I wanted...a cigarette.

I wanted a cigarette in the worst way last night.  The beautiful inhale...the curled smoke on the exhale...the instant gratification feeling of relaxation....it'd been 2.5 days since my last cigarette. 
I blame the movie.  My mother and I saw "The King's Speech" and they smoked a lot in the movie.  Now granted, that was just how it was back then, but man, I wanted a smoke.  I left the theater thinking, turn right - gas station and an $8.50 pack of my favorite cigarettes.  Turn left, get in car, go home, GO TO BED.
I had to remind myself that I wasn't quitting because it was expensive to smoke, though it is, I was quitting because my body is MINE and I need to protect it.  And that brings in the entire reason I'm building this blog.  I say building, because it's more than just writing random thoughts - it's bringing together all of the things in my life that I want to improve.  And believe me, there are a lot. 
But - I am only one woman and I only have the moment I am living in and the future to look forward to. 

I skipped the cigarette because I KNEW I wanted to run when I got up in the morning and having that cigarette would make it much more difficult.  I was thinking about the future, rather than thinking about the stress in the past that would make me want to have that cigarette. 
Aside from the obvious right-thing-to-do, I was able to get up and run more than ever...a whopping .85 miles.  This is no small task for someone carrying the extra weight of a 5 year old kid and muscles almost atrophied from my recently sedentary lifestyle. 

This is my first post.  I've been on the fence about this for awhile - I want to blog.  I want to get my thoughts out.  Journaling doesn't do it for me.  And there have been many, many things that have happened over the last year that have gotten me to this point.  Perhaps subsequent entries will reveal the challenges I've overcome, but for now, I'm going to keep it simple.

I woke up a few weeks ago and realized that I was unhappy with everyone in my life.  I hated everyone.  And the more I tried to stop hating, the harder it became.  And then I realized, it's not THEM I hate...it's ME that I hate.  And when I was able to look inward, I saw that I hated my body, my ideas, my intelligence....that I was so imperfect that how could ANYONE possibly love me?  After a wonderful weekend with someone I love, and coming home and returning to the self-hatred, I KNEW I had to do something.  I needed to have a love affair with myself. 
It's not about buying myself stuff...it's not about a gallon of chocolate ice cream...it's about perfecting my temple, opening my mind and respecting myself, learning to fully love myself, inspite of the setbacks and whatnot and to keep my eyes looking towards the future, rather than lingering in the past. 
I've sent my link to only a few people right now because, well, I'm not sure how this is going to go and I'm not sure who I want to know everything.  But, just like anything, I need to start somewhere.

Thanks for reading!