agent.  So, regardless of whether or not the guilt is justified, it is important to examine the why of the feeling and to disregard the actual basic feeling of guilt.  We need to examine whether or not the guilt is justified, why it is, what (if needed) we can do to correct or prevent the situation from happening again and so on.  Wallowing in guilt is absolutely unnecessary and useless.

This is one of the trickier emotions, I think, to overcome.  But when we can get a handle on it through self-talk and whatnot, we can really reign our lives in and take more control of them.  Self-talk is an excellent tool, not just for guilt, but for all emotions.  Even the good ones! 

Enemies!

The other day, while on a walk, I saw my enemy.  My throat began to burn a little bit, my stomach did some flips, and I felt anger well up inside me.  This isn't much different than when I have a crush on someone.

Anyway, as I walked away, without incident (not that I thought there would be an incident), I felt slightly enlightened.  I recently read an article our reactions to people and situations.  Of course I had always been aware of the simple fact that we are, indeed, in charge of our emotions and that how feel feel towards people is of our own doing.

I wondered for a moment if she had felt the same way about me - the slight anxiety about the possible confrontation with each other.  Since there was zero confrontation, I'm assuming that she either wanted to avoid me as much as I wanted to avoid her or perhaps we're on different pages of thinking when it comes to "enemies."

And that brings up the whole idea behind this post.  It could very well be that this is a one-sided enemy situation.  I could be the one who just thinks of her as an enemy and perhaps she doesn't think of me as an enemy.  If she doesn't think of me as an enemy, then is she an enemy at all?  Am I just hanging on to these negative emotions based on passed events - really - for no reason?

Those are the core thoughts.  If the cause of the problem is far in the past, then why do I hang on to it?  This is entirely within my control, after all.  Grudges, jealousy, anger, hurt - as well as happiness, satisfaction, delight, humor - are all emotions that we are entirely in control of.  Well, we can be once we learn how to take control of them.  I'm not the first, nor will I be the last, to point out that you yourself is entirely in control of your emotions.  But then, that's easier said than done.

When there is insecurity, there is a distinct possibility that our emotions rule us.  Especially if you're like me, someone who is constantly looking for validation from outside sources rather than myself.  (I'm working on that).  When you feel things such as jealousy and anger, those emotions stem from feelings of fear and insecurity.  But what is there really to feel insecure about?

In a very simplistic way of looking at things, after walking away from her, I realized that she's my enemy, but that's because I'm keeping her my enemy.  It doesn't mean I have to be her best friend, but it certainly doesn't mean that I have to feel uncomfortable and irritated when I see her.  Those feelings are entirely derived on memories of feeling shafted in the past - which may or may not have been the case - but I'm entirely responsible for hanging on to that negativity and letting it control the situation when I see her.

Fortunately, while nothing is an overnight fix, realizing this and spending time reflecting on it, is helping me to let it go.  I don't want enemies at all.  I don't want to feel uncomfortable in the presence of anyone.  I don't want to go through the motions of avoiding someone.  And so....I won't!

Real Love

I am no expert at love and I will never pretend to be.  But I know a few basic things about love and who I love.  I love my family, number one, especially my daughter.  They are my lifeblood and the people I can also fall to when my life isn't going so well. 
There are some friends of mine whom I love.  Again - they are folks in my life that I know I can count on when things get tough.  They are important to me whether they realize it or not. 

But this isn't really about how to love people - we all love someone (unless you're a true psychopath but that's a whole area of psychology that I have neither the time nor the will to explore).  But do the people we love KNOW that we love them?  Do they KNOW how important it is when they call, just to see how you are doing?  Do we take the time to say things like "hey, you're really great and I love you."  Not because they just did something remarkable for us or because we want something from them...but just because we love them?  I try to let my daughter know, everyday, that I love her.  I especially tell her this when she's hopping out of the car for school: "I love you Sweetie...have a wonderful and fun day!" 

