The subject of my current state of mind has come up a lot recently. That is - in my own thought processes. A lot has changed in my life, for the better. I get up, everyday, on time, allowing myself to hit "snooze" only two times. I dress in my workout clothes and turn on the coffee pot that I've set up the night before. One cup of coffee and then I'm off to work out. It's a beautiful morning. I can depend on it; it usually doesn't let me down.
So after a particularly successful run this morning, I'm icing my knee and considering the extreme views on life that I take. I have had the following labels applied to me - and I asked for honesty. I'm in this entire process of stripping myself down to the foundation, finding the cracks, and fixing them. So if the beams are rotted, let me know. The labels include "uptight," "intense," "dramatic," "stressed..." I think you get the point. And the thing is, I can agree with all of those statements. I don't really care for those labels to be applied to me. But at the same time, I am who I am - labels and all.
Labels are an easy thing to stick on a person when you're too lazy to get to know them. The people I asked to "label" me are not lazy. They are dear friends who knew what I was getting at. But if those are the instant labels that OTHER people put on me, without getting to know me, then that is clearly what I'm reflecting from somewhere inside myself, no matter what might be going on for real.
I cannot change how people see me - I know that I can only change myself. But the motives for change have to be genuine. After sometime, I realize that I don't really want to change for anyone except myself. Cliche statement, of course, but it's true. I want to wake up every morning and feel beautiful and charming to myself. I want to wake up and see an intelligent capable woman in the mirror. And frankly speaking, I have begun to see that. And it's awesome.
In this entire process - the relationships I have with people - there seems to be three schools of people in my life. There is a new wave of people I'm attracting and I really like it. Intelligent, capable, witty - and fun! And they stick around long enough to see the value in me. They even see a glimpse of it because I'm learning to project my inner feelings in an outward manner.
Then there are the people who can see the change, minimally, because they don't really care that much (which is fine - I'm not saying that in a negative way - just in the way that they're not very connected in my life. You know, the acquaintances we have). They see the change, from time to time and in some cases, they may end up becoming genuine friends.
The third sort of person in my life is the one who is not willing to allow me to change. There are several of these in my life right now and it's almost like they're poison. But this is not a one-sided thing; I have been the one to set up the failure of me in their eyes. However - if they are incapable of seeing the change within me, or doubting me - then that is their own handicap and there is nothing that I can do to convince them otherwise. In fact, the action of making a verbal declaration of change does nothing to help me change and actually makes me take steps backwards. It's self-defeating.
When you look in the eyes of these people, you realize that, according to them, you will always be "crazy" or "foolish and silly" or some other negative term, no matter how much you've moved forward. And if you keep that person in your life, holding such a negative frame around you, can you actually change? If THAT is who you are, to them, and there is no indication of your change upon them, then you have not changed. You have acknowledged that you're willing to accept those negative labels in your relationship with them.
How important is this person to you? How important are you to yourself in keeping your sanity? How many times will you go around and around with this person who cannot and will not allow you grow as a person, in their idea of you - in a way, they're holding you back. But you're the one sticking around, taking the abuse and the disregard.
You HAVE changed and anyone telling you you have not, is content with how things were "before." It's also an excuse not to develop a deeper relationship with someone.
After many conversations, I realize that in one particular person's eyes, I don't think I will ever be anything more than a crazy girl. It's disappointing, yes, but it's time to move forward. There are labels to me, yes, but I'm peeling them off and I don't need anyone picking those labels up off the ground and sticking them back on me.
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