Ahhh the ever unapproachable subject! Death! I personally have no problem with this topic and in fact, I enjoy discussion the various philosophies relating to death and whatnot. I suppose this stems from working in funeral service for a collective three years. In fact, I'd still be working in funeral service had it not been for the crazy hours and the enormous amount of schooling I'd have to complete. It's actually how I got into law; I was preparing for mortuary school and I had to take a business law class. I absolutely fell in love with law! And now, between my studies and working at a law firm, I love it! I am right where I need to be!
But back to the subject at hand. I bring up this topic because I think it is very relevant in learning how to appreciate and enjoy life to its fullest.
Awhile ago, while suffering a serious bout of depression, as I'm apt to do, I made an agreement with myself regarding how I was going to live my life. After I made the agreement, my entire perspective on life changed. I don't want to go into the details of that agreement, as it's very personal, but when it boils down to it, I agreed to face my death and to embrace it.
Since then, knowing that the end will come someday, my entire perspective has changed. I feel like, now, more than ever, I am able to live fully, inside each day, without any reservation. When I gave myself permission to understand that I will die someday and that while it's not only inevitable, it's perfectly okay. I have accepted my death.
In our society, I think a lot of us ignore death, avoid it, try to figure out how to escape it, etc. I personally think that's why we still embalm the deceased and put them on display; to show they aren't dead but that they are "sleeping." "Oh look, Grandma looks so peaceful, like she's sleeping." Well, listen up - she's not sleeping. You've got a corpse there and without dangerous embalming practices which inflict risk upon the funeral director embalming the deceased, you'd have a health hazard if "left" too long.
This desire to avoid/ignore death comes from our mostly Christian society (and other religious groups who have higher powers) which explains life in linear terms. You are born, you live, and then, The End, you die. (And go to heaven or hell, depending). In most cases, The End of something is related to negative feelings (although The End of this semester couldn't come fast enough for me...holy buckets!) and therefore, we try to avoid The End. When we close our eyes to something, we can't see it and like a child, if we can't see it, then it's not there, right?
I theorize that when you open your eyes to death as a permanent and unavoidable event in your life, you open your eyes up to other things. You open your eyes and mind to a more rich and fulfilling life. When death loses its taboo status, a person gains the control of a beautiful life. The richness of relationships grows, the appreciation of your job and how you conduct yourself, the appreciation of the things like you like and love becomes more important. Death loses it's control...as you gain your happiness.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
A Choice
A few days ago, something very unfortunate happened. I was put into a situation that, by no fault of my own, violated my HIPAA rights. I am not going to get into the details of it and I'm certainly not going to go into details about what happened.
The issue of this blog is that I had a choice to make. Because of the HIPAA violation this person inflicted on me, by pure human error, I could in essence, have him lose his job. I thought long and hard about whether or not to file a claim with HIPAA folk, but after a long talk with him, I am sure that something like this will never happen again. I'm sure his mistake has him rattled to the core and not just because I sternly expressed my opinion. No, rather, human mistakes...human errors...need to happen so that we can make improvements in our lives.
I have decided that the error is not going to ruin anyone's life and so who am I to potentially ruin someone else's life? Do I trust him fully anymore? Nah, not really. Do I think he has the potential to regain that trust? Yes, absolutely. Plus there's always the concept of perpetuating negativity; if I reported him, then here we go, into an investigation and stress and cost and whatever...and for what? To prove something we know? That he simply made a mistake? No, that is not an example of living life fully and with forgiveness, compassion, and constant learning.
It has happened and it is gone. It is time to show more compassion and forgiveness in this world.
The issue of this blog is that I had a choice to make. Because of the HIPAA violation this person inflicted on me, by pure human error, I could in essence, have him lose his job. I thought long and hard about whether or not to file a claim with HIPAA folk, but after a long talk with him, I am sure that something like this will never happen again. I'm sure his mistake has him rattled to the core and not just because I sternly expressed my opinion. No, rather, human mistakes...human errors...need to happen so that we can make improvements in our lives.
I have decided that the error is not going to ruin anyone's life and so who am I to potentially ruin someone else's life? Do I trust him fully anymore? Nah, not really. Do I think he has the potential to regain that trust? Yes, absolutely. Plus there's always the concept of perpetuating negativity; if I reported him, then here we go, into an investigation and stress and cost and whatever...and for what? To prove something we know? That he simply made a mistake? No, that is not an example of living life fully and with forgiveness, compassion, and constant learning.
It has happened and it is gone. It is time to show more compassion and forgiveness in this world.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Crazy, Dirty Boys
Yesterday I was having a conversation with someone regarding the current dating pool in the western Wisconsin area. I shared a recent "bad dating" experience and she shared hers. Our comparison of the two dates spurred the desire to write this blog.