I know what I feel like when someone says they love me.  I feel LOVED.  But sometimes I think I disregard or forget to let people know that I love them. 

This weekend I shared a conversation with a friend who I don't get to speak with very often.  He's working and he works an odd job but he is an important person in my life who helped me to first open my eyes to....MYSELF...and to begin this long and difficult journey of self-love.  I love him.  Romantically?  Nah...well, I mean, I could, but I love him deeply in a way that doesn't require romantic love.  The love for him I share (and he says that it's mutual) isn't the kind of love that needs constant contact.  We are always there for each other.  The love we share isn't selfish - we want the other one to be happy, no matter how that happiness occurs.  I realize that I should open up my heart and love more people like that - that selfless, unconditional love.  But it's the kind of love that takes time to grow; time, respect, support, and life. 

How much do you love?  How much do you share your love with others?  Do you let people know what they mean to you?  How do you feel when someone says they love you - and would you care to share that feeling with others?  Do you reflect on love - who you love and who you'd like to love? 

Wow, how many times can I say love?  Seriously though, love is the thing, you know! 

All the Perceptions in the World...and Only One Matters

My head finally feels normal after four days of a dull and lingering migraine.  Stress related, so the doctor says.  I finally feel like myself again and I am looking forward to a long and sweaty workout tomorrow morning.  This is, of course, assuming that I still feel this good tomorrow morning.  I do not like being out of commission like this.

I've been finding lots of bits of myself all over the place - figuratively, of course.  As I continue to find these bits of myself, I am finding it interesting to see who is interested in helping me pick up these bits (I refuse to call them pieces...that seems degrading).  There are days when I don't feel good - I don't feel happy.  But I am able to mostly cope with the crap that comes down the pike.  But then, don't we all have horrible days?  Days when things just don't seem quite right? 

So what is the high standard that others have for us?  When we, especially the ones who have "issues", don't perform perfectly on a given day, we have failed to meet the expectations that seem higher than perhaps, others.  But why is there any pressure to perform for others at all?  Shouldn't we be the only ones, personally, that we hold ourselves accountable to? 

Yes.  Of course we should.  There are typical patterns of human behavior, but patterns are patterns and that doesn't make them the standard.  In terms of human emotion, there is no wrong or right way to act.  The only right thing to do is to be honest with yourself and the only wrong way to be is to pretend that something is different than what it actually is. 

I should also note that in adhering to this way of thinking - the whole cliche "be honest to yourself" thing - it's important to apply this to other people.  When people don't behave in a way that you believe is correct you have to really stand back and see if it really matters.  If someone doesn't behave in a situation the way that you would, does that necessarily make them wrong?  Or just...different? 

Lets not be hypocrites here.  How many times have you reacted to a situation that wasn't "normal"?  Have you been judged for behaving/reacting in the wrong way?  I know this is true about you - everyone fails to perform the way they "should"...and that's completely NORMAL.  The trick is not to judge when others don't perform the way you want them to. 

It's just a reminder - no one is or ever will be perfect.  But that doesn't make anyone less or more than another person.  We are herd like animals...we act very similarly to one another...but not always. 

Can I Check My Baggage Please?

The long-outdated term that sticks around like dog poop on your shoe cropped up in my life the other day.  "Baggage."  As in - I have too much baggage. 

I find the term "baggage" to be very offensive and I strongly feel that anyone who adheres to the concept of baggage is really quite lacking in maturity. 

"Baggage" defined:  1. Painful memories, mistrust and hurt carried around from past sexual or emotional rejection;  2. An excuse commonly used by Peter Pans (?) other immature men to avoid commitment yet maintain a sexual relationship.  (I used the Urban Dictionary definition because I find it as humorous as the subject itself).

A positive way to turn this around is to look at "baggage" as life experiences rather than something negative.  Everyone has had things come up in life that they have to struggle through.  I feel strongly that it's these events that make us stronger and they make us who we are.  When the extremely painful or difficult stuff pops up, the "baggage" is the inability to deal with it properly.  It's not what happened to you - it's how you handle it. 

