I've been excited about an epiphany I had several weeks ago. I've been wanting to write it in this blog, but I've had a difficult time figuring out exactly how to write what I'm feeling and what I've discovered. I'll give it a whirl and see if I am able to communicate my theories.

I have always struggled with my desire to receive validation from others, especially men. I'll admit it - it's a problem. I have held myself to perceived expectations from others and it has hurt me many times to see that even when I believe I have achieved these self-imposed expectations, I do not get the "reaction" from the other person that I somehow feel I am entitled to. So I walk away, with my ego feeling bruised.

In the last year, I have learned to recognize when I am reaching for external sources of validation. Instead, I have looked to myself for validation. Are my grades good enough for me? Do I look good enough according to my own standards? Am I a good enough mom according to what I feel? This worked for awhile but then I realized that I had expectations that I could not reach every time. I felt like a failure again.

I started to examine this, especially before and after meditation. I pondered why I was feeling like a failure in nearly all aspects of my life, even though I know full well that I am not. How can I rid myself of feeling miserable?

Two terms came up; validation and expectations. These are two very harmful terms if not used properly. They go hand-in-hand; if you expect validation, it is based on achieving some kind of expectation - the recognition of success in some form or another.

There are external expectations - things you're supposed to do at work, how you are supposed to behave in public; you work hard and get that promotion and raise...you help an elderly person cross the street and feel good as he or she thanks you...those are normal forms of validation for your expectation.

Then there are internal expectations - these can be harmful. Western psychology has taught us to "self-talk" ourselves into feeling good. That sometimes works and sometimes it works well for some people. You know the "I'm smart enough, I'm good enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!" type of talk. I have discovered that when you stand in front of the mirror and try to tell yourself you look good, you are setting an expectation of yourself to say that you look good - and you know, maybe you don't look good! Maybe you drank too much the night before or you're sick or something and you just do not feel that you look good. If you try to tell yourself that you look good when you don't, you're setting up an expectation to feel a way that you cannot and therefore, you have failed yourself. You walk away feeling even worse than you look!

I proposed to remove all feelings of expectations and all forms of validation. When those feelings of expectations are removed from every fiber of your soul, you can find peace. I developed a physical exercise to help visual this.

Stand up with your hands raised over your head, fingertips touching. Feel the pressure outside of your arm-circle...imagine those are the expectations of external sources - parents, employers, teachers, etc...then visualize the space inside your arms as the "reactions" to those expectations...feelings of accomplishment AND failure. You can feel the pull of gravity after awhile...and you realize you cannot take on the responsibility of those external expectations for too long or else your arms will ache and you will collapse.
Next place your hands on your head. The same weight on your arms...visualize that those are your own expectations - the self-talk stuff; and the smaller space in your arms still hold the feelings...personal feelings of failure and accomplishment. There is less space to feel negativity, but there still is space. And since your head is supporting the weight of your arms, you can hold this longer. You will still tire after awhile and you'll have to bring your arms down, succumbing to gravity.
Lastly, bring your arms down and hug yourself. Yes, I know this sounds kind of cheesy. When you hug yourself, you can hold onto yourself indefinitely. You have removed the pressures of expectations and validation. You have eliminated the space within yourself to feel good or bad about what you may or may not have done. Those emotions are, figuratively speaking, empty. You have reached your true self...you have reached peace..your emotions are calm and you can recognize the most basic needs. You are able to acknowledge that you feel something and it's based on nothing except the moment.

It's almost a feeling of nirvana. It is wonderful. It is wonderful because it is nothing. And the nothing is everything. Your needs become primary and they have nothing attached to them. They are simply needs that need to be met...there is no failure and no accomplishment.


My friend, I hope you can experience this at sometime in your life. It is a beautiful feeling. Emotional stress is all gone...and you just are. Good luck.