She dated a crazy guy; I dated a dirty guy. So, of the two, (which seem to be the only available men out there right now), which would you choose? The guy lacking hygiene or the guy who is off his rocker?
I should probably explain a little bit. It will help you make your decision.
The gentleman I had gone on a date with wasn't, you know, Pig-pen dirty. There was no halo of bugs floating around him and while I didn't care for the smell of his soap, there was the smell of soap present, so that's a win. What I didn't care for was the slightly stained t-shirt and when he brought me to his house, it was filthy. I knew going in that he'd been remodeling, but it was filthy. Beyond the usual dust and clutter from home remodeling. I won't say much more than that...but needless to say, I didn't want to touch anything (let alone him) or sit down.
So while having my usual morning coffee at a local coffee joint, I got into a discussion regarding the aforementioned "dirty guy." The woman said "well, at least he wasn't crazy! I dated a guy who was crazy and didn't take any meds for it...really!"
I need to make a sidenote here. Given the fact that I am *technically* crazy, I can understand where this dude is coming from. I will say, however, that everyone has a responsibility to take care of themselves. If you didn't know me, you wouldn't know that I am *crazy* as I take care of my mental health quite well. Moving on....
She explained that he was bipolar and he didn't take any meds due to his lack of insurance. He'd call her and say things like "I'm gonna kill myself if you leave me..." and whatnot, therefore making his problems her responsibility. Who knows what else he was doing!
So that leaves the question - if you HAD to choose between the two, the dirty guy or the crazy guy, which would you choose? I'd really like to know. I know which one I'd choose but I'll save that decision and theory for after I perhaps get some feedback....so tell me...
Dirty or Crazy?
She dated a crazy guy; I dated a dirty guy. So, of the two, (which seem to be the only available men out there right now), which would you choose? The guy lacking hygiene or the guy who is off his rocker?
I should probably explain a little bit. It will help you make your decision.
The gentleman I had gone on a date with wasn't, you know, Pig-pen dirty. There was no halo of bugs floating around him and while I didn't care for the smell of his soap, there was the smell of soap present, so that's a win. What I didn't care for was the slightly stained t-shirt and when he brought me to his house, it was filthy. I knew going in that he'd been remodeling, but it was filthy. Beyond the usual dust and clutter from home remodeling. I won't say much more than that...but needless to say, I didn't want to touch anything (let alone him) or sit down.
So while having my usual morning coffee at a local coffee joint, I got into a discussion regarding the aforementioned "dirty guy." The woman said "well, at least he wasn't crazy! I dated a guy who was crazy and didn't take any meds for it...really!"
I need to make a sidenote here. Given the fact that I am *technically* crazy, I can understand where this dude is coming from. I will say, however, that everyone has a responsibility to take care of themselves. If you didn't know me, you wouldn't know that I am *crazy* as I take care of my mental health quite well. Moving on....
She explained that he was bipolar and he didn't take any meds due to his lack of insurance. He'd call her and say things like "I'm gonna kill myself if you leave me..." and whatnot, therefore making his problems her responsibility. Who knows what else he was doing!
So that leaves the question - if you HAD to choose between the two, the dirty guy or the crazy guy, which would you choose? I'd really like to know. I know which one I'd choose but I'll save that decision and theory for after I perhaps get some feedback....so tell me...
Dirty or Crazy?
Monday, September 19, 2011
A Revisit
I think I have discussed the whole idea of self esteem in the past but a few interesting things have happened over the past few weeks that I feel important and relevant to my personal growth and self acceptance and whatnot.
I have, for quite some time, been told that my expectations of other people are "too high." You know, they might be. But when I reflect on what I think is appropriate, what I want, and how I want to live life, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be allowed to think and feel the way I do. When I am asked to lower my expectations, I see what happens - what the new expectation is - and I do not like the results. I feel as though I am not being respected; that what is important to me isn't important at all or perhaps that it's not worthy.
Through this all, though, I have learned that my expectations are not too high but that I have expected too much from the wrong people. I have also learned that my life is good and worthy and excellent and I should enjoy it exactly the way it is. I should be proud of the things I have accomplished and the direction I am headed; my expectations are not too high, they never have been, but the secret to this mystery is that I haven't, until now, had the confidence to stand by what I believe in.
The whole idea of a "high expectation" is clearly displayed in my dating life. I have had the opportunity to go out with several seemingly decent guys. They have good jobs, they own their homes, are educated, etc. But when it comes down to it, there are telling signs that I am simply not comfortable with. Example: the other night, I had a date. I knew that we were going on a dinner cruise on the Mississippi. I asked specifically what kind of dress was expected; I was told that it wasn't anything more formal. I explained to the gentleman what I would be wearing; a nice shirt or sweater and some nice jeans and whatnot. For the date, I wore a cozy black sweater, did my hair up nicely, makeup, etc. I looked nice. I felt good. I did NOT feel good when my date showed up in a slightly stained tshirt and ill-fitting jeans. I did NOT feel god when my date belched. And there were other things.
