Depression

Depression is one of the worst situations a person can find themselves in. It's silent...it can creep up on you and you don't realize you're in the throes of a depression until that morning when you just can't get out of bed...or a coworker says something and you just can handle it...depression.

I make no bones about my own battles with this horrible disease. In fact, the last few weeks I've been stuck in my own glut of depression and I feel like I'm trying to claw my way up and out of it and I'm finding very little relief. Normally I don't write about stuff that is this personal, but I feel it is important and relevant.

I don't believe there is a single person who doesn't experience some kind of depression at least once in their lives. Most people handle it just fine and get through it. There are plenty of resources out there but what do you do when you're a person, like myself, who is constantly battling cycles of depression?

There isn't much, except to just get through each day as it comes at you and hold on to hope that eventually it will get better.

I feel often, when things get like this, that I'm literally fighting form my life. And what sucks about this is if I had a bloody gunshot wound or was battling cancer or something, people would jump up to help me; however, I have to keep silent about it. I mean, I don't have to, but I do because I feel the thing that many feel - embarrassed, ashamed, foolish, whiny, etc. I want to tell people that I feel awful and the only thing that would really help right now (aside from chocolate) is a big hug and someone to just sit there and commiserate with me. But I don't do that, personally, because I don't want to bring others down. And most are shocked when I tell them that I'm depressed - "I had no idea; you seem so normal." Well, I hide it well as do most depressives.

So how do you get through it...again...and again...and again...well, personally, I focus on my daughter. I focus on her and how I can be a better mom and how I have to be a better mom for her. I have also explained to her that when the depression hits, that I'm "sick" - I don't want her to be confused or think that it's her fault.

Secondly, I do not try to supplement my feelings with superficial fulfillment; I do not splurge on clothes I think will make me feel better. I do not engage in activities that can ultimately be harmful. I do not drink (I honestly don't recall the last time I had a drink! I think I might have had a beer at the beginning of October...but don't hold me to that). I instead have incorporated light therapy into my morning schedule. I have also (with the assistance of friends) researched supplements that can help (namely fish oil, vitamin B12 and magnesium). I also force myself to work out even though I really, really don't want to. But I know that when I get to about three minutes into my workout, I'm off and I feel good. I've also made drastic changes in my diet, returning to veganism.

But the most important thing I have incorporated into my life is the fact that I know things suck right now but they will get better. This will not last forever. It will happen again, yes, but I have the strength to get through it. This is the most important thing to remember in trying to get through this.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
     -Emily Dickinson

This poem came to me while watching "A Wrinkle in Time" with my daughter; I liked a quote and when I looked it up it turned out to be an Emily Dickinson poem. Love!

I also love a particular song that I just came across a few days ago. To me, it's like that big hug that I so desperately need:

If you have depression issues, don't think you are alone; you are not. Remember that many around you are depressed for whatever reason - and we all struggle with it at some point in time. If you need, you can email me (not that I'm an expert or anything). Don't be ashamed.