The problem is - if you don't have this "baggage", then what kind of person are you really?  Either you're in denial of what you have to deal with, making you even more dangerous than a person who is willing to admit that they have baggage, or you haven't had much of a life to live.  In other words - you haven't been willing to take risks and put yourself out there; what kind of person are you really?  I'm not trying to say that everyone has to turn themselves into "damaged goods" in order to be interesting, but as my favorite Chinese quote says "smooth seas do not a sailor make." 

Much like Urban Dictionary - I do believe that declaring that someone has too much baggage is a fast cop out and a weak rejection.  Probably from someone who isn't capable of dealing with their issues in a positive manner. 

Do I have baggage?  Ohhhh yeah baby, I DO have baggage!  But it's all that stuff from the past that makes me appreciate each and everyday...I very much find joy in life on the up days and there is always light around the edges of the dark days. 

Hey - Bag Lady - Put a Bra On!

I've been battling insomnia for the past week and it's lead me to some pretty interesting nocturnal behaviors.  Some...disturbing.  Like cereal.  I'm not a big cereal eater in the morning, but for some reason, I love having cereal in the middle of the night.  It's not very healthy (but who can resist apple cinnamon cheerios at 11 p.m.?).  I've also managed to file all the callouses off my feet and I have gone through probably three different colors of nail polish. 
This is definitely not ME.  I'm the girl who goes to bed at 10 p.m. on the dot and wakes up several minutes before my alarm goes off.  I'm completely thrown.  Tonight, though, I'm expecting to have a few glasses of wine and if I don't pass out by 11 p.m., I might just go insane. 

What I've also been doing during my late night adventures is watching make over shows on television.  They're kind of addictive.  Like watching a train wreck.  You can't help but watch and gawk.  People getting some kind of makeover, whether it's in their home or a beauty makeover of some kind or whatever...they start out a total mess and then they wind up some kind of perfect (though there was one episode of "How Do I Look" where the woman looked like a clown when they were done with her.  It was astounding). 

On the makeover shows, there's inevitably the woman (or man, but they're mostly women) who resists the change.  They attempt to justify their pants that are falling apart....their dirty hair...whatever...by standing up for some kind of social injustice ("bras are patriarchal..." sure but your large, swinging breasts in a shirt that doesn't fit you properly is kind of offensive).  The first time you see it, you just see that they're attempting to make a statement by how they appear.  This goes with how a family's home can look, but dissecting that is more difficult than examining the process of a fashion makeover.  And I think that falls into a more serious psychological disorder.  I'm speaking of the show "Clean House"...it involves hoarders.  That's an entirely different subject.

The woman, looking all kinds of disheveled, is angry that anyone would attempt to make her over.  She usually says something negative along the lines of "you're judging me...that's wrong" (I've left the expletives out). 

You know what? She's right!  We...that is, society...are judging her!  We're judging her dirty, messy appearance!  No matter what you do, no matter what you think or what you're standing up for - your appearance is important.  That's not to say that everyone has to walk around looking like a super model.  I believe that you should look like what you stand for, but that doesn't have to come at the cost of a loss of self-respect. 

In the makeover shows, I find it interesting that always, ALWAYS, these women, by the end of the episode, all of a sudden see themselves as beautiful.  They're standing taller, they glow...and they almost always say "I feel like ME...I feel like I can still stand for what I believe in, but in a more put-together kind of way!" 

Looking good is not about fashion labels or heels or a ton of makeup.  It's about being confident enough in yourself to project it outwardly.  People, especially new people, will judge you on your first appearance.  Doesn't matter if you agree with that or not, but they do.  So you have to ask yourself - what kind of impression do you want to make?  Do you want people to take you seriously for what you believe in...what you stand for?  Or do you want to be looked at like another bag lady? 

