End of a Chapter

This is my last post in this blog.

Yep, my last post.

The entire idea of my blog was to process some struggles and to share the solutions with others who may have the same struggles. We are all people and we all have challenges; no one's challenge is better or worse than anyone else's. We all have a universal struggle to get through life and have some fun along the way.

The last two years have been incredible. I have gone through a huge transition. Without spelling out each and every critical event leading up to this point, the most important thing is, is that I genuinely like myself.

For someone who has always suffered (and still does, to some extent and in some specific areas, but that is human nature) from self-esteem issues, to become in tune with my own wants and needs, respecting my feelings and standing up for myself, I have finally gained the confidence I need to enjoy my life thoroughly.

This blog has served its purpose. I won't delete it; I might have to review it in the future. But at this point, I'm ready to move forward and simply enjoy all the simple things.

Please stay tuned for a new blog; I love writing - it's a great hobby to have. And if I know your address, you'll probably get a card or two (or ten) in the mail as hand writing letters has also become a great hobby.

I hope you have benefited from this blog as it was intended. I wish you all the very best with your lives; they are all beautiful and unique. 

Spring Hath Sprung!

This has been a spring of awakening!

It's been awhile since I've written because I've been busy wrapping up the semester (and my degree!) and I was unfortunately hit with a very icky bout of bronchitis. But now I feel like the pieces of me are being put back together.

The warmer weather has encouraged my daughter and I to head out each evening and walk. We've chosen a trail along a river and it's 45 minutes of chatting, observing, inhaling (I love the smell!), and giggling. There is a rule that I am not allowed to bring my cell phone along; I am perfectly okay with this. We have been watching a little swampy spot, waiting for the frogs to come out...and there is a shoe tree that we always look for. It's a simple activity that relaxes us every time we go out there. I love it. So does she.

This past winter, I really "hermatized" myself. I was so depressed and stressed out over my academics and changes going on in my life that it had gotten to the point where I really only wanted to be around a few people. I didn't want to puke my depression out over everyone. I knew things had to change and that I was the one responsible for it. I reinvigorated my meditation practices and started working out again. And then, fortunately, something clicked in my head and all the happiness and joy that my depression had been holding back like a dam came spilling forward, filling me up with optimism. But what it filled me up with the most was confidence.

I went out a few weeks ago, shortly after the dam breaking, and enjoyed the  company of those who I hadn't seen in ages. I missed them! I have thusly been enjoying the friends whom I had stayed away from.

I think that's important though. I spent time, isolating myself, because I was tired of myself. And I knew that anyone who I let in was going to get an earful about whatever was hurting me. And I know that people experience stress when you linger on a negative emotion. There were a few people who I wanted to stay in touch with and I am incredibly grateful that they stuck around, even though there were so many conversations where all I could do was focus on my anger and misery. I'm sure I was trying and difficult. There was one particular moment when I realized that I was the only one hanging on to that misery and that it was my responsibility to get it together.

And I did. I did it all over my mala beads...I meditated and wrote and blossomed.

It was good to check out for awhile...it was good to focus on my own needs for a bit...and when you do that, you can come back stronger and better...a whole person rather than fragments. And you can rejoin friends and make new ones...fill your life up with positive things and become happy in a very simple way.

Be happy - happy spring!

Value of Yourself

If you know me personally, you'll know that I have been working hard over the last two years to earn another degree; this time in paralegal studies. Things are winding down, wrapping up, and I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life.

I have started to have free time. Legitimate free time. I have been able to call on friends to make plans and I've had time to go out and about. It's amazing as I have been so swamped with things and when I'm not swamped I'm exhausted and so I haven't really gone out much. At all. In fact, I think that my personal isolation has caused some damage to some connections but I have learned to appreciate those who have hung in there for me.

So as this new chapter begins, I realize there are choices to be made. Not bad or good, just choices. In particular, I have thought about making positive choices for myself instead of clinging to bad choices from my past. You see, I woke up one day (metaphor) and felt like I deserved the wealth of good choices. In essence, my confidence had blossomed.

Taking the reigns of your own life and realizing that you're worth all the goodness and beauty that exists is something that I (as well as others who struggle with self-esteem issues) was startled to have found. In fact, it came as such a shock that it has thrown me off balance. And I mean this only in a good way.

So as I wind down the intensity of my education and move forward into the next phase, I have made the decision to leave behind all the mistakes, taking only the lessons as I am a good enough person to not have to carry the weight of the past. And in moving forward, I realize that I am entitled to the profits of good choices; it's amazing how when we do not have self-confidence, we can make bad choices and we do not believe we are able to access what is good in life. But in realizing self-worth, we start to value ourselves. It's such a wonderful thing, honestly.

Last night, my daughter and I were bored. We had completed our homework, we had cleaned up the kitchen and whatnot and we were just not interested in anything around the house. It dawned on me that this is some of the free time I am starting to have and this is an opportunity to make a memory and enjoy life. So we hopped in the car and drove down to a particular path along the river and spent nearly an hour just exploring, walking, giggling, joking, and enjoying the sweet smell in the air and the freedom of a beautiful Monday night.

