Quiet

This past weekend has been one of learning on a much deeper level than I ever expected to achieve.  I have somehow accepted quiet into my being and I'm finding it a very relieving state of existence.

I have been studying a number of things lately, primarily Buddhism.  What it is bringing to me is a sense of inner peace that I don't know I have ever seen within myself.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That's the surprising part - a sort of thing like this, you expect it to take slow effect and to make its way in eventually.

Something happened this past weekend.  I won't go into the details because the details are unimportant.  I knew I would be running into a person that I have hurt a lot in the past (and who, in turn, has hurt me a lot as well).  Knowing myself well enough, I assumed to feel anger, hurt, betrayal, frustration - all the usual elements of my emotions towards this person.  Instead, on seeing him, I felt a wave of compassion.  My immediate wants were not there; I expected to see him and be angry - I expected to want to say horrible things (knowing this, I had prepared myself to combat those feelings and NOT say or do harmful things; it was never my intention).  Instead, I felt a strong, overwhelming urge to hug him and to simply be next to him.  It was a confusing moment and it left me feeling very strange. 

The event where I was when I saw this man...it was a place special to him.  I knew that if I stayed, I ran the risk of reverting to my old self that would cause harm (either to myself or him).  This new feeling compelled me to move forward and away from his enjoyable experience.  I spoke to him, wished him well, and declined an invitation to stay.  I explained that it would be better for me to be alone and that I wanted him to enjoy his time with his friends without the complications that might arise from me being there.  We hugged and I walked away.

Since then, I have felt a sense of serenity.  I don't know what could possibly happen from this point and that doesn't really matter.  I am existing in the moment and allowing myself to feel emotions without putting them aside, squishing them down, or ignoring them. 

In our Western World, we are often told that our feelings are not valid - especially negative feelings. We are taught to "let it go" and "get over it."  This is the core problem.  We feel what we feel and to try to make things any different than what they are is a lie to ourselves.  It is important to acknowledge what we are feeling, exactly when we are feeling it, and realize that it is only the moment that we feel it.  It is not all-consuming.  It is not defining.  It simply is.

I left for home feeling satisfied that I didn't want anything.  I felt well, knowing that I was just being in the moment.  I felt self-assured that I was finally taking the time to be completely honest with myself and allowing myself to feel whatever it was that I was feeling.

I have no plans for the future, in an emotional sense.  I am completely satisfied with just being in the moment.  The "want" is gone - at least, today it is.  And that is the first step - not pushing through today to get to tomorrow when tomorrow may be taken away from us.  The future is always there - it's not going anywhere, but the moment is now and is not to be ignored.  When you exist in the moment, I have learned, it seems as though the greed and desire for a better future is gone.  The moment is beautiful, just as it is.