I have a lot of pet peeves in this department (I'm sorry, but the only time you should wear your complete pajamas to the store is if you're half dead and picking up a prescription - pajamas are not acceptable public wear...just sayin').  I could really go on and on.  And honestly, it's not about slating people - if you want to sport a mohawk, then sport one....but put it together and wear it proudly (and please, keep some level of cleanliness).  If you want to wear Gucci, wear it with a smile.  And if you can't outwardly project pride in yourself and what you believe in, it might be time to check yourself - and get it together....build some confidence. 

Just sayin'

Take It....Seriously?

The subject of my current state of mind has come up a lot recently.  That is - in my own thought processes.  A lot has changed in my life, for the better.  I get up, everyday, on time, allowing myself to hit "snooze" only two times.  I dress in my workout clothes and turn on the coffee pot that I've set up the night before.  One cup of coffee and then I'm off to work out.  It's a beautiful morning.  I can depend on it; it usually doesn't let me down. 

So after a particularly successful run this morning, I'm icing my knee and considering the extreme views on life that I take.  I have had the following labels applied to me - and I asked for honesty.  I'm in this entire process of stripping myself down to the foundation, finding the cracks, and fixing them.  So if the beams are rotted, let me know.  The labels include "uptight," "intense," "dramatic," "stressed..." I think you get the point.  And the thing is, I can agree with all of those statements.  I don't really care for those labels to be applied to me.  But at the same time, I am who I am - labels and all. 

Labels are an easy thing to stick on a person when you're too lazy to get to know them.  The people I asked to "label" me are not lazy.  They are dear friends who knew what I was getting at.  But if those are the instant labels that OTHER people put on me, without getting to know me, then that is clearly what I'm reflecting from somewhere inside myself, no matter what might be going on for real.

I cannot change how people see me - I know that I can only change myself.  But the motives for change have to be genuine.  After sometime, I realize that I don't really want to change for anyone except myself.  Cliche statement, of course, but it's true.  I want to wake up every morning and feel beautiful and charming to myself.  I want to wake up and see an intelligent capable woman in the mirror.  And frankly speaking, I have begun to see that.  And it's awesome. 

In this entire process - the relationships I have with people - there seems to be three schools of people in my life.  There is a new wave of people I'm attracting and I really like it.  Intelligent, capable, witty - and fun!  And they stick around long enough to see the value in me.  They even see a glimpse of it because I'm learning to project my inner feelings in an outward manner. 
Then there are the people who can see the change, minimally, because they don't really care that much (which is fine - I'm not saying that in a negative way - just in the way that they're not very connected in my life.  You know, the acquaintances we have).  They see the change, from time to time and in some cases, they may end up becoming genuine friends. 
The third sort of person in my life is the one who is not willing to allow me to change.  There are several of these in my life right now and it's almost like they're poison.  But this is not a one-sided thing; I have been the one to set up the failure of me in their eyes.  However - if they are incapable of seeing the change within me, or doubting me - then that is their own handicap and there is nothing that I can do to convince them otherwise.  In fact, the action of making a verbal declaration of change does nothing to help me change and actually makes me take steps backwards.  It's self-defeating. 
When you look in the eyes of these people, you realize that, according to them, you will always be "crazy" or "foolish and silly" or some other negative term, no matter how much you've moved forward.  And if you keep that person in your life, holding such a negative frame around you, can you actually change?  If THAT is who you are, to them, and there is no indication of your change upon them, then you have not changed.  You have acknowledged that you're willing to accept those negative labels in your relationship with them.
How important is this person to you?  How important are you to yourself in keeping your sanity?  How many times will you go around and around with this person who cannot and will not allow you grow as a person, in their idea of you - in a way, they're holding you back.  But you're the one sticking around, taking the abuse and the disregard. 
You HAVE changed and anyone telling you you have not, is content with how things were "before."  It's also an excuse not to develop a deeper relationship with someone. 
After many conversations, I realize that in one particular person's eyes, I don't think I will ever be anything more than a crazy girl.  It's disappointing, yes, but it's time to move forward.  There are labels to me, yes, but I'm peeling them off and I don't need anyone picking those labels up off the ground and sticking them back on me. 

