Pain, Hurt, Forgiveness...

I believe in karma. I don't know when I started believing in it but it seemed to make sense to me and so I thought that I should try to live in a way where I wouldn't acquire bad karma. For the most part, I have been a good person but I am not going to try to convince anyone that my life has been saintly; a year ago, I think I was the craziest I have ever been. I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself. I was angry and full of rage and pretty much seething. I used this blog to help get some of it out.

It occurred to me awhile back, maybe sometime in the fall (I'm not quite sure and I don't think it matters), that I was running in circles with my desire to "get better." I hadn't really put forth the effort to make significant changes. I was, as they say, doing the same things, expecting different results. That is, in the AA world, the definitely of insanity.

So I stopped. I retreated. I pulled into myself and focused on myself and a lot of that involved learning how to forgive myself for the things I had done to myself and others. I sat, for many months, thinking about what I needed to do, seeking out resources, trying very hard to move forward.

Forgiveness. It's a concept that we're all "familiar" with. I think, though, that we're raised in this world to just automatically give forgiveness when maybe we're not ready to do so. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I think (every time I say "I think", I feel like I should say - "and this is only my opinion") that it is better to wait and thoroughly process the hurt you've incurred and to let that hurt fall away and then forgive thereby forgiving in a very genuine way rather than to just think that the act of forgiveness will automatically make the hurt go away.

We all hurt. We hurt each other. We hurt ourselves. It's human nature. Look at the things that are happening all over the world; however, we have the option, as individuals, of whether or not we're going to make "hurt" part of our daily routine, whether that be hurting ourselves or someone else.

With forgiving someone also comes the allowance to trust that person. When you forgive that person, you are allowing yourself to trust them again, even if just a little bit. And from that little bit, you can let it grow into something more.

Oh, life is a funny thing. It's constantly changing; it's sometimes difficult to live in the moment and not in the past; we carry guilt in a basket on our heads and it fills up...becomes heavy. If we don't empty it from time to time, it will prevent us from moving forward; it's too much. We cannot carry the past; we can only reflect upon it and take the good and prevent the bad from happening again. It's a concept that I have personally struggled with for awhile. But I'm getting there...everyday is a change for something good to happen and to do something good for someone else. Everyday is brand new and full of hope. Every single day and every single moment. Be well friends.