Such a good life; it's such a good life!

Put Some Trust Out There

Good morning. I haven't written in awhile because I have been quietly observing interactions between people. You know, sometimes I feel like I'm the one being observed in a fish bowl and other times I feel like I'm observing people in a fish bowl. I guess it depends on how I'm feeling.

What I've learned recently is a serious lack of trust between people. You know, we're only people and we all make mistakes. And unless someone is truly evil (which is so rare it shouldn't be taken into consideration), why not try to take what a person says at face value?

I'm talking about trust here. We don't have to put all our trust and faith into one person that maybe we don't really know that well. But instead of completely blowing someone off and ignoring them, what about putting a little faith in them? What about putting a little faith in a stranger? Giving someone the benefit of the doubt opens up new channels of communication as well as potentially new awesome relationships.

I view the inner workings of myself as a house; I have the power to control who comes in and out of my house. In the past, as we all have, I have had some people come into my "house" and trash it. I kick them out and look at the mess they left. As I put lamps upright and vacuum the rugs in my "house", I tell myself "I am never going to let that happen again!" Well, lately I have begun to think that is not a good way to live.

I have had some guests in my "house" that have made some serious messes, I mean, you know, like crapped on the carpets kind of messes. But there is nothing stopping me from throwing out the "rugs" and getting something new. (Please hang on to this metaphor for a bit yet). I can clean up things and make them nice again; I don't have to live in a mess. I can trust MYSELF to keep my "house" tidy again.

All that being said (did you like my metaphor?), I shouldn't lock people out. I should welcome them in and offer them tea or hot chocolate or something. Let them take a seat in my "house." When they start to act up, instead of letting them wreak havoc all over my new carpets and beautiful furniture, I kindly escort them out. It's as simple as that.

Recognizing those who effect my inner workings in a negative way (trash my house), I have started to notice that those who I let in are of a better "type" than before. But all those connections, new, old, and revamped, require trust. Trust more, be suspicious less but be aware of someone who maybe isn't "quite right" for you and your life. Don't be afraid to kindly escort them out the "door."

I bring up trust because I see that our politicians don't trust each other, we can't trust them...we are losing trust and faith in each other. We help each other out less, we don't hold doors for each other. We don't smile at each other and say good morning.

So, clean your "house", invite someone in. Smile at someone walking on the street and if you have the chance, say good morning. I go to the post office every day for work and I try to say good morning to everyone as we come and go. It's a great way to kick off the day and start to help others put trust in others that we are GOOD people. Think about it....

Stress! Ahhhh!

The last few months, I have been under a tremendous amount of stress. And now, recently, the stress seems to have come to a head, or rather, the manifestation of stress has come to a head...in the form of pimples, all over my face. (I'm 30 years old; why am I still breaking out? Shouldn't this have passed years ago?). Fortunately, I have a simple remedy to cure the little jerks; lemon juice and baking powder. It works quite well and is an inexpensive and quick fix.

I started thinking about the source of the stress. It has also shown up by way of poor sleep, a constant feeling of anxiousness, lack of concentration, and a general feeling of discomfort. Prior to the recent onset of the actual stress symptoms, life had been going quite well. However, when I get stressed, I return to some of the not-so-great habits I have developed over the years as unhealthy ways to cope with my stress.

Having identified the source of the stress (senioritis! job search! apartment search! life search!), I can effectively counter these symptoms. The general practice of meditation and leaving room in my life, each day, for some simple quiet time (quiet when I'm washing dishes, getting ready for work, etc...just briefs moments when I am not bombarded with noise), letting myself go to bed earlier and just let my mind slowly unravel in the comfort of my sheets...PLEASURE READING! And just in general, allowing myself the freedom and liberty to enjoy life.

When I go through these stressful periods in my life (as we all do) we tend to get hyperfocused on what NEEDS to be done, not thinking that taking care of ourselves in such simple ways is a necessity. Well, folks, in order to combat the negative effects of all this stress, taking bits of time to do the simplest mindfulness exercises is what will save us from poor sleep, lack of concentration, and, if you're like me, breakouts all over your face!

Being able to do these things, despite the stress all around, helps us remain in that balanced place. I like to envision a long line with a circle; the trick is to try to keep the circle in the middle, but that's not always the case. Sometimes it will slide to the left or the right (or up or down) and that's perfectly okay. But it is important to be mindful of the center and slowly coerce our balance circle back to the middle. That is where the simple exercises aforementioned come into play. They help to move us back to the middle in a slow and healthy manner.

I hope all is well; I appreciate my readers and I find it flattering when you do read my blog. Thank you!

Patience and Grace

I'm just going to put it out there; I had a bad week. Nothing extremely bad but one of those weeks that we all have from time to time when we just can't wait for the day to be over and then when you wake up and realize the next day isn't going well either, you can't wait for that day to get over and so on and so forth.