Integrity and/of the Self

My thoughts lately have been going in three major directions.  I've been wondering how they tie into each other and it seems as though, as many things tend to, it all leads back to self.

I've been contemplating the idea of being friends with the self.  It doesn't seem like much of a concept, but really, as a basic way of looking at it, you are with yourself - forever.  So you'd better learn to like and love yourself, in yourself, by yourself.  I'll come back around to this in a moment.

Friends with others.  Have you examined your friendships lately?  I know that's been a huge thing for me and I have noticed that since I have started this whole entire self-exploration, my friendships have changed.  I have watched some folks fade away and new people have come around.  I can't say whether or not it's just a change in the tides because that's just life or if, perchance, that the person I am becoming requires relationships of a different nature.  I think, honestly, it's a combination of the two.

So those are two of three items that have been floating around in my brain soup.  They are important because if the third item plays a huge role in how you are friends with yourself and friends with others.  Everyone has probably heard of this word...this concept; but do we really know what it means?

Integrity.  I thought about integrity the last few days because I was wondering if a recent action had fallen into the category of what could be considered lacking integrity.  But then I realized it wasn't something that I could judge.  It's not an action that belongs to me so therefore, I cannot let that action effect me in any real way.

But lets look at the word.  Integrity has several different meanings (I looked) but in essence, it means "to be whole - to be undivided."  This applies to the self when we look at self-integrity.  To have self-integrity means to honest with ourselves...completely and undeniably honest with ourselves and our actions.  It is also an agreement to yourself that your values, goals and actions are aligned correctly and work in harmony.  When you are able to see the truth of yourself and become honest about your values, you can realize your goals and put into play the actions you need to accomplish them.
Another item that seems to stand out when it comes to self-integrity is the absence of fear.  That means shedding the negative talk; the "I can't" "I shouldn't" and so forth.  When you veer off the path of self-integrity, you will hear a little voice telling you so...that is, if you have the confidence to live your life with integrity.  You will be reminded of what you're doing, why you're doing it, and the things you need to do to accomplish it.  Whatever it is.  As I mentioned before, it is important to be friends with yourself and to love yourself; it is difficult to love someone outside of yourself that you cannot trust or that you fear or that you look down upon because they fear so greatly, so do not apply those types of qualities to yourself.  Carry integrity within yourself.

Integrity becomes important when it comes to our friendships because of two things; we have to have self-integrity because it's an important part of our own self-esteem.  If we can prove to ourselves that we ARE capable of following through with our values and goals and we do it fairly well, measuring up to our OWN standards and not others, then we can move on to the next goal.
If we can provide integrity to our friendships, then we become a steadfast fixture to others.  We become a dependable person to others.  This can be tricky though - we have to "do things" for others because it benefits ourselves as well - not just to please others.  So that is important to keep in mind.  We have to do things for others that we will somehow benefit.

So it's kind of a triad - integrity, friendships with others, friendships with self.  I think it starts with having a full understanding of integrity.  Then it must be applied to our interpersonal relationship and sustained by completing goals, however big or small those goals are - as long as those goals are aligned with our long term dreams and our values.  Thirdly, we can apply integrity to our friendships, providing stability and dependability which will, in turn, benefit ourselves.

The perk from all this integrity talk is simple; with integrity, the quality of our relationships, internal and external, will improve immensely.  Practice integrity and start with the self. 