I asked myself if I was being shallow and the more I thought about it the more I realized that no, in fact, I am not being shallow. If this guy feels that this is appropriate attire for one of the first dates, during the phase where we're still trying to impress each other, etc, I do not want to know what the future holds. In relationships, we always put our best foot forward for the first couple of months; we're still trying to sell the deal, right? I don't want to feel like I am the type of girl who would go for someone with that kind of standard for himself. Is that his best foot forward? No thanks!
I have worked hard on my self esteem and what I do and don't deserve and I deserve to be with a gentleman who is as excited to be involved with me and therefore motivated to put his best foot forward, as do I, during the early courtship phase of a relationship. I also feel as though the man I'll end up with will have excellent self esteem where he feels it necessary to dress appropriately for things like dinner cruises and will hide his belches and whatnots. This man will take pride in his life in all aspects and that will reflect in his smile, his appearance, his conversation.
Perhaps my expectations are too high for a lot of people. But I'd rather adhere to my personal doctrine and be alone than to settle for someone who thinks poorly of himself, thinks poorly of me, doesn't feel the need to make an effort and so on. I have spent enough time in my young life with people who have poor self-esteem in some way or another and I think that I have settled for this in the past because of my own personal lack of self esteem. But this is not the case anymore. I genuinely enjoy my own company. And I am attractive, smart as a tack (well, I have my moments - ha!), and I'm all the things that I'll allow myself to be - and THAT is hot.
I have, for quite some time, been told that my expectations of other people are "too high." You know, they might be. But when I reflect on what I think is appropriate, what I want, and how I want to live life, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be allowed to think and feel the way I do. When I am asked to lower my expectations, I see what happens - what the new expectation is - and I do not like the results. I feel as though I am not being respected; that what is important to me isn't important at all or perhaps that it's not worthy.
Through this all, though, I have learned that my expectations are not too high but that I have expected too much from the wrong people. I have also learned that my life is good and worthy and excellent and I should enjoy it exactly the way it is. I should be proud of the things I have accomplished and the direction I am headed; my expectations are not too high, they never have been, but the secret to this mystery is that I haven't, until now, had the confidence to stand by what I believe in.
The whole idea of a "high expectation" is clearly displayed in my dating life. I have had the opportunity to go out with several seemingly decent guys. They have good jobs, they own their homes, are educated, etc. But when it comes down to it, there are telling signs that I am simply not comfortable with. Example: the other night, I had a date. I knew that we were going on a dinner cruise on the Mississippi. I asked specifically what kind of dress was expected; I was told that it wasn't anything more formal. I explained to the gentleman what I would be wearing; a nice shirt or sweater and some nice jeans and whatnot. For the date, I wore a cozy black sweater, did my hair up nicely, makeup, etc. I looked nice. I felt good. I did NOT feel good when my date showed up in a slightly stained tshirt and ill-fitting jeans. I did NOT feel god when my date belched. And there were other things.
I asked myself if I was being shallow and the more I thought about it the more I realized that no, in fact, I am not being shallow. If this guy feels that this is appropriate attire for one of the first dates, during the phase where we're still trying to impress each other, etc, I do not want to know what the future holds. In relationships, we always put our best foot forward for the first couple of months; we're still trying to sell the deal, right? I don't want to feel like I am the type of girl who would go for someone with that kind of standard for himself. Is that his best foot forward? No thanks!
I have worked hard on my self esteem and what I do and don't deserve and I deserve to be with a gentleman who is as excited to be involved with me and therefore motivated to put his best foot forward, as do I, during the early courtship phase of a relationship. I also feel as though the man I'll end up with will have excellent self esteem where he feels it necessary to dress appropriately for things like dinner cruises and will hide his belches and whatnots. This man will take pride in his life in all aspects and that will reflect in his smile, his appearance, his conversation.
Perhaps my expectations are too high for a lot of people. But I'd rather adhere to my personal doctrine and be alone than to settle for someone who thinks poorly of himself, thinks poorly of me, doesn't feel the need to make an effort and so on. I have spent enough time in my young life with people who have poor self-esteem in some way or another and I think that I have settled for this in the past because of my own personal lack of self esteem. But this is not the case anymore. I genuinely enjoy my own company. And I am attractive, smart as a tack (well, I have my moments - ha!), and I'm all the things that I'll allow myself to be - and THAT is hot.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Autumn and Change
While we're still technically in summer, the weather makes it feel like autumn. And really, here in Western, slightly north-Western, Wisconsin, we really exist primarily in the winter. So the summers are short and fall comes quickly. This is something I truly do not mind; I love fall - it's my favorite season.