Prior to having this bad week (which I guess you could say it was more mediocre than anything), I was on cloud 9. Things have been clipping along smoothly. I'm nearing the end of the term (and therefore the end of my degree) and so of course, there are many things that need to be completed. The stress levels have been high but then to top on the bad week which was last week, I felt like the whole Universe was against me.

I felt sorry for myself for a bit, whined and admittedly, I cried. But every night, as I climbed into bed, I thought "okay, that day sucked; tomorrow can be better." And yet, day after day, the days didn't seem to improve. It was just crap!

But then the big lesson dawned on me. Yes, I believe in the old cliche that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but that suggests that rare, big challenges will test our strength. What about the little nuisances? What about stubbing your toe, twice in one night? Realizing you don't have enough eggs for breakfast? Forgetting...anything! Day after day after day...the big lesson here isn't that life is cut and dry into great days and awful days, but the entire variety of in between days. It's the mosquitoes of days, not the bears of days...and I think that figuring out how to manage through is the important part.

So what if there is a mosquito in your bedroom...at 2 a.m....and you can't find it? Then what? It's a heck of a lot easier to be terrified of a bear in your bedroom at 2 a.m. - you can see that guy and basically pee your pants of fright (fortunately I haven't been in this kind of predicament). But how do you manage getting some sleep even though that bug is buzzing around your head? Frankly speaking, I wait for it to land and smack it. Done. And I'm done with that metaphor as well.

I think that learning grace and patience are the two newest items I want to tackle. I lack both. I want to obtain the grace so that I may move through these difficult days without creating bigger problems (like stubbing my toe for the third time) and I want to learn patience in order to understand that rough days are inevitable and having patience to get through it makes it a heck of a lot easier.

The lesson, sure, is that if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger, but the bigger lesson is how are you going to manage the challenge? I choose patience and grace. What do you choose?

Pain, Hurt, Forgiveness...

I believe in karma. I don't know when I started believing in it but it seemed to make sense to me and so I thought that I should try to live in a way where I wouldn't acquire bad karma. For the most part, I have been a good person but I am not going to try to convince anyone that my life has been saintly; a year ago, I think I was the craziest I have ever been. I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself. I was angry and full of rage and pretty much seething. I used this blog to help get some of it out.

It occurred to me awhile back, maybe sometime in the fall (I'm not quite sure and I don't think it matters), that I was running in circles with my desire to "get better." I hadn't really put forth the effort to make significant changes. I was, as they say, doing the same things, expecting different results. That is, in the AA world, the definitely of insanity.

So I stopped. I retreated. I pulled into myself and focused on myself and a lot of that involved learning how to forgive myself for the things I had done to myself and others. I sat, for many months, thinking about what I needed to do, seeking out resources, trying very hard to move forward.

Forgiveness. It's a concept that we're all "familiar" with. I think, though, that we're raised in this world to just automatically give forgiveness when maybe we're not ready to do so. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I think (every time I say "I think", I feel like I should say - "and this is only my opinion") that it is better to wait and thoroughly process the hurt you've incurred and to let that hurt fall away and then forgive thereby forgiving in a very genuine way rather than to just think that the act of forgiveness will automatically make the hurt go away.

We all hurt. We hurt each other. We hurt ourselves. It's human nature. Look at the things that are happening all over the world; however, we have the option, as individuals, of whether or not we're going to make "hurt" part of our daily routine, whether that be hurting ourselves or someone else.

With forgiving someone also comes the allowance to trust that person. When you forgive that person, you are allowing yourself to trust them again, even if just a little bit. And from that little bit, you can let it grow into something more.

Oh, life is a funny thing. It's constantly changing; it's sometimes difficult to live in the moment and not in the past; we carry guilt in a basket on our heads and it fills up...becomes heavy. If we don't empty it from time to time, it will prevent us from moving forward; it's too much. We cannot carry the past; we can only reflect upon it and take the good and prevent the bad from happening again. It's a concept that I have personally struggled with for awhile. But I'm getting there...everyday is a change for something good to happen and to do something good for someone else. Everyday is brand new and full of hope. Every single day and every single moment. Be well friends.

Strength from Within

I have noticed that in the last few months (or year, really, if you think about it), there has been a shift in the people who are in my life. As I change (for the better), I find that some people are loving the change and are completely along for the ride. Others, well, aren't digging it so much. Most of them quietly fade into the background and there are no bad feelings. At least, I don't really feel badly. Life changes; people come and go and that is the natural way of things.

On the other hand, I have noticed in this last year that I have also experienced some negative episodes between myself and others. Well, I should say that it's been more like as I have slowly and quietly moved away from relationships that I feel aren't very beneficial to me or the other person, there has been some backlash.

I am definitely not going to get into specifics, but yesterday was one of those challenging days where I had to decide whether or not I was going to believe the hurtful things that a person was saying to me, about me. Things that really have no real value; low-blows, so to speak.