Faith

Last night I had a conversation with someone whom I thought had a great deal of compassion for people.  We discussed fuel technology (not that I know a great deal about this).  It even became a topic of discussion because I'm very interested in steering my career towards intellectual property law, including patents.  I have a firm belief that the way the law is set up now is very anti-productive towards creating a better life and home for us all and that we need to rethink our patent laws.  In particular, I believe that many fuel-saving measures are tied up in expensive patents that oil companies bought from their inventors.  I feel that I would like to help overcome some of these crippling laws in order to benefit society.
The conversation took an interesting turn - this lady told me that people wouldn't change even if they were presented a proper argument on how fuel savings would help the environment.  Then, of course, I told her that people are concerned with money and money equals gas and the less gas they use, the more dollar they get.  It's simple math, really.  She stifled the conversation with a simple "I don't have faith in people.  They won't do that."  And when I attempted to counterpoint, she turned her body away from me and said "I've been around a lot longer than you; I know - you don't."  And she walked away.

Now, this whole conversation has bothered me all day.  I feel very strongly that if you don't have faith in people, then what is the point of doing anything for anyone else, except for your own selfish needs?  This makes me wonder about what kind of woman she really is - actually, perhaps, quite selfish.  There really was no point in arguing with someone who had that ignorant of a viewpoint and couldn't consider another view.  You meet up with brick-wall type people all the time and the only thing you can do is bow out gracefully and move along. 

I find it interesting that my topic on faith comes on the heels of what has been a very rough week.  Sick daughter, missing work and classes, hoping to god that I don't get sick too!  And, well, I've rolled with it, all this week, most entirely by myself, except for last night when my father relieved me of my duties for a few hours. 
I woke up feeling quite sorry for myself - how I hate that I'm not married - how so many other people have it so much easier than I do - why don't people see that I'm working hard?  Why can't someone give me a nod? 
I thought and thought about this issue and realized that I cannot rely on other people for my well-being.  It is the faith within myself that I have to stand by - whether that's in the intellectual property law area or the faith in myself of being a good mom, despite the circumstances.  Well, I survived the week, in tact, barely, and I see the strength I have within me.  I have a renewed sense of faith in myself, in all that I do.  I don't have to draw comparisons to other people to see that I'm a strong person - my goals are slowly being met and I think that while this is a very personal entry, it's very relevant.  Finding strength within yourself and then having the courage to embrace that strength...and following up with having faith in your strength and courage....allows you to move forward.

Onward and Upward! (Have I already used that?)

Water for the Soul

You know what?  I love this weird brand of hip-hop/surf/reggae music, namely The Dirty Heads.  And thanks to Pandora, I'm discovering all these new bands...like "Slightly Stoopid."  It just makes me want to move my body.

Speaking of moving the body, I'm entering into week four of a rigorous and continuous workout and I cannot express to you how fantastic I feel.  I haven't seen major changes in my actual physical appearance, but the mental improvement is worth the sweat and cramps and occasional pain (that's what ice is for, right?).

The item on my mind recently has been jealousy.  All self-improvement items aside, I will be the first to admit that I am a jealous person.  It's part of that whole being-insecure thing.  However, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on this particular downfall of mine and have come to realize a few things.

Jealousy is one of the most destructive emotions that can occur within a relationship.  Jealousy is also one of the most unfounded emotions that we possess as humans.  Taken apart, jealousy breaks down into a couple of subtopics:
-Self-Esteem - this seems to be the root of all negativity.  Anger, frustration, and jealousy.
-Fear - fear of the unknown.

Self-esteem is a constant struggle for me.  However, now that I've been working on only accepting my own approval and not the approval of others, my self-esteem has soared.  Like I've been saying for awhile, you are the only person you are with for your entire life and if you're not happy with what you've got, change it.  Most of us tend to steer clear of really crappy people but it's our own crappiness that we have to worry about.  It's simple, but difficult.  But every little push - the self-affirmations, the workouts, the self-awknowledgement of accomplishments - gets you over that hill and onto greener pastures.

Fear is also based off of low self-esteem (in my opinion).  Low self-esteem breeds a lack of confidence.  If you have a lack of confidence, you probably fear failing in some fashion or another.
Fear in terms of jealousy isn't necessarily about failing, but rather, the fear of the unknown.  There are occasions when jealousy comes merely from the IDEA of what COULD happen, especially with lovers.  "He's spending time with her - he probably likes her more than me - he's going to break up with me for her - she's going to get him, not me - I'm a failure."  When you really pull that apart, what is really going on?

