I think I have discussed the whole idea of self esteem in the past but a few interesting things have happened over the past few weeks that I feel important and relevant to my personal growth and self acceptance and whatnot.
I have, for quite some time, been told that my expectations of other people are "too high." You know, they might be. But when I reflect on what I think is appropriate, what I want, and how I want to live life, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be allowed to think and feel the way I do. When I am asked to lower my expectations, I see what happens - what the new expectation is - and I do not like the results. I feel as though I am not being respected; that what is important to me isn't important at all or perhaps that it's not worthy.
Through this all, though, I have learned that my expectations are not too high but that I have expected too much from the wrong people. I have also learned that my life is good and worthy and excellent and I should enjoy it exactly the way it is. I should be proud of the things I have accomplished and the direction I am headed; my expectations are not too high, they never have been, but the secret to this mystery is that I haven't, until now, had the confidence to stand by what I believe in.
The whole idea of a "high expectation" is clearly displayed in my dating life. I have had the opportunity to go out with several seemingly decent guys. They have good jobs, they own their homes, are educated, etc. But when it comes down to it, there are telling signs that I am simply not comfortable with. Example: the other night, I had a date. I knew that we were going on a dinner cruise on the Mississippi. I asked specifically what kind of dress was expected; I was told that it wasn't anything more formal. I explained to the gentleman what I would be wearing; a nice shirt or sweater and some nice jeans and whatnot. For the date, I wore a cozy black sweater, did my hair up nicely, makeup, etc. I looked nice. I felt good. I did NOT feel good when my date showed up in a slightly stained tshirt and ill-fitting jeans. I did NOT feel god when my date belched. And there were other things.
I asked myself if I was being shallow and the more I thought about it the more I realized that no, in fact, I am not being shallow. If this guy feels that this is appropriate attire for one of the first dates, during the phase where we're still trying to impress each other, etc, I do not want to know what the future holds. In relationships, we always put our best foot forward for the first couple of months; we're still trying to sell the deal, right? I don't want to feel like I am the type of girl who would go for someone with that kind of standard for himself. Is that his best foot forward? No thanks!
I have worked hard on my self esteem and what I do and don't deserve and I deserve to be with a gentleman who is as excited to be involved with me and therefore motivated to put his best foot forward, as do I, during the early courtship phase of a relationship. I also feel as though the man I'll end up with will have excellent self esteem where he feels it necessary to dress appropriately for things like dinner cruises and will hide his belches and whatnots. This man will take pride in his life in all aspects and that will reflect in his smile, his appearance, his conversation.
Perhaps my expectations are too high for a lot of people. But I'd rather adhere to my personal doctrine and be alone than to settle for someone who thinks poorly of himself, thinks poorly of me, doesn't feel the need to make an effort and so on. I have spent enough time in my young life with people who have poor self-esteem in some way or another and I think that I have settled for this in the past because of my own personal lack of self esteem. But this is not the case anymore. I genuinely enjoy my own company. And I am attractive, smart as a tack (well, I have my moments - ha!), and I'm all the things that I'll allow myself to be - and THAT is hot.
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