It was up to me. It was up to me to decide whether or not to believe any of the things he said. Would I allow this person who is obviously coming from a place of hurt, determine my value of self? Was I going to believe him when I told me I'm ugly and unworthy, stupid and so forth? Would I let this person, furious with my decision to "go solo" and expand my life beyond him, change the positive energy I have within me?

If you know me, I think you already know what the answer is. Of course I'm not going to let him determine how I feel about myself. Not even for one moment. A year ago, I don't know if I could have said the same. A year ago I probably would be so upset and so broken apart because of something that someone else said, therefore seeking external validation, feeding (or not feeding) the ego...but now? No.

Can you say the same for yourself? Can you look at yourself in the mirror all while arrows of hate are being shot at you and still remain strong and determined that you are beautiful in exactly who you are? If you can't, it's time to scale back the life for a bit and strengthen what is in the works to being strengthened. You might consider those who you spend time with - are they full of anger and negativity and therefore affecting you?

You know, something that this person said to me was that I was the most self-centered person he'd ever met. Obviously it was an angry statement but it got me thinking. Where is the center of your world? Why, it's right within you! You are the center of the world - of your world. You are, in fact, the center-of-self...therefore, self centered. Of course that's not what he meant, but if you aren't in charge and focused on the improvement of yourself and your world, then what are you?

There is nothing more important than taking care of yourself. It is highly important to make sure you are blooming from within before you can reach out and share your positive energy with others. So it's important to reflect on the anger that others might reflect on to you and decide, honestly and genuinely, that it is not something that you are going to let into the center of your Self. Life is all about a series of endless decisions...make some good decisions today!

Oh, What a World We Live In

There have been quite a few topics on my mind as of late, but this particular issue has come to the forefront of what I need to get "out of my system."

I cannot stand to follow the news. I cannot stand to have conversations with people who are drowning in negativity. I cannot stand to be stuck in the gray and black hues of an oppressive life.

Anyone who has known me for a decent chunk of time knows that I have struggled with my own brand of depression and anxiety; it has been through meditation and Buddhism that I feel as though I am finally budding and blooming into a healthy and wonderful adult; that's the whole point of this blog - I want to share some of it with others and hope they may experience even a small amount of what I have been blessed with over the last year, even through the down parts.

I have been catching stories in the news lately about various acts of slaughter, violence and so forth. I know that people who aren't involved with these violent acts are finding themselves angry and frustrated that this is and has been happening in our society. This behavior is simply senseless.

Unfortunately, the individual has a difficult time stopping mass murder and whatnot. This is where a new theory comes into play. It starts with the Buddhist meditation practice of Loving Kindness. If you practice meditation or are considering it, this practice is an excellent one as you are focusing positive energy onto someone else. However, that's not quite what I'm driving at.

Making a change in the world, i.e., removing the violence, begins with the small acts amongst each other. It begins with smiles and "good mornings" and polite manners of holding doors open. How do you feel when a stranger performs some small act of kindness towards you? I know for me it usually brightens my day and gives me something pleasant to reflect on later in the day.

I am not suggesting we stop our lives just to take up the practice of helping strangers thereby neglecting our usual duties. I am merely suggesting that while we perform our usual duties, we incorporate these small acts of generosity and kindness. The theory is that these small acts will create a ripple effect and help disarm the negativity that surrounds us leading to acts of violence. Forgive the cliche, but smiles are contagious.

If you, as an individual, carry around anger and frustration, what message are you sending off? Yes, there are terrible things happening in the world, but there are good things happening too. You can't march off to Syria and stop the slaughter that is happening there but you can express your love of life and your love for the lives of others (even Syrians) by acting in kindness - others will begin to act in kindness and create a collective; the message send through this behavior will be louder and stronger than any sense of frustration.

Maybe I'm just dreaming of this to happen someday, someday people will love each other again and express this through the small acts. It's part of my life to love, listen, and care...I hope you consider the same. Don't get frustrated at what you can't control; instead, work on what you can control, in your own little life through your own little actions, and be proud of what you can accomplish for others in a single day. Because, friends, that's all we have - today.

My Painting!

Years ago, I was introduced to using art as a way to relieve my anger and stress, my sadness and despair and all those other emotions that sometimes our hearts simply cannot hold. I found my old portfolio with my oil pastel works from a period of time that still means a whole lot to me. What's wonderful is that if you put the oil pastel works in the order that they were created, in a relatively short amount of time (about 4 days) and if you can take into consideration what was going on, you can see a true transformation. I love those works.

I have picked up my brush here and there over the years but haven't been able to define a direction to take my artistic desire to. Well, when I came across these old works, I became inspired again and when taking in the lessons I have learned, I was able to start, complete, and love my most recent work.

It combines art, my travel history (in particular to Australia), and a dedication to a particular type of style. Sure, the thing isn't much to look at but to me, it reflects a new stage of my emotional growth in which I am particularly proud of. The process of the painting required an immense amount of concentration and dedication. It would have been easier to just quit, but I wanted to prove to myself that I could complete it...and I did. And now a whole new world has been reopened.