1)  He's spending time with her - yeah, he probably enjoys her company.  She has something to offer him.  What it is exactly - doesn't matter.
2) He probably likes her more than me - what are the grounds for this?  Do you think she's more attractive than you?  Smarter maybe?  What exactly?  And what IS the consequence for him liking her more than you?  Will you die?  Will you incur and illness?  Probably not.
3) She's going to get him, not me - She could.  And then what?  You move on.  You'll eventually find a new partner that thinks more of you than he ever did.  And then you look back and think, "what the hell was I thinking?  I settled for that?"
4) I'm a failure - why?  What makes you a failure?  Because two people engage in a stimulating situation of some kind or another?  That doesn't make YOU a failure - it just makes you different.  You have to value your own hobbies, priorities, etc, especially when they don't necessarily vibe with your partners.  You cannot de-value then to try to maintain some sort of false sense of control.  All you end up doing is losing control and making yourself miserable.

I get jealous, sure.  I'm sure that I have made others jealous.  Such is life.  But it's healthy to step back and take it apart, just like I said, and that helps dissipate the frustration that jealousy breeds.   

Bad Behavior

This past weekend has been both awesome and...well...interesting. 

A dear friend of mine came in to visit me and we spent the afternoon talking about recent events in our lives and then we sat around, drinking beers, and reminiscing.  It was a great time.  It made me realize that I love exactly where I am in life...that the past was what it was...and most importantly, I have an excellent future ahead of me.

After my friend left, I decided to spend some time with some other friends.  Everything was going well until, well, I had drank too much and my mind started to spin out of control.  When I woke up, Sunday morning, I wasn't sure what all had been said or what all I had done, but I felt very ashamed of myself.  I know that a wonderful day and evening with friends had turned into a negative night, with the right amount of alcohol. 

I don't like the negative things that came out of my mouth, especially because they involved events that were in the past.  As I have said before, it's important to compartmentalize the past, experience the emotion of it, and put it away in order to remain in the present.   I let the past eat me alive on Saturday night.  I know, obviously, one of the best things I can do for myself right now, is to put away the drinks.  I have too much internal work to bother with drinking - it's just not a good idea.  (And the calories are counterproductive to my workouts!)

Today, as I spent some more time reflecting on it, I realized a few more things.  Well, one thing in particular, and that is that my behavior, though it was mostly internal, was rotten.  It was an outpouring of my old self, the one who still lingers, even though I work on shedding the old stuff everyday, and that old self behaved very, very badly to the new self. 

I realize where I am going in life and I have never felt more proud of my accomplishments and my direction; I feel confident everyday.  But how can I continue to improve when I engage in such bad behavior?  When the good-self is present, the good-self would never accept the behavior that the bad-self displayed on Saturday night.  That is behavior that is outdated for the the person that I am becoming.  There is no room in my life for that kind of negativity and it is behavior that makes only for steps backwards.

However, in all of this - all of the things that happened on Saturday night - there is no way that my determination could have grown to its current strength if I hadn't experienced such a set back.  It is through our relapses, in our most weak moments, that we can be honest with ourselves and tell ourselves what we truly want and how we truly want to be. 

It is when the bad-self, showing itself fully, comes forth so that we can extract it from who we are. 

From this point onward, we must accept that from time to time, the bad-self will come out again as we deal with our anger issues.  And as we deal with them, more and more of the bad-self will disappear and disintegrate.  We are merely humans and can only take on one item at a time and through this process there is much self-forgiveness to perform as well - forgiveness for this moment of weakness.  

