I have had the experience recently, of being involved with a man who has treated me far superior to men I have dated in the past. There are, of course, all sorts of nit-picky things that I can and have found wrong with the relationship but those weren't the reasons I decided that I should call it off.
I'm sure I hurt him; knowing that hurts me as well. But what was hurting me even more was watching myself become someone I wasn't happy with. I was losing sight of myself.
I have thought about this for awhile and I realized that despite the positive direction the relationship certainly could have continued to go, I wasn't ready for what was available. Sometimes you have to pay attention to what your soul is telling you.
In all my life, I have put a fairly huge emphasis on being with someone. I was married once, chasing that dream of that kind of life. I remember when I came out of that situation feeling like I had failed my dreams, my family, and myself. I dated here and again, and filled in my time since then with one major relationship. It was after that particular relationship that I realized I needed to step away from that entire scene and focus on someone whom I hadn't spent a great deal of time with; myself.
There is the old adage that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. But what does that really mean? Does it mean spa baths and chocolate...does it mean crying until you've beaten yourself down? It could; I'm not going to try to explain what your love of yourself means for you. But for me, it meant building a solid foundation of myself -- of confidence and pride, a small ego, and goals and dreams that are appropriate for me (and my daughter, in this case). So, last summer, I cut my strings of desire for the perfect relationships (a few hiccups aside; I thought I could transform myself even while being involved with someone, but that turned out to be not true). I set out to figure out who I was, what I can become, and what that entails.
I did it; I began to gain a great deal of self confidence and I was relaxed. Meditation helps a great deal; it helps to recognize your emotions and to give them validity. I spent time alone and I spent time with my daughter and friends. I journaled, wrote in this blog, spent time crying, and spent time feeling myself fill up with joy in a way I hadn't ever felt in my short time on this planet.
So, this past winter, when someone did roll into my life, I thought I was ready. I thought I was solid. It was through this experience I realize that my foundation, while having a great start, isn't complete. Maybe it never will be, but I know that there is work that needs to be done. The bricks need to settle and my focus must stay balanced for awhile before I can even consider having my balance knocked around (which is, inevitably, love).
I know I made the right choice; it was scary and I could have had a wonderful relationship and found contentment on some kind of level, but it's not my time. There would only be broken hearts and ruins after a year or two of it and that is not something I want to return to. And it wouldn't be fair to involve someone else in my own personal construction.
My heart and mind are open but they are not ready. I know I will love again. But this love must come from a solid foundation of who I am. I do not want anyone else seeping into the cracks of me, transforming who I am and distorting my personal vision who I am.
If you find yourself in this position, as many people do, do not be afraid to take yourself away for awhile and focus on your own happiness. Love yourself and every bit of you who are before involving the love for and of someone else.
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