Most of my friends these days don't realize that once upon a time, art was my escape. I wasn't too bad at it either, but life got in the way and I put my creations aside. I feel alive again, knowing that art is coming back to me.

It's a great relief to have another outlet. Or, rather, to have returned to an outlet. Paint!

Sometimes Love Means Loving Yourself

I have had the experience recently, of being involved with a man who has treated me far superior to men I have dated in the past. There are, of course, all sorts of nit-picky things that I can and have found wrong with the relationship but those weren't the reasons I decided that I should call it off.

I'm sure I hurt him; knowing that hurts me as well. But what was hurting me even more was watching myself become someone I wasn't happy with. I was losing sight of myself.

I have thought about this for awhile and I realized that despite the positive direction the relationship certainly could have continued to go, I wasn't ready for what was available. Sometimes you have to pay attention to what your soul is telling you.

In all my life, I have put a fairly huge emphasis on being with someone. I was married once, chasing that dream of that kind of life. I remember when I came out of that situation feeling like I had failed my dreams, my family, and myself. I dated here and again, and filled in my time since then with one major relationship. It was after that particular relationship that I realized I needed to step away from that entire scene and focus on someone whom I hadn't spent a great deal of time with; myself.

There is the old adage that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. But what does that really mean? Does it mean spa baths and chocolate...does it mean crying until you've beaten yourself down? It could; I'm not going to try to explain what your love of yourself means for you. But for me, it meant building a solid foundation of myself -- of confidence and pride, a small ego, and goals and dreams that are appropriate for me (and my daughter, in this case). So, last summer, I cut my strings of desire for the perfect relationships (a few hiccups aside; I thought I could transform myself even while being involved with someone, but that turned out to be not true). I set out to figure out who I was, what I can become, and what that entails.

I did it; I began to gain a great deal of self confidence and I was relaxed. Meditation helps a great deal; it helps to recognize your emotions and to give them validity. I spent time alone and I spent time with my daughter and friends. I journaled, wrote in this blog, spent time crying, and spent time feeling myself fill up with joy in a way I hadn't ever felt in my short time on this planet.

So, this past winter, when someone did roll into my life, I thought I was ready. I thought I was solid. It was through this experience I realize that my foundation, while having a great start, isn't complete. Maybe it never will be, but I know that there is work that needs to be done. The bricks need to settle and my focus must stay balanced for awhile before I can even consider having my balance knocked around (which is, inevitably, love).

I know I made the right choice; it was scary and I could have had a wonderful relationship and found contentment on some kind of level, but it's not my time. There would only be broken hearts and ruins after a year or two of it and that is not something I want to return to. And it wouldn't be fair to involve someone else in my own personal construction.

My heart and mind are open but they are not ready. I know I will love again. But this love must come from a solid foundation of who I am. I do not want anyone else seeping into the cracks of me, transforming who I am and distorting my personal vision who I am.

If you find yourself in this position, as many people do, do not be afraid to take yourself away for awhile and focus on your own happiness. Love yourself and every bit of you who are before involving the love for and of someone else.

Fresh Start

If you know me personally, you'll know that in a few months I will have completed my program and will be completely available for full-time employment. This is very exciting as I will have the skills (in theory) to have a decent job which should allow me to finally have a comfortable life. I have so say, though, that I sometimes come home and look around and think "gosh, I am so fortunate. I finally have a home that I love coming home to and love being in." So I'm blessed. I worked hard and got to a place, through the assistance of family and friends, where I love my home.

I've been thinking about how when this stress lifts, I'd like to be happier and smile more. I know that sounds weird, but I've always been one of those people that looks perpetually unhappy, regardless of whether or not I am. It's not uncommon for a stranger to tell me to smile or to ask me what's wrong. Well, honey, I haven't known what's "wrong" until recently. There really isn't anything wrong, but I look back on my path and see many mistakes I've made. I also see how some of those mistakes in my behavior and who I am will never shed me and will remain, my rocks of regret, weighing me down.

It has also dawned on me that regardless of who I am now, some of my actions in the past will never be forgiven. Maybe it's in my head but I feel strongly that I've come to a point in my life that requires a fresh start. I cannot expect people to forgive me, but the important thing is to work on forgiving myself. I have come leaps and bounds in that department.

In the last few years I have personally learned so much about myself and found an inner strength I didn't realize I had. I've been meditating on this very thing for awhile now and as much as I enjoy my little home in this little town, I realize that I need to stop existing in this life and find my own life to live. I want to put that smile back on my face everyday...and even though that smile exists right now, I've been damned that I won't ever change. How can one live like that?

So, in accepting this, I realize that the world is my oyster. I can go anywhere and live well. It's a kind of freedom that I wasn't aware I could ever have! Some times, I think, no matter what you do, the very best thing is to take the lessons you've learned, live them, and allow yourself a fresh start. Which is exactly what I'm going to do.