Staying in the Past

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the idea of moving forward.  There are so many good things out there for us and so many of us deny them or think that we're not good enough for them.  But honestly, who is to make that judgment call? 
I can't really make this very flowery, but it boils down to the fact that if we hang on to the past, we cannot move forward.  The past is a serious weight that doesn't allow for growth, if it is mishandled. 
My past - all the wrongs inflicted on me; all the regrets - every mistake.  Oh man, for years I hung on to that and some days I can't not think about that stuff.  But the trick is to compartmentalize it.  To take it out when it's bothering you, let yourself feel it for a set amount of time and then "put it away" in order to move on to more important things, things that help you move forward. 
It's perfectly acceptable to reflect on the past, after all, those experiences are what makes you YOU.  You cannot change that.  But it's how you reflect on them that makes the difference.  Looking at something with a "poor me for having that happened to me" is going to be much less successful than "oh man, that happened to me, but I don't have to let it happen again" attitude.  Relive, reflect, release.  
I had a conversation recently with someone whom I love very much but afterwards, I felt icky and angry and all these old emotions.  I had wanted a friendship out of him in a way that I just don't think I'll get.  The old Tessa emerges, trying to manipulate the situation in order to get what she wants, she fails, and feels angry.  The old game, which never works, was played and failed at.  Again. 
Part of why it didn't work is because the friend also has past-living issues (I think, though I try really hard not to judge - it's just a though calculated based on my reaction and interaction with this person).  He expected me to behave in a certain way and boy, I didn't let him down on that.  I went to bed upset, BUT full of hope, knowing that today is a new day.
Perhaps I just shouldn't be friends with that person for awhile, if ever.  The idea is to move forward.  Step by painful step (and they're not all painful) to move forward into blossoming into what I am becoming. 
The past - is a ball and chain.  And boy did I feel that last night!  So, like I said earlier, the situation shall be let go as a bad night - I will not let it effect my day today.  If I did, I would be adding another link to my chain. 
No one is perfect and change doesn't happen overnight.  But being aware makes a huge difference.  It helps you move forward. 

Waking Up In Love

As I begin this process of building faith in myself - increasing my self-esteem, realizing my own high amount of potential, I realize that this starts in a very basic way.  The basics of loving yourself. 
I touched on this in the previous entry, but now I feel it's important to delve a little deeper because it encompasses more than just the idea of loving oneself.  There are many people who think they've got the love figured out and maybe they have got the right kind of love for themselves.

The love I speak of is a multipurpose, multidimensional love.

When I decided that it was of utmost importance to learn to love myself, I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that.  Where does one begin after years - decades - of hating oneself?  Well, I began with a very simple idea. 

My body.  I have never, ever liked my body.  I've always been overweight and hated it.  And no matter what I had done in the past, I never liked it and nothing was ever good enough.  After I had my daughter, I gave it a seriously great effort after I had reached my all time big-ness of 265 pounds and couldn't hardly move.  I worked hard and lost a lot of that weight.  Some of that weight has come back and I'm still unhappy. 

I figure this is the perfect place to start.  My body is...ME!  And if I'm unhappy with my body, how can I really be any good to the rest of myself?  So I started working out again, after a long absence of working out and I'm finding that it not only hurts in that really really great way, but it is enlightening.  It's so incredibly energizing as well!  I feel like when I start to sweat profusely, I'm sweating out negativity that's been simmering inside of me.  Okay, maybe that part is a little silly, but hey, I love it!  And I love it in a way I have never loved working out before.  This time its because it's not just about getting a hot body but it's about loving myself - my temple!  I want to make this body work for me in every way you can think - I want to project the happiness that is building within me and I want to be able to move in the ways I want to move.  I want my skin to glow and my hair to shine! 
As I have begun working out, my self-confidence has grown tremendously as well.  I'm a slow runner right now, and I can't get very far, but I'm running further than I had a week ago!  And metaphorically speaking, I'm running away from Old Self and running towards New Self.  Thats a helpful way to look at it too!

So as I begin to learn to love myself, I will continue with the most basic thing I know how to show myself love - by taking care of my temple.  Clean things up, get the junk out.  Get things moving again!