Fresh Start

If you know me personally, you'll know that in a few months I will have completed my program and will be completely available for full-time employment. This is very exciting as I will have the skills (in theory) to have a decent job which should allow me to finally have a comfortable life. I have so say, though, that I sometimes come home and look around and think "gosh, I am so fortunate. I finally have a home that I love coming home to and love being in." So I'm blessed. I worked hard and got to a place, through the assistance of family and friends, where I love my home.

I've been thinking about how when this stress lifts, I'd like to be happier and smile more. I know that sounds weird, but I've always been one of those people that looks perpetually unhappy, regardless of whether or not I am. It's not uncommon for a stranger to tell me to smile or to ask me what's wrong. Well, honey, I haven't known what's "wrong" until recently. There really isn't anything wrong, but I look back on my path and see many mistakes I've made. I also see how some of those mistakes in my behavior and who I am will never shed me and will remain, my rocks of regret, weighing me down.

It has also dawned on me that regardless of who I am now, some of my actions in the past will never be forgiven. Maybe it's in my head but I feel strongly that I've come to a point in my life that requires a fresh start. I cannot expect people to forgive me, but the important thing is to work on forgiving myself. I have come leaps and bounds in that department.

In the last few years I have personally learned so much about myself and found an inner strength I didn't realize I had. I've been meditating on this very thing for awhile now and as much as I enjoy my little home in this little town, I realize that I need to stop existing in this life and find my own life to live. I want to put that smile back on my face everyday...and even though that smile exists right now, I've been damned that I won't ever change. How can one live like that?

So, in accepting this, I realize that the world is my oyster. I can go anywhere and live well. It's a kind of freedom that I wasn't aware I could ever have! Some times, I think, no matter what you do, the very best thing is to take the lessons you've learned, live them, and allow yourself a fresh start. Which is exactly what I'm going to do.