Quiet

When things become filled up with more things and more things and more things...doing and doing and doing...we forget the let ourselves settle and be quiet. Just for a moment or two. Just to let it all disappear as if it never existed in the first place. Then the reality of it all can sink in and the volume of it settles into a quiet priority, nothing of which we cannot handle.

Focus. Quiet. Still the brain. Let in only what is important and let the rest flow around you. For a moment, sit and be a rock in the water...do not open yourself to what is not important.

Quiet.

Let People Change

I most likely have blogged about this particular topic before, but I think it's important to keep it in mind. I have had a few recent occurrences which make it important to realize that regardless of past circumstances, people can and do change, if they so desire.

We all have things in our past that we are not proud of. Fortunately, we are unable to jump in a time machine and go back to make changes - we'd live in the past forever! No, instead, we have to try to move on from those sometimes painful memories.

It's important to have faith - have faith that we can change, if we really want to. It's important to have faith in others that they can also change. It's important to want to let people change. If you don't believe a person has changed, have you forgiven them? Can you forgive them? Does forgiveness equal giving a person the room, in your mind, to change? Or will they stay the same, even if you have forgiven them? I do not personally believe you can forgive someone without giving them the room to change behavior.

I have been on both sides of this coin; I have been unable to believe that a person can change and I have also been accused that I will never change. (It's kind of nice to prove people wrong sometimes!). I realize how my inability to see that people can change is very limiting.

It boils down to a very simple idea: when you are asked for forgiveness, give the forgiveness, embrace the goodness, and let go of their fouls. What are you if you only focus on the bad that a person has done in the past? What good will that do?

Granted, some people have hurt us so badly to the point where maybe we don't want to have them in our lives. I think that's perfectly okay. Sometimes only time and proof of change will make us believe; but when time has passed and the change is real, let yourself believe it. Is it possible? Absolutely.

If the harm that was caused upon you was so bad, then perhaps it is fine for you to let that person out of your life. That is also okay; there are no rules anywhere saying you have to be friends with everyone. You are your number one and no matter what you've got going on in your life, job, kids, home, husband, whatever...you are the most important person in your life and you have got to take care of yourself before you begin to take care of others. If a person stresses you out and causes anxiety, then perhaps it is best to let that relationship go. Make sure it's not personal, though - understand fully why you are letting this person go and forgive them in letting them go. Associating anger and hurt with that person will make that pain linger for a long, long time, regardless of whether or not they are in your life.

It would be nice if everyone always learned their lesson, but they don't always learn it right away or in a way that we feel is appropriate. Give forgiveness...give people the ability to change and leave room in your head and heart so that they may change in your eyes.

Bring In More Smiles!

Pretty much if you read my little blog here, you know me personally. You know that I am a mom, a student, an employee...you know my plate is full and I give my all to each area of my life.

Lately, I have found myself surrounded in negativity. It's shocking that I have allowed this in; it's disturbing that I have let it affect me. No matter what the issue, I am ultimately responsible for how events effect my emotions. Being bombarded by negativity can chip away at you...and I have decided that enough is enough.

I started my search to bring in more positive "stuff." I found some things that I thought were kind of hokey but I found a few things that seem really relevant and worthwhile. I think we all get the general idea: hang out with people who are positive, shut out those who aren't; do nice things for yourself, etc. But the one idea that popped up that I hadn't considered before was to create a "Good Book."

The "Good Book" is not the bible, at least not for this project. It's a small notebook that you fill up with all sorts of positive things; a happy fortune from a fortune cookie, a love note, a post card from a friend, song lyrics you like, quotes that make you smile, etc.

I started my "Good Book" last night. It's very personal so I'm not going to share much of what is in there but I put a dozen items in there, things I had been keeping anyway because they make me smile, and it was really pleasant to go back and look at these things. It brings up happy memories and reminds me of those who love me and I love back.

While it's easy to focus on negative experiences, putting together my "good book" helped me refocus on all of the positive things I have going on in my life. If you struggle with focusing on negativity, I highly recommend putting together a good book for yourself. Keep it in your purse or your night stand and have a look at it when you're feeling low. Think of one good thing that has happened during the day, especially the bad days, and consider adding it to the book.

And if you want to share with others, create things for them to put in their good book; surprise a friend with a postcard in the mail, share an inspirational quote, draw a beautiful little picture and think about how you can put a smile on someone else's face and help them fill up their good book!

I'm a big cry baby....

The occasional emotional meltdown, I think, is no big deal. I think it's important to, even as adults, give in to our childish inner self that sometimes whines "why meeee why MEEEE?!" When you've cried your eyes out, you can reassemble yourself back into an adult and take a few steps forward.

One must be careful, however, when one has the occasional emotional meltdown. If it happens around someone else, they can become scared and nervous. But sometimes the meltdown can only happen in the presence of another. As long as that "other" can understand that it's not a reflection of them or what they're doing, then it should be, in theory, okay, if you feel comfortable enough with that person to allow yourself to express that kind of heavy emotional turmoil.