I haven't written much lately because well, there has been a lot of change in my life. Some of it interesting, some bad...but mostly good. I personally feel as though a veil of fog has been lifting from my eyes and the true colors of people are coming forth. Both good and bad.
A lot of people are terrified of change...or at the least, very hesitant. I don't think it's fair to make blanket statements about whether or not I fear change; it definitely depends on the situation. But this change that is occurring, unintentionally, is the type of change that I can fearlessly embrace.
I suppose you're wondering "what the hell is she talking about?" It's an internal change. There is an acknowledgment of my self-worth that I don't know if I have ever experienced before. I don't know where this is coming from, but it's good. I contemplate the why of it and I think it's multiple reasons:
-I love my job. I don't know if I can say this about jobs I've had in the past, but I love my job. While I have never been fired, I get bored easily at jobs and often quit before I hit the six month mark. I'm approaching 1 year at my current job and I am still not bored. This is an excellent turn of events. I should also note that some projects I've had at work have lead to some serious confidence-boosting situations; I am able to take great pride in what I do and I have had other people recognize my success! Great combination!
-I have stopped worrying so much about how others perceive me. I have begun to take more pride on my personal style and I have quit presenting myself in terms of how I should be according to other people
-Speaking of other people, I have begun to develop the ability to recognize a person's opinion about something I'm doing with my life, consider it, and either dismiss it or accept it, depending on the situation. This is important because normally I am a people pleaser, even if it hurts me. But, as vain as it may sound, I'm worried about making 1) myself happy and 2) my daughter happy. Beyond that, the idea of making other people happy is an impossible task. You can never ever make everyone happy all the time and it's exhausting to even try. So the ability to remove myself from this self-imposed responsibility is a major accomplishment.
-This summer I found out that I made the honor roll at my school. I didn't try that hard - and now I'm able to accept that indeed, I do have a brain in that box attached to my neck.
There are many other little things that have happened this summer, but what it boils down to is the fact that I have been working on my confidence and finally, finally(!) I see myself as what I am - a smart, capable, independent, witty, beautiful woman. I didn't get to this point because other people built me, but because I built myself. I only hope that other people I love can see the beauty within themselves and begin their own personal growth...to begin to blossom on their own terms.
I need to write here more. I shall do this. Especially now that the whole lawn-mowing thing isn't so prevalent.
I haven't written much lately because well, there has been a lot of change in my life. Some of it interesting, some bad...but mostly good. I personally feel as though a veil of fog has been lifting from my eyes and the true colors of people are coming forth. Both good and bad.
A lot of people are terrified of change...or at the least, very hesitant. I don't think it's fair to make blanket statements about whether or not I fear change; it definitely depends on the situation. But this change that is occurring, unintentionally, is the type of change that I can fearlessly embrace.
I suppose you're wondering "what the hell is she talking about?" It's an internal change. There is an acknowledgment of my self-worth that I don't know if I have ever experienced before. I don't know where this is coming from, but it's good. I contemplate the why of it and I think it's multiple reasons:
-I love my job. I don't know if I can say this about jobs I've had in the past, but I love my job. While I have never been fired, I get bored easily at jobs and often quit before I hit the six month mark. I'm approaching 1 year at my current job and I am still not bored. This is an excellent turn of events. I should also note that some projects I've had at work have lead to some serious confidence-boosting situations; I am able to take great pride in what I do and I have had other people recognize my success! Great combination!
-I have stopped worrying so much about how others perceive me. I have begun to take more pride on my personal style and I have quit presenting myself in terms of how I should be according to other people
-Speaking of other people, I have begun to develop the ability to recognize a person's opinion about something I'm doing with my life, consider it, and either dismiss it or accept it, depending on the situation. This is important because normally I am a people pleaser, even if it hurts me. But, as vain as it may sound, I'm worried about making 1) myself happy and 2) my daughter happy. Beyond that, the idea of making other people happy is an impossible task. You can never ever make everyone happy all the time and it's exhausting to even try. So the ability to remove myself from this self-imposed responsibility is a major accomplishment.
-This summer I found out that I made the honor roll at my school. I didn't try that hard - and now I'm able to accept that indeed, I do have a brain in that box attached to my neck.
There are many other little things that have happened this summer, but what it boils down to is the fact that I have been working on my confidence and finally, finally(!) I see myself as what I am - a smart, capable, independent, witty, beautiful woman. I didn't get to this point because other people built me, but because I built myself. I only hope that other people I love can see the beauty within themselves and begin their own personal growth...to begin to blossom on their own terms.
I need to write here more. I shall do this. Especially now that the whole lawn-mowing thing isn't so prevalent.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)