When I'm alone and dealing with the mountains of stress upon my shoulders (single mom-ness, full time student-ness, and employee-ness coupled with my inner demons), I find that sitting on the kitchen floor (and sometimes laying on the kitchen floor, assuming it's not too dirty) and crying, some how grounds me.

You know, when you fall apart like that...when everything seems like you can't handle it, can't juggle it, crying sometimes, I think, is the best thing to do. Just cry it out and whine about how it sucks...it's not going to change anything, but I know for me it helps.

Sometimes when my stress level is high, I work out. Sometimes I'll try to get together with a friend for lunch. But sometimes it's just too much and the tears are the only option. You end up sleeping better at night and waking up feeling refreshed and more in control of the things you have to take on.

At least, that's the way it goes for me.

Quieting the Mind

The last few weeks has been incredibly chaotic; the holidays, the end of a school semester, doing some major housework and so on. While I have abandoned the usual schedule, some things have not left my mind. And now, this mid-part through January, it is time to resume personal organization.

One of the things that has escaped me, much to my dismay, is the ability to quiet the mind for a few moments each day. Meditation has become an important part of my day but over the last few weeks, I haven't made the time to be still; here and there, yes, but not daily. My stress level hasn't exactly been elevated due to this lack of meditation, but I can tell a difference.

So of quieting the mind; I finally took the time last night to simply be quiet. I had come home from a very busy and fruitful weekend and there had been a lot of external stimulation. So I set the tea kettle on and sat quietly for a few moments, embracing the quiet laced throughout my house. And I didn't think about anything. It wasn't exactly meditation, but I wasn't doing anything. Finding that kind of peace and quiet internally is important but yet it's so easy to ignore it or let it go.

Now that the holidays are tucked behind us and a normal schedule is about to resume, I think it's important to re-incorporate meditation practices into my life. So I have to ask, do you take time each day to think about nothing or in the least to think about those things in your life that you are appreciative? Do turn the external stimulation off and listen to...nothing? I know that for me, this is important and I have neglected it. While the damage has been minimal, it is still there, nonetheless. I find myself anxious and impatient and I neglect to live in the moment and enjoy what I have inside of each day. My brain starts spinning and I lose track of where I'm at and what I'm trying to do.

Deep breath...exhale...meditate and quiet the mind. Focus on nothing or one positive thing. Do not think of what needs to be done or what you want. Simply enjoy a few minutes each day, allowing your brain to defrag.

Everyone Has a Battle to Fight

Some of you may know that I play guitar (poorly). I have a beautiful little Seagull guitar that I absolutely love. She's my baby. And as I type this, I am reminded of the pain she sometimes gives me when I don't pick her up for awhile. My fingers are sore, but it all has to do with the song I wrote last night.

The song is about struggling, which everyone is familiar with. I'm not going to focus this blog about the song, but rather the subject of the song.

I get annoyed very easily with people who seem to do stupid things. This is something I don't really like about myself. I wish I had more patience and empathy but I simply don't. It's something I'm working on. So something I try to focus on is the fact that everyone has problems. Everyone. No one is exempt from having issues. When I see someone doing or saying something that seems absolutely dumb to me, I try to think of why they might think/do that; I remind myself that people haven't had the experiences I have had and so they don't necessarily have the knowledge base that I have. Like when I was explaining to someone that it's not daylight all the time, year round, in Alaska; they thought it was. I explained to them that it wasn't.

On the flip side of that, I also try to remind myself that I also haven't had their life experiences; I don't know where everyone is coming from. This is something I struggle with; the empathy part. Especially when driving. My patience is thin when I'm driving and I'm kind of tired of bad driving etiquette. But what I have to remind myself is that people aren't necessarily "out to get me" or anyone else on the road (although you'll see in the news that that is not always the case either! Ha!). So I breathe deeply and try to focus on what I'm doing and not what they're doing.

Long story short, it's important to focus on the fact that a) we don't all share the same life experiences so we henceforth experience life at different levels and that b) the different ways in which we experience life bear no weight on struggling more or less than someone else.

We all struggle; we all have problems. It's part of this little game we play called being human. It's important to respect other people's struggles and not compare your own. Sometimes it's difficult, but it's very important. Comparison makes the struggle harder and we lose focus on getting through whatever it is we're dealing with. Keep a clear head and focus on the task at hand and remember that we all have ups and downs and we are all playing the same game.

Show Me The MONEY!

I had a conversation about money the other day. The person I was speaking with claims that he hates money. His story is probably fairly common; he had the money one day and then the next, it was all gone. He'd worked very hard for his money and it was easily a representation of that hard work. I am not going to go any further into the details of that situation; I have summed it up well enough.

I understand why he hates money. But I don't think that has to be the way it is. There are many sayings about money; it makes the world go round, you're nothing without money, show me the money and so on.

I neither hate nor love money. Money is the means with which we live in this modern society. It is false to hate or love money.

Money is something to be very pragmatic about. It is merely a tool in the way we live; money allows us choices in our lifestyle.

When figuring out how much money you need to survive and to live the way you would like to, first you have to determine how you want to live. There is not right or wrong way to live. The only wrong way to live is a way in which you are not satisfied; the whole keeping-up-with-the-Jones' is a waste of energy and only causes unnecessary stress. What I mean by this is to simply find contentment in the way you choose to live. The ideal lifestyle runs the gamut; some wish to live off the grid and work the land with their hands. Others prefer high rise condos with the twinkling lights of the city. And there are many many styles in between. So before you decide to work your tail off and save a pile of money, you need to figure out what you're piling that money up for.

Then of course, once that's done, you can proceed to use the money to provide the lifestyle you choose for yourself. I'm not sharing any new and startling information here but I do think it's important to understand money and why and how we use it. I'm certainly not the best at handling my income and I will never claim to be any kind of financial whiz; the point is to respect your money and use it appropriately.

This whole idea of having money to provide a satisfying lifestyle is the exact reason why I chose to return to school and further my career. My lifestyle choices require earning more money than I currently do. So, with that in mind, I choose to suck it up for a bit, work hard at my education, and then I'll be able to proceed with my fancy sheets and travel plans. I'm a sucker for airplanes and high thread count organic cotton. But those are my choices and I am happy with them; I have to respect this about myself.

So what do YOU choose? What brings quality to your life?

Meditation Weekend

I am looking forward to some new discoveries this weekend. I'm leaving the safe hub of my town and heading north to be next to Lake Superior for a few days. While I'm up there, I'll be seeing old friends and spending time with a very special new friend; I'll be visiting some historic sites and generally just enjoying kind of a "grown-up" vacation.

However, the main reason I'll be up there is to retreat and spend some time in meditation. I am not very good at meditation but I have been able to do it many, many time. I'm just bad at maintaining and do meditation on a regular basis. And I don't know why since I know how good it makes me feel to "wake" from a meditation session.

When I meditate, as many beginners do, I focus on what I like to call my "orb." My orb it a softball sized visual of a round glowing sphere. It metaphorically sits between my ribs and glows in different colors according to my mood. That part I do not control; when I sit to meditate, the orb's color will simply appear. It's very insightful to see what color it is as that speaks highly of what is going on in my subconscious mind.

The other important thing about doing north to Duluth is the power of Lake Superior. I read or heard somewhere there are some kind of magnetic fields or some kind of polarizing effects that Lake Superior have on people. I am not the only one who feels the pull of Lake Superior. Others have claimed to feel like they're "put back together" when they go up to the big lake. If you aren't aware of where or what Lake Superior is, it is the largest freshwater lake in the world. If you are on my friends list on Facebook, you might be able to see some pictures from various trips up the north shore. I also enjoy Grand Marais, MN; just moments from the Canadian border, far far up the shore.

I think that taking a little time from our busy schedules to focus just on yourself  and sort of "defragmenting your hard drive" is important. Last summer I took my first solo camping trip and it was one of the most amazing times I've ever had. I did exactly what I wanted, when I wanted to do it and so on. It was amazing. I look forward to the next solo camping trip. Discovering that I can do something like that by myself was a very empowering moment. It's also empowering to recognize that it is okay to take time out for yourself - we are all human and maintaining the balance of work, home, friends, family, etc, can take a toll on your mental peace.

I look forward to writing about my trip; to share the effects it will have on me so that maybe you'll be convinced to take time out for yourself, by yourself.

2012

For several weeks now I've been thinking about what I could possibly say about time handing itself into a new year. I thought about what happened in 2011 and what I can do in 2012. There's so much to say and yet it all seems so unnecessary. We all know that we want to improve on our lives; in appearance, love, career, etc. But is it necessary to mark January 1st as the day we begin all this?

There are two things I want to share in this blog entry today. The first is that every day is the potential for resolution. Leading a healthier life, working towards improving your career, and all the other things we want "better" in our lives are affected by the choices we make everyday. So, in a nutshell, consider the improvements you can make within each day and live fully inside each day.

The second issue I want to mention is in reflection of various bits I have read; specifically the whole idea of kissing 2011 goodbye because it "sucked" in some way or another. Did it really? Are anger, frustration, and disappointment the emotions mustered by a year gone by, filled with shortcomings, failures, break ups, job losses, etc? Might I put a different spin on things? You see, each failing has a lesson inside of it -- a lesson that can be taken away from 2011 in a positive light. If you didn't lead that healthier lifestyle in 2011, so what? You can start it today, right now, instead of dwelling on what you didn't do in 2011. Did you have to deal with a broken heart? What about opening your heart for a new love, the love for yourself!

It's hard to write about the new year without sounding like some kind of cliche, so I'm keeping this one short. It's simply a matter of loving yourself everyday, building on the past